Haggard Blames Jesus for his Homosexuality

Funny story written by Don Fulsom

Thursday, 29 January 2009

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In a stunning exclusive disgraced evangelical preacher Ted Haggard says he was only following the Biblical examples of the Lord Jesus when he experienced homosexual relations.

"Find me one, just one example of Jesus ever doing the horizontal mambo with a woman, and I'll give you some of the millions I cheated my church-goers out of and have now hidden," declared the obviously unrepentant Haggard, who's now pretending to be an insurance agent until he can sneak over to Switzerland and get the rest of his money.

"Jesus never even had a hard-on over a gal during his 33-year existence," Haggard protested. "Find contrary evidence in the Bible, and I'll perform fellatio on you-if you have some decent methamphetamine, and are good-looking."

Haggard said he does not consider anal sex with a man dirty because, as he puts it, "Although the anus is used for elimination, in reality it is not as dirty as you think, especially after a shower or bath. Elimination is also a natural process of our God-given bodies."

Haggard says he expects only about "seven or eight more men" will come forward to exposes his gayness.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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