Falkirk - (Lurid Ass Mess): Serial sex predator Jonathan Ross - also known as Jonathan Bermingham according to police - has asked to be chemically castrated rather than endure 'years of pointless penis psychotherapy' and social workers' mumbo-jumbo.
Ross, 19, told Judge Lord Uist that he comes from an extensive family of serial rapists, child sex predators and other evil excrement.
"It's in the blood, yer honor," Ross pleaded, "or rather in the semen - because all the sex predators in the family are on the paternal side of the family."
Lord Uist has however insisted that prison shrinks first give him the once-over after local fundamentalist religious jail workers said they had a simple cure in mind for the feckless nineteen year-old.
Hanging him upside down from a wooden cross over Easter weekend with all the lights out in the prison cell was the main 'holistic' treatment available in Barlinnie Gaol nonces' wing, Uist was told.
That plus some of them homoerotic, er....homeopathetic! - sub-cutaneous implants, of course.
