Dear Duff
Dear Duff, My husband is hiding a secret from me, I'm sure of it. He is becoming furtive in his behaviour and last week when he was out playing golf I found a weapon of mass destruction hidden behind a loose tile in the bathroom. Do you think that he's possibly chosen world domination over our idyllic lives here in Cheadle Hulme? Or do you perhaps think that if I turn a blind-eye all this fo...
Read full storyBlagojevich Creates News Slump
After two months of weekly exploits that have previously only been observed in comic books, Rod Blagojevich is today being accused by U.S. news services as creating a slump in headlines by being unanimously impeached late Thursday afternoon. One...
Read full storyZimbabwe To Trade In Buttons
Zimbabwe, the funny little African country where inflation triples every five minutes, has abandoned its currency, and will, from tomorrow - or maybe even tonight - trade in buttons. President of Zimbabwe, the Dr Robert Mugabe, announced the chang...
Read full storyFootball superstar Kaka to bring out range of mens fashion 'kaka pants'
The Real Madrid footballer Kaka has announced that he is developing, in conjunction with style guru Lawrence Loo-Ellen Bowlegs, a new rage of fashion pants for the fashion unconscious person. Called "Kaka Pants", this versatile range has been deve...
Read full storyFuel invention sweeps nation, gay men particularly interested
Italy - Amateur scientist and professional pole-barn tinkerer, Uppa YurAssa of Italy, stumbled upon the end to the use of fossilized fuel, paving the way for self-reliant energy consumption in the very near future. His invention may change the face o...
Read full story"Barack" now most popular baby name
As expected, the monthly report on new births in the US revealed that Barack was the number one boys name for children born in January. Having seen President Obama ride a wave of popularity over the last six months, the name Barack, arabic in orig...
Read full storyChannel 4 merges with Adult TV Channel
Troubled UK TV Channel, "Channel 4", has announced that it is to merge with a successful pornographic entertainment provider. "The merger makes perfect sense," said a spokesperson for Channel 4 - looking sultry in a low cut top, skirt and licking...
Read full storyMartha Stewart A Crazed Cat Woman?
Life's not easy being a Martha and she's reportedly so lonely, she's been adopting cats for companionship, say sources. The 67-year-old entrepreneur remains heartbroken over the death of her beloved dog and the marriage of her former boyfriend to...
Read full storyJerry Lewis inadvertantly led Iranian coup
Classified Mi6 documents that were leaked this week, have revealed some surprising facts about the actions of the British Secret Service. However by far the most unexpected of these was the fact that Mi6 worked with famed comic actor Jerry Lewis...
Read full storyUK Government announces devaluation of British minute to 54 seconds
Gordon Brown has revealed a startling new policy to help the British economy cope with the global economic crisis. In a speech to the UK adult film industry the prime minister said:"In order to improve our productivity relative to international c...
Read full storyTom Hanks to play Tom Cruise in new movie
In a surprising announcement, Tom Hanks confirmed the recent rumours that he is to play Tom Cruise in a new film biopic about the famous actor. "Tom has always been my acting hero", said Hanks, "this is a giant role for me and it is going be a rea...
Read full storyBody of Lord Lucan Has Been Found!
One of the world's most bizarre mysteries has now been solved. The body of missing peer Lord Lucan, who has not been seen since his mysterious disappearance in 1974 following the brutal murder of his nanny has finally been recovered. His remains were...
Read full storyThe real cause for erectile dysfunction
It was discovered by 15 year old GCSE students in Brighton today that the main cause for erectile dysfunction in men aged 20-65 is...ugly women. They came to the conclusion that if women took care of themselves a bit better instead of complaining...
Read full storyDear Duff
Dear Duff, I am beginning to worry about what's happening to me. For a while now I have had a strange sense of feeling superior to everyone else. I have stopped my subscriptions to various charities and I no longer buy The Big issue from street sellers. I also long to see tramps flogged and mortgage defaulters thrown out on the streets. Do you think that there may be something wrong with...
Read full storyMother Scolds Obama From Beyond Grave
Recently acquired transcripts show the Obama family conducted a seance to contact Barack Obama's mother, Ann Dunham Soetoro. They tried to conceal the ritual from the public to avoid associations with Nancy "Crazy Lady" Reagan. During this ghost...
Read full storyEconomic Downturn Hits Al Queda-Pension Funds At Risk-Virgins Cut
In yet another sign of just how deep the global economic downturn has become, Al Queda announced today that it's Jihadi Retirement Fund may not be able to meet it's obligations in the near term. The JRF's chief financial officer acknowledged tha...
Read full storyBlagojevich Guest Stars At Impeachment
Unable to resist the magnetism of rolling cameras, Rod Blagojevich dropped by his impeachment hearings long enough to make a speech today. Previously, the Illinois State Governor had stated that he would not attend his own impeachment, citing several...
Read full storyPencils Nearly Extinct
Philadelphia PA -- The last pencil is expected to take its final breathe sometime later this year. The handy pencil joined mankind during the days of ancient Egypt. Its numbers swelled to the trillions with the Baby Boom Generation. Now, they onl...
Read full storyNationwide French Strike Hurting Millions
Hundreds of thousands of angry and fearful French workers mounted nationwide strikes and protests Thursday to demand President Nicolas Sarkozy do far more to fight the economic crisis there. Public and private sector workers united in the protest...
Read full storySomalian Tourist Industry Suffers After Wave Of Pirate Attacks
A string of pirate attacks off the east coast of Africa have left at least 17 dead, and the Somali tourist industry in tatters. "It has been a devastating blow to us." says Abdul El-Rashid, director of Somalia's Tourist Board. "Our beachfront ho...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Receives Care Package From MSNBC
After claiming credit for the ratings of cable news network MSNBC, world-renowned sloth Rush Limbaugh has received a generous thank you. MSNBC reportedly sent a large care package to Limbaugh in appreciation for his allowing the network to continu...
Read full storyShooting American GIs to be a new Olympic sport
IOC chairman Sir Franco Nazti today announced that shooting American GIs was to become an Olympic sport. 'American soldiers are basically so useless that anyone can shoot them', the former fascist murderer spokesman said, 'so now we're making it a...
Read full storyGovernor David Paterson's Selection
President Barack Obama trusted her judgment enough to put Caroline Kennedy on his team to help select his Vice President. She proved to be an exemplary choice. No drama Obama got no drama, no leaks, no humming, or hints, and out popped Senator Joe Bi...
Read full storyGovernment to target web piracy and provide 22 million new jobs
In a bold move, the government has today announced how it intends to combat web piracy and provide 22 million jobs to completely wipe out unemployment in Europe. According to the Minister for Web Piracy, The Honourable Long John Ooharrjimlad, the...
Read full storyNew nation of Montgomeryland discovered
Explorers today announced they'd discovered a new nation in England, and decided to call it Montgomeryland. The nation lies near the English capital of London, and its people - the indigenous tribe of Colins - are unique in that part of the world,...
Read full storyTime called on swearing
Mike Hunt, a pub landlord in Penistone, has called time on swearing in his bar. Regulars at the Cock and Duck on Slutshole Lane in Penistone, Derbyshire, have been informed of the new policy and called it a jolly good idea. The Cock and Duck is th...
Read full storyBarack And Michelle Obama To Be Cloned
First black US President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, are to become part of a unique and bizarre clinical experiment designed to safeguard the future of the presidency, and the security of the great American nation - the pair are to be cloned.
Read full storyPost Office May Close Weekday, Use Pigeons
Massive deficits could force the U.S. Post Office to cut out one day of mail delivery, the postmaster general told Congress on Wednesday, in asking lawmakers to lift the requirement that the agency deliver mail six days a week. If the change happ...
Read full storySpoof Writer to Receive Gong
A contributor to TheSpoof.com website has been announced as the next recipient of the Most Boring Person On Earth award handed out by The Society With Nothing Better To Do Than Hand Out Useless Awards. Whatin The World, a contributor to the satiri...
Read full storyIsrael Condemned For War Crimes Against Captured Terrorists
Israel has landed itself in more trouble after several Hamas terrorists it captured complained to the Red Cross and other charities about their treatment while in custody. "We were kept in the open air." one said. "We're only used to hiding in und...
Read full storyFour Hurt as Railway Stunt Backfires
Four people were hospitalised today, after a publicity stunt at Oxford Station went badly wrong. First Great Western Trains were scheduled to hold a 'Meet the Manager' session at the station - however due to a clerical error, the event was publici...
Read full storyTruck Driver's Narrow Escape
A truck driver from Stranraer in Scotland had a narrow escape when he tried to disembark from a ferry heading for Belfast whilst the ferry was at sea. Cam McLuckie had driven onto the ferry in Stranraer heading for Belfast to deliver a year's supp...
Read full storyUrine turned into Heating Fuel
A new process of turning Urine into Heating Fuel has been invented by young scientist Malcom Wallis 27 of Aldervale Glamorgan. The first example of this ground breaking experiment was filmed by his twin sister Siobhan at his Laboratory at the rear...
Read full storyU.S. Government Counters Chinese Anti-Porn Crusade
The Chinese government continues to strike blow after blow against the surging capitalist market of online pornography. Their efforts have culminated in a month long campaign which shut down over 1,250 porn sites. In a valiant attempt to save the...
Read full storyFailed US Economy Will Replace Superbowl with 3 Hours of Commercials
In a Republican inspired economic situation comparable to their First Great Depression, NFL team owners have announced that they cannot pay their players' salaries for the Superbowl. TV executives anxious not to lose their revenue have released a...
Read full storyWitchdoctors Report Love Potion Glut
Coming on the heels of an announcement from Heavenly Creations earlier today that they will no longer be using Love Potion #9 to coat Cupid's arrowheads, the World WitchCraft Foundation (WWCF) has announced that the global economy has forced many wou...
Read full storyWorsening Economy Puts An Arrow Through Cupid's Plans
St. Valentines Day is just around the corner, and the worsening economy dealt a blow to the official day of chocolate today. Heavenly Creations, the company which supplies Arrows of Love to Cupid, has announced that the rising cost of Love Potion #9...
Read full storySarah Palin Starts PAC to Raise Funds for Handicapped Presidential Hopefuls
Republican VP hopeless Sarah Palin has launched a campaign to collect big bucks to fund future disabled candidates for high office. Her pledge to advocate for persons with disabilities during her fiasco ridden run for VP was at first believed to...
Read full storyIceland's government collapses; Icelanders hope we like fish
Iceland's PM Geir Hallgrimur Haarde announced today the immediate collapse of his government in the wake of the country's dire economic crisis; news that came as a shock to a busy world community that had entirely forgotten Iceland existed. In a h...
Read full storyRush Limberger to Raise a Stink at New McCarthy Hearings
Radio comedian Rush Limberger has been denouncing the new American President with such vehemence and voracity that he has been brought up on charges of treason by the 21st century new improved McCarthy hearings. The unamerican subcommittee on Am...
Read full storyTV Hit "Lost" to Merge with "Gilligan's Island"
As Hit show Lost drags out into a third season, writers realized that they needed help from seasoned experts. When trying to come up with interminable plots about shipwrecked boors and clowns on a desert island, where else should you turn except to t...
Read full storyPothole Triangle Claims Another Victim
In the worst disaster ever recorded in pothole history, a semi tractor-trailer hit a pothole on 13 Mile Road in Fraser, Michigan late last night, and disappeared. Believed to be in an area dubbed "The Pothole Triangle," located within an area tha...
Read full storyJapanese Toilet Roll shortage sparks "Panic buying"
Supermarket bosses in Japan have been forced to come clean about the amount of 'Toilet roll' supplies held in reserve in warehouses across the country. Japanese Government Directive 9753 states that a minimum of 7.3 rolls of 'Toilet tissue' per p...
Read full storyIrish Toilet Roll shortage sparks "Panic buying"
Supermarket bosses in the Republic of Ireland have been forced to come clean about the amount of 'Toilet roll' supplies held in reserve in warehouses across the country. EU Directive 2763 states that a minimum of 7.3 rolls of 'Toilet tissue' per...
Read full storyUK Toilet Roll shortage sparks "Panic buying"
Supermarket bosses in the United Kingdom have been forced to come clean about the amount of 'Toilet roll' supplies held in reserve in warehouses across the country. EU Directive 2763 states that a minimum of 7.3 rolls of 'Toilet tissue' per perso...
Read full storyU.S. Toilet Roll shortage sparks "Panic buying"
Supermarket bosses in the U.S. have been forced to come clean about the amount of 'Toilet roll' supplies held in reserve in warehouses across the country. U.S. Government Directive 4187 states that a minimum of 7.3 rolls of 'Toilet tissue' per pe...
Read full storyPope Bestows Beatification on Saint Barack the First
President Barack Hussein Obama will now be known as St. Barack the First. Pope Benedict announced the Beatification this morning in a press conference from the Vatican. This is an unusual move as, traditionally, new saints must first be dead. Th...
Read full story"Mr. Green", Al Gore Heads to Dubai to Deal With Massive Sewerage Disaster!
Dubai/UAE Plumbing News - The shit has been running non stop down hill in this mega pseudo Disney Land for the Mega Rich and "Look I'm Famous" crowd with announcements that billions of gallons of raw sewerage is being pumped directly into the oce...
Read full storyFederal Holidays to Change Again
The United States will be rearranging their Federal Holidays again. The news upset printers of calendars everywhere as many 2010 editions had already been submitted for early printing. The new holiday will be called Freedom Day and will be celebr...
Read full storyHouse Republicans to Receive Mouth Transplants
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following the House of Representatives' passage of an $819 billion economic stimulus bill without the benefit of one single Republican vote, President Obama has proposed a revolutionary new bill providing augmentative surgery for H...
Read full storyPorn Industry Again Seeks Government Bailout
Hollywood CA: The respected heads of the porn industry have made a pitch to the Obama Administration and to the 111th Congress for a $5 Million Bailout Package for the PORN Industry. The initial plea made to the outgoing Bush Administration was limp...
Read full storyHaggard Blames Jesus for his Homosexuality
In a stunning exclusive disgraced evangelical preacher Ted Haggard says he was only following the Biblical examples of the Lord Jesus when he experienced homosexual relations. "Find me one, just one example of Jesus ever doing the horizontal mam...
Read full storyBritain to Bail Out Automakers: On the Road Again With Morgan and MG Motors!
London,UK/ Auto Nostalgia News - Treasury Business Secretary Peter Mandelson made auto news today with the announcement that $3.2B would be made available to bring back iconic English car marquees, Morgan and MG Motors in the hopes of stimulating th...
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