Written by Bureau

Thursday, 29 January 2009

image for Fartknocker's Lament
Shithead and Pizza Face Hiding From Police

New research suggests that boys in the United States with common names like Michael and David are less likely to commit crimes than those named Shithead or Pizza Face.

Samuel J. Woo and Robert T. Phan of Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania compared the first names of male juvenile delinquents to the first names of male juveniles in the regular population.

The researchers constructed a popularity-name index for each name. For example, the PNI for Michael is 100, the most frequently given name during the period. The PNI for David is 50, a name given half as frequently as Michael. The PNI for Shithead is approximately 1 and a .5 for Pizza Face.

Results show that, regardless of race, juveniles with unpopular names (Bozo, Pucker Puss and Snotgurgle for example) are more likely to engage in criminal activity.

The least popular name "Mama's Poopoo" was associated with junenile delinquency and cannibalism among both blacks and whites.

The findings announced today, are detailed in the journal Socially Pathetic Quarterly, article by Fern Fartknocker, a three-time loser.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Names, Bullying

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