Mrs Miggins to seek Tevez compensation
Mrs Miggins, a pie shop owner of the same name, is to join the ever growing list of people claiming compensation in the Tevez deal. According to the wily old crow, "Leeds United wanted to buy Dean Windass, he's a well known pie eater, but because...
Read full storyPenis Sheaths Take Off After Obama Goes Native
Penis Sheaths are flying off the shelves after President Barrack Obama made a fashion statement of his own by showing up at one of his first cabinet meetings wearing nothing but. His stunned staffers quickly got their own sheaths and soon the look wa...
Read full storyLed Zeppelin: Ten Little Known Facts
LONDON - Led Zeppelin was formed in 1968 (40 years ago!). The group was comprised of Robert Plant, 60, on vocals. Jimmy Page, 65, on lead guitar, John Paul Jones, 63, on bass guitar, and the late John Bonham on Drums. Many rock and roll writers consider Led Zeppelin to be the very first heavy metal band. They definitely had a guitar-driven sound. HERE ARE TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT LED ZEP...
Read full storyPolice Search Morrissey Wardrobe
Police in Greater Manchester have today raided the home of former Smiths frontman, Morrissey, and conducted a thorough search of his wardrobe, due to a ridiculous claim the morbid crooner made in one of his songs, that he was 'without clothing'. I...
Read full storyRaich Carter returns to Hull City, as Brian Horton succumbs to Rabies
In an astonishing development former Hull City great Raich Carter, has been confirmed temporary assistant manager replacing the now sick Brian Horton. Celebrated psychic Mystic Meg confirmed that she was acting as Mr. Carters agent, and that Hull...
Read full storyArsenal Captain Cesc Fabregas To Face Lengthy Ban
As the FA begins what could be a damaging investigation into an alleged incident at the Emirates Stadium last night, it emerged tonight that, regardless of whether or not Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas be found guilty of spitting at Hull City assistan...
Read full storyZombie of Johnny Cash Attacks American Idol Adam Lambert
A brutal attack on Adam Lambert's following his performance Tuesday night has been traced to the zombie of Johnny Cash. Apparently enraged at Lambert's strange rendition of "Ring of Fire", the decomposed corpse of Cash clawed its way from the grave a…
Read full storyEaster Cancelled as Okabokaflongo kills Benny the Bunny
Easter has unfortunately been cancelled this year due to the sudden death of the Easter Bunny. Benny the Bunny died earlier this evening at the Elephant & Castle roundabout crushed beneath the wheels of learner driver Sharon Okabokaflongo!...
Read full storyJade Goody Dead "By Christmas"
Jade Goody, the former reality TV star who is mentally and terminally ill, is not expected to survive her ordeal for very much longer, and will definitely have expired by Christmas, says her public cyst, Max Cash. Jade is currently dying at home a...
Read full storyGoody to be mounted and stuffed
Bill Oddie, the "unfunny Goody" and bird-watching depressive, is to be stuffed and mounted in a tableux featuring himself on a bike with differend species of birds, announced his agent today. The bearded twitterer has already chosen his final res...
Read full storyAmericans beat England at football and cricket
Standards of England's sportsmen have fallen so low that the USA yesterday defeated England at football and cricket, and on the same day, and with the same players. 'It was easy', American fast bowler Ellington Duke said, 'we had them all out by l...
Read full storyUK government to be "outsourced and offshored" to Indian incontinent (subcontinent)
British residents gave a euphoric welcome to the news that the ruling elite of all colours and persuasions had rationalised, downsized, outsourced and offshored themselves to a call centre in Delhi. During the transfer of control, the British too...
Read full storyMan Eats His Way Out Of Prison
A man serving 25 years to life in North State Prison has managed Incredibly to escape by literally EATING his way to freedom. Fred Crudbill (Big Fred), 43, had served just 6 years of the 25 year sentence he was serving for Grand Larceny, when las...
Read full storyJade of The Dead - An Accursed Nation's Dread
AP Pro: Great Britain, a nation who's past colonial history should leave it's citizen's in good stead when understanding the ways of attention seeking foreigners and mudbloods, is tonight in the grip of fear. Having been snubbed by doomed Goody (b...
Read full storyDevon Farmer in Freak Cucumber Accident
A Devon farmer is today recovering in hospital following a freak accident in his field yesterday,which resulted in a full helicopter rescue and airlift to hospital. The farmer, believed to be in his 40's,has been a victim of the recent credit crun...
Read full storyWriting About Something Else
A secret meeting took place this evening in a Whitehall gentleman's club involving popular writers from top website TheSpoof.com Taking the chair, Mr Roy Turse, with his son accompanying for moral support, told the assembly, and I quote: "Some...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens, Brenda Song, And Rob Pattinson Turn Down Parts In Spielberg Pirate Blockbuster
Consternation in the UK this evening as details filter through that talentless Hollywood teen actors, Brenda Song, Rob Pattinson and Vanessa Hudgens have actually had the temerity to turn down parts in Steven Spielberg's upcoming pirate blockbuster m...
Read full storyHull City Robbed, Then Spat At (Allegedly) But Wenger Didn't See It
Hull City players and officials today remained in a state of shocked disbelief following the club's 2-1 defeat at the Emirates last night. "We were beaten by the linesman," fumed Hull boss Phil Brown. "Gallas was clearly offside when he scored the...
Read full storyTree That Killed Sonny Bono Dead
The Evergreen Tree that took the life of Congressman Sonny Bono, who first stepped into the spotlight as half of the singing duo Sonny and Cher, has died after ten years of people nailing messages to Sonny on it. It was 47. The evergreen tree was 47,...
Read full storyJade Goody - Where To Now?
In the midst of the media scrum surrounding the imminent demise of Jade Goody, internet observers have expressed concerns that once Mrs Tweed (lest we forget) shuffles off this mortal coil, so to speak, then an awful lot of people are going to be ser...
Read full storyJack Tweed Announces Under 17's Cancer Trust Golf Challenge
Jack Tweed, the newly married/soon to be widowed beau of attention seeking cancer patient and racist Jade Goody, has this afternoon announced plans from his mother's 'box room' to promote himself/cancer. In a bizarre monotonal unfeeling voice, cre...
Read full storySpoof Writers Avoiding Contentious Issue Plummet Out Of Points Table
A few writers on the TheSpoof.com website were being punished this week for refusing to write articles about the subject that was dominating the famous satirical site's pages. The subject, which cannot be named without exploiting somebody's bad fort...
Read full storyAmerican Eviction Explained
Today Vladamir Putin came clean to the international press in regard to the closure of the American air force base in Manas, Kyrgyzstan. He claimed that Russia had nothing to do with the Kyrgyz decision to evict the Americans. "Russia is friends...
Read full storyU.S. N. Korea Thaw
The U.N. announced more signs of a thaw in U.S. North Korean relations on Monday. Vitit Muntarbhorn, a U.N. human rights investigator, reported evidence that North Korea is embracing more and more of the American way and is hungering for even mor...
Read full storyJade Goody - Special Pre-Death Obituary
Well, as it appears that 'OK! Magazine' are doing it, then I don't see why I shouldn't. The United Kingdom, and the worlds of Literature, Art and Science are united in grief today at the announcement of the tragic passing of Jade Goody at just 27...
Read full storyHardware Downloads Now Possible
A company in Hertfordshire has sparked a bidding war by announcing that it has solved the problem of hardware downloads. Using their new technology it is possible to buy hardware such as computers and TV sets on their website, which are then downloa...
Read full storyFox Blonde Bombshell Talking Heads Go Bald to Honor Jade Goody!
New York, NY/ Cosmetology News - In the latest of "over the top" collection of eulogies, sermons, editorials and tabloid lies, Fox News has announced their tribute to the Telly Icon Jade Goody with a supreme sacrifice offered by their entire stable...
Read full storyPresident Obama To Send 10,000 Troops To The Mexican Border
EL PASO - President Barack Obama has decided to send 10,000 U.S. Troops down to the Texas-Mexico border due to the ever increasing violence being caused by the warring drug cartels in sunny old Mexico. The troops will be commanded by Brigadier Gen...
Read full storyCosmetics Giant Using Bunnies For Cosmetic Testing Again?
Several leading cosmetics companies have quietly stopped testing products on animals. The moves are in response to years of pressure by animal-rights groups and reflect growing confidence in the reliability of alternative testing methods. Avon, Re...
Read full storyToddler Tethered To Hydrant Outside Petsmart
Elliot Myerson, age 3, was found tethered to a fire hydrant outside a local Petsmart store yesterday afternoon while his mother shopped inside with the family dog. The device keeping Elliot at bay from his mother was a child harness that wrap...
Read full storyDonut Found On The Face Of Jade Goody
In a complete reversal of a story published in these pages yesterday by Mrs Kensington, in which the face of Jade Goody was spotted on a donut, news has now come in that a donut has been seen on the reality TV star's face. Jade, terminally-on-the-...
Read full storyHalo! magazine defends ludicrous Goody obituary
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Daftass vanity rag Halo! magazine has defended its publication of Jade Goody's obituary on the grounds it was merely saying what many people already think. The decision to publish the 30 page memorial was taken...
Read full storyEveryone seeks Tevez Compensation
It seems that the recent saga over CarlosTevezGate looks set to continue as the government considers putting in a claim for the entire populace. It seems that since Sheffield United decided to ignore the fact that they were shite and blame an exce...
Read full story'Princess Hillary and the Three Wishes', by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Once upon a time there was a girl called Hillary, and she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and was a Princess. And she stared out of her castle across the land, wishing a handsome Prince would come and take her away to far and distant lands, for adventures to the five corners of the Earth. Then one day a genie appeared in her room, and said: 'Oh Princess Hillary, thou art the fairest g...
Read full storyTop 20 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Read full storyKerry Katona To Compete To Be Sir Alan's Apprentice
It has been announced that cash-strapped Kerry Katona will be among fifteen contestants competing for a six figure salary in Sir Alan Sugar's organisation, when the new series of 'The Apprentice' begins next week. In a press conference launching t...
Read full storyThe Moon: Latest Public Warning
The moon has been the subject of great fear and alarm recently after a recently published report from NASA. NASA (National Arrogance and Space Atrocities) declared that by looking at the Moon for more than 10 seconds can in fact change your blood...
Read full storyJade Goody News: More famous than Michael Jackson
Super star Jade Goody has nearly topped the charts of the "Top 5 Most Famous People in the World" in a recent survey. Jade Goody, who shot to fame after declaring that a football was bigger than the sun, lays quietly in her home waiting for the in...
Read full storyNatasha Richardson plight a stunt claim Goody bankers
New York - (Off-the-Piste Mess): Determined not to have their top client jocked off the world tabloid headlines at the crescendo of her short, self-publicising life Jade Goody's bankers have told Natasha Richardson's family to 'stop hogging the limel...
Read full storyBritney's Hooha Takes Over The Circus
Despite the best efforts of Britney's singing and choreography, her Hooha has already taken over the show. "No matter what the promoters say or do", stated one fan waiting in line for tickets, "It's the Hooha that's drawing the crowds." The Hoo...
Read full storyNo Early Bucket of Shit for Shetty: Snubbed by Goody
Heartbroken slumdog Shilpa Shitehawk (67) will not be experiencing that feeling of freedom and relief a bucket of shit kept in the corner a room brings to all Indian lasses, owing to Jade (27 and counting) being too ill to receive her arch nemesis fo...
Read full storyImperialist Britain wrests control of Caribbean from Pirates
"The days of notorious pirate Sticky Micky are numbered", said Governor Whether-or-Not this week, "He has made his bed and must now lie in it." "Pirate Constitutions do not work, the only serve to make a few wealthy - their ill gotten gains must b...
Read full storyNew Study Reveals Global Common Sense Shortage
A study commissioned by the mental health watchdog OFFNUT, has revealed a startling decline in common sense worldwide. Initially seen as a purely American phenomenon, Total Absence of Rational Thought (TART) has spread rapidly throughout Europe and...
Read full storyNExpress launch inspired service
Dastardly Dick Bowker head Vulture at NExpress central announced more bleak news "Despite my efforts to maintain profitability it looks like we are slipping off the rails" Dick axed the on board catering for the East Coast main line recently in an ef...
Read full storyAntonio Banderas Buys Share Of Winery
One of Hollywood's leading heartthrobs, Antonio Banderas has joined a growing number of Tinseltown celebrities whose passion for wine has led to ownership of Spanish vineyards, his winery co-owners say. Banderas, 48, who has appeared in the "Legen...
Read full storyJade Goody News: House Of Commons To Intervene?
Writers who endlessly write spoof stories about terminally-ill former reality TV star Jade Goody have been the subject of discussion in Prime Minster's Question Time this morning, according to reports from the House Of Commons. Jade, about as Comm...
Read full storyIrish Americans celebrate St. Gerry's Day
Millions of Irish Americans today celebrated St. Gerry's Day in their traditional manner. Men were seen drinking at least three little glasses of artificially gassy lager in Boston, Massachussetts, before breaking into many of their traditional Irish...
Read full storyTaliban's Search for "Good Americans"
Afghanistan expert, Samina Ahmed, South Asia Project Director of Crisis Group has lamented the simplistic classification of Taliban by Washington as "Good Taliban" and "Bad Taliban" "Stupid Americans need to go beyond their Hollywood-inspired ster...
Read full storyW H Smug lunch new range of Fritzl-Binders
For anyone wishing to hide their face on the way to the police station or high court, high street stationers W H Smug have launched a special range of A4 Fritzl-Binders for people to hide their face behind. Available in a range of finishes, the bi...
Read full storyHell's ultra-crap laptop on sale
Computer manufacturer Hell has launched what it calls 'the world's crappest laptop'. The Alamo weighs next to nothing, due to having less memory than a pocket calculator, and can be folded into your pocket, or simply dropped into the nearest bin.
Read full storyWenger says "I saw nothing" in Fabregas Spitting Incident
Hull manager Phil Brown was last night unmasked as "Captain Black", arch enemy of "Captain Scarlet" by Cesc Fabregas who fought him off bravely during an incident in a tunnel last night. The diminutive Spanish Gooner fought his way out of the alt...
Read full storyFun Things To Do With Bin Laden When We Catch Him.
Dress him up like a woman and shove him in the Red Wings locker room. Make him wear sexy red underwear and pose for Fredericks of Hollywood. Force him to do Porky Pig voice over at the end of the Warner Brother's cartoons that say "Th..th..that's all folks!" Make him sing over and over "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!" Give him a suppository designed by Vlad the Impaler.
Read full storyHull City Manager Phil Brown 'Spitting Feathers'
Hull City were unceremoniously dumped out of the FA Cup at the Emirates Stadium by Arsenal last night, but Tigers' boss Phil Brown was said to be spitting feathers by the actions of injured Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas, who shouldn't have been anywh...
Read full storyCliff Maxford launches search for new client
Cliff Maxford is teaming up with Simon Cole and Cheryl Cowell to launch a new TV show called "Search For A Nobody" in which members of the public who are desperate for fame will compete to appear on the cover of tabloid newspapers for doing nothing.
Read full storyCall for Enquiry over Stafford NHS Trust
The Government and patient care groups have called for an immediate public enquiry into failings at the flagship Mid-Stafford NHS Trust, following the revelation that up to 400 patients may have actually survived a stay at the hospital. According...
Read full storyI want a poppadom, Jade Goody's last wish.
Jade Goody's dying wish is to eat a poppadom, served on a plate by Celebrity Big Brother co-star Shilpa Shetty. The last wish is the latest last wish of the cancer star who is stubbornly refusing to do what Fleet Street has been predicting for we...
Read full storyNew World Order pox currency acmetal is ACME - Amero dies
ASSTAN, Kazakhstan - UPDATE - The new currency to be announced on Hitler's birthday will be backed by the commodity cocaine, which currently enables the world's banking systems. According to my source, Canadian Noball-prize wiener Professor Obertrien...
Read full storyMercy Mercy Me (Our Ecology)
President Obama responded to a question thrown at him today by a Greenpeace activist: "What are the President's views on global warming?" President Obama cleared his throat. before announcing: "Whoah Mercy Mercy Me. Whoah, things ain't quite...
Read full storyBernie Madoff Gets A More Appropriate Sentencing
The judge in the Bernie Madoff trial came up with a unique sentencing for the financier who lost 65 BILLION (!!!) through a ponzi scheme ripoff of his clients. Rather than a 150 year prison sentence for the 70 year old Madoff, the judge instead h...
Read full storyBoogertown Man Tracks Down Loud Cricket
In an almost superhuman display of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monk like concentration, 53-year-old Walter Barnes Burden of Boogertown interrupted his favorite TV program in order to track down and isolate a cricket in the foyer o...
Read full storyBelow Decks: Chapter Sixteen - Numb Skull Island
Recap: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve | Chapter Thirteen | Chapter Fourteen | Chapter Fifteen Roy Turse gradually became aware of the rhythmic sound of creaking timbers and slapping water. The aroma of pitch, overlaid by the stuffiness of the...
Read full storyJesus Demands 'Goody Friday'
Nazareth - Messianic zombie figure, Jesus of Nazareth has demanded the whole of Christendon rename 'Good Friday' - 'Goody Friday' in honour of the 2002 Big Brother runner-up Jade Goody. When asked why he looked just like shyster publicist Max Clit...
Read full storyBritish Nasti Party Election Manifesto
We at the British Nasty Party take the further development of the British race seriously. It is no joking matter. Here are our proposals. 1. The compulsory repatriation of anyone not called Smith. 2. Compulsory morris dancing for all males over 18. 3. Introduction of lederhosen to school uniforms. 4. Extreme violence if we are unable to convince by argument alone. 5. Extreme violence. 6. T...
Read full storyArsenal Captain Cesc Fabregas 'Clears His Throat'
Injured Arsenal captain, Cesc Fabregas, is at the centre of a spitting storm this morning, after he inadvertently emptied the contents of his gob over the trainers of Hull City assistant Brian Horton after the 6th round FA Cuptie between the two club...
Read full storyFDA to Eliminate Dr. Avenida Madison's Diseases
Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will be getting a new boss, once Congress approves his nomination. There is a real serious issue that needs to be dealt with following the resolution of the tainted peanut butter, foreign food lab...
Read full storyFlying Pigs Will Save Labour
A squadron of flying pigs are expected to save the Labour government at the next election. It is believed that as there are actually no policies the government is going to introduce extreme measures to survive. The flying pigs are just one of a numbe...
Read full storyBlind People Given Clear Signal
The government today gave blind people a clear signal. The level of disability allowance that blind people received would now be the same as those who could not walk. This is because blind people walk into everything and take as long to get about as...
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