UK government to be "outsourced and offshored" to Indian incontinent (subcontinent)

Funny story written by bonzodog64

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

image for UK government to be "outsourced and offshored" to Indian incontinent (subcontinent)
Your central government problem resolved within four hours or your curry is free

British residents gave a euphoric welcome to the news that the ruling elite of all colours and persuasions had rationalised, downsized, outsourced and offshored themselves to a call centre in Delhi.

During the transfer of control, the British took the opportunity of changing the nation's locks to prevent the government returning, or getting back in.

"We consulted with our lawyers and were eventually awarded an injunction against the labour party on the grounds of its sustained mental cruelty." Justice Hillary bender and the jury who were clearly shocked and appalled at the evidence and charges placed before them. QC Bender ruled that no Labour cabinet minister is allowed within 200 yards of Westminster or any of their respective constituents homes.

"We came to the conclusion that this was a global problem requiring a global response", claims Alistair Darling.

A team of Chimpanzees are said to be in intensive, economic training as a stopgap measure while the chickens are being trained to take their place eventually. In yet another example of rotating door politics, leading government ministers resign only to reappear several weeks later as directors, or consultants to companies seeking government contracts.

The most notable recent addition to this list is Douglas Breedy- gastard who resigned to "spend more time with his family" following allegations of financial irregularities and links to an Indian Telecommunication giant "The Digital, Indian patelecommunications company". Following the emergence of the call centre story, amateur hacks plied, vulnerable, volatile and unstable members of the public with cheap booze to encourage them into making wild and spurious claims along with pointless, half-informed, conjecture.

Following the completion of the riot groups work, The general consensus appeared to be the level of dissatisfaction the British feel about spending around 280 million in salaries and expenses to a government that claim all our major problems are the consequence of global issues, and beyond their control. Consequently, it seems natural to support the labour party in its ambition to vanish up its own ass along with three million jobs, billions in lost savings, share values and lives lost in useless conflicts.

"A minority will prosper initially from this venture but at least we are shot of them", claims Agnes Smegma of Wolverhampton. A member of the public with too much time on their hands claimed, "We can just phone up some virtual workers who can give us some virtual answers or solutions for much less money. After all, we have been personally subjected to this for decades. Everybody wins, we pretend to vote for them and they pretend to govern".

"Virtual solutions are a phone call away with Patelecomunications", claims a company spokesman. "The caller would receive a list of numbers to press in the event of a whole range of enquiries or concerns. A response runs like this: "If you are dissatisfied with the current options and are planning an act of civil disobedience or terrorist act please press the Hash key now! Please hold the line; we very much value your death threats. This message is also available in Urdu, Gudgerati and Hindi etc".

City analysts are greeting news that British domestic, central governance is to be moved to a Delhi call centre with shrugs of resignation. "It's just another manifestation of financial D.U.M.O.A.S syndrome, (Disappearing up My Own Ass Syndrome)."

Gordon Brown countered critics by claiming. "We consider this "off shoring" to be a quite proper, prudent, and sensible course of action given current world events. Market forces and private enterprise will be extended to the administration of government on both a local and national level. All problems will be solved within four hours or your curry is free!"

Experts claim that this process of outsourcing is a logical conclusion to several generations in which Britain has contracted, subcontracted, and downsized until virtually nothing is left. "The only thing left to rationalise, or "cost cut" is ourselves", claims a leading government spokesman."Efficiency savings are maximised by not conducting any government at all".

News of the Labour parties imminent removal provoked a huge demand for celebration and party goods in joke shops and party specialists the length and breadth of the country. "Party poppers, Kazoos, balloons, and Gordon Brown horror masks have had to be imported to meet demand" claims a local retailer as soon as he had finished "hand buzzing" me.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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