'Princess Hillary and the Three Wishes', by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

image for 'Princess Hillary and the Three Wishes', by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Princess Hillary's maid, Monika

Once upon a time there was a girl called Hillary, and she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and was a Princess. And she stared out of her castle across the land, wishing a handsome Prince would come and take her away to far and distant lands, for adventures to the five corners of the Earth.

Then one day a genie appeared in her room, and said: 'Oh Princess Hillary, thou art the fairest girl in the land, and brave and pretty, and smart and clever. And because you are so wonderful, I now grant thee three magical wishes', for the genie doth spake medieval English only.

'Oh goody!', shrieked the Princess, pulling a weird face in her mirror, 'my first wish is to meet a Prince to marry, so that I may become rich and powerful', and the genie waved his hand thrice and it was done, but before she could talk to him the Prince had disappeared into a side room with her maid, Monika, calling out 'with you soon for the marriage, Princess Hillary, just need to discuss something with your maid.'

'Secondly', she told the genie, 'I want my beautiful and pretty looks to be replaced with tough, no-nonsense rather manly ones, so I can run my husband's estate, and be taken seriously by other men', and it was granted.

'And thirdly', she continued, 'I wish to simply make up tales about courageous things I've done, but to get the scribes to write about them in books for me. Like - let's see - how such a brave Princess risked her life when the King of Kosnia's archers fired arrows at her', and it was also granted, and the genie disappeared as quickly as a stain on a new wedding dress.

And so Princess Hillary did many brave things, and fought dragons with her new husband, and didn't even flinch when the King of Kosnia's archers attacked her castle again, and flinched even less when one dragon made off with her maid, Monika. And they had two children, and named them Uglifruitia and Porpoisetta, and theirs was the happiest marriage in the whole of Christendom.

But one morning there came a knock on her door, and she opened it to find a rather beautiful Princess, with soft, dark skin, and she was called Princess Michelia. 'Princess Hillary', she said, 'I have come to ask you for your help.'

'My husband, Prince Alabamia, has no idea how to run his estate, so please come and tell him how to do it wisely and carefully, for all in the land know how well you run this estate, and the estates for miles around', and Princess Hillary said 'Of course I will help you, my dear, though I will have to leave my castle in the hands of my husband. It was in the hands of my maid Monika a while ago, but tragically a dragon stole her away to its lair in a launderette, I expect it'll keep her there for years.'

And so Princess Hillary taught Prince Alabamia how to run his estate correctly, and taught Princess Michelia how to act gracefully and elegantly, and she cut down her face-pulling jousts with her husband to only once a month. And Uglifruitia and Porpoisetta grew up into beautiful women, though her maid Monika was never seen again.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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