Call for Enquiry over Stafford NHS Trust

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Wednesday, 18 March 2009


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The Government and patient care groups have called for an immediate public enquiry into failings at the flagship Mid-Stafford NHS Trust, following the revelation that up to 400 patients may have actually survived a stay at the hospital.

According to a report by the Healthcare Commission, despite managers' best efforts to bring the hospital to the required standards - said standard being that of a field hospital in the Crimean War - an 'unacceptable proportion' of patients had survived in-patient treatment, with fewer than targeted contracting MRSA.

Mr Nulab Shill, of the Healthcare Commission, said, "we appreciate that managers did their best to reduce patient care costs, and we applaud their innovation in the use of untrained receptionists as triage nurses and the brilliance of shuffling waiting patients into a disused area so they couldn't be counted for statistics, the fact remains that an unacceptable proportion of service users were successfully treated". However, Mr Shill added that he was delighted with the Trusts' increase in c. difficile cases, saying, "this proves that they can fuck up patients in the best traditions of NHS Trusts, and shows potential for the future".

The Trusts' Standards Director, Ms Bea N Counter, expressed dismay at the Commission's findings and said, "Mid-Staffs NHS Trust will continue to innovate in patient mismanagement. We are now to trial a scheme using illegal Khazakstani immigrants, currently on our cleaning team, to act as cardio-thoracic surgeons, and will be having our triage carried out by residents of the secure Mental Health Unit next door. We are confident that by this time next year, we will have reached the highest standards of unnecessarily dead patients demanded by Government.

Health Secretary Alan Johnson declined to comment, as he's with BUPA.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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