Staying In is the New Staying In...
Cosy evenings for two beside the fire? Romantic nights watching a slushy DVD with nibbles? No I am talking about staying in, on your own, and enjoying the results of a couple bottles of the local convenience store's cheap plonk. A survey of one has revealed that the preferred evening consists of staying at home, with no company, and frequenting internet chatrooms and forums once intoxicated.
Read full storyKaren Mathews opens national babysitting agency
Recently jailed stunner Karen Matthews has been let out of prison this morning in a bizzare twist, she has agreed to open and run a new national baby sitting service. Many are against Karen working with children as they feels she is not a fit care...
Read full storyHamas Says Rocket Attacks Were "An Unfortunate Accident"
A spokesman for Palestinian militant group Hamas issued a statement yesterday claiming the current military confrontation with Israel was the result of an "unfortunate misunderstanding", and said that the recent rocket attacks on Israel were just an...
Read full storyObama - "I Wanted To Be A Musician"!
Hard to believe - this was Barack Obama. He was born 6/6/66 - one of 6 kids. His father reportedly nicknamed him "The Caramel Kid". Barack was born a sweet African-American guy. "Abnormal", if you wish, and almost very talented at tap dancing.
Read full storyLapland economy officially in recession - Santa reduces workforce
In what can only be described as the saddest indication of the state of the worldwide economic problems at the moment, the Ministry of Economics in Lapland reported the second consecutive quarter of negative GDP growth. As such, the economy of Lapla...
Read full storyCHaVs To Get Free Holidays
In response to a TV programme 'Holidays from Heaven', budget airline, Cheezy Jet have offered Chavs free holidays - yes FREE holidays! Many destinations are in Spain, Lanzarote or Majorca and include a full week stay in a 3 star hotel complete with s...
Read full storyBailed Out Financial Firm Cancels Plan To Purchase Expensive Corporate Jet
After being pressured by the Obama administration, Sleazigroup Inc. reversed it's course today and said it will not take delivery of an expensive corporate jet it previously planned to purchase. The canceled deal comes amid a chorus of concerns fr...
Read full storyHoffman to play Lassie in new movie
Famous for his method acting approach to film roles, Dustin Hoffman has confirmed that he will be taking on the role of Lassie in his new film. In the film "Lassie takes Vegas", Hoffman will take on the role of the famous collie in the twelfth fil...
Read full story"Poet Idol" to hit US Screens
The US version of the smash hit TV show "Poet Idol" is due to begin filming in April for the FOX Network. Originally screening last year in the UK, the show which offered the top prize of the position of Poet Laureate for the Queen became a supris...
Read full storyPaul McCartney announces space mission
Paul McCartney confirmed this morning that he is planning to launch his own space mission in late 2009. The former Beatle, believed to be worth in the region of £800M even after the slice taken by now ex wife Heather Mills, is believed to be fundi...
Read full storyGovernment to upgrade aspirin to class A drug
Aspirin has been reclassified as a class A drug, introducing the possibility of lifetime imprisonment for anyone caught supplying the former headache suppressant. Home secretary Jacqui Smith cited the "uncertainty" surrounding the effects of the d...
Read full storyNY Begins Bold Program To Expand Health Care Services To The Underinsured
NY State Governor David Paterson announced a new plan to expand health care coverage for thousands of under insured New Yorkers. The plan's centerpiece involves the registration and licensure of informal practitioners who currently operate outside th...
Read full story'Bring back Bush!', writers demand
Today satirists and spoof writers, and lots of people with nothing better to do, demanded that George W. Bush be brought back on to the world stage. 'We demand it', one writer demanded, 'if it's not too demanding. Without the 'Shrub' we've lost a...
Read full storyDarling to use RBS cash machines in quantitative easing
Alistair Darling is to start using RBS cash machines to put quantitative easing in place. The BBC's Robert Peston reports the Treasury is drawing up plans to pump more money into the economy through lucky cash machines. On average, according to...
Read full story"Where Are The 'New' Sex Pistols?" Asks Minister
Westminster - Minister for Desperate Situations, the Rt Hon Chris Talmighty today appealed for a youth led musical revolution to deliver us all from the evil of recession, on the grounds that it worked in the seventies. Mr Talmighty referred to th...
Read full storyPresident Obama's 10 Favorite Songs
Here are President Obama's 10 favorite songs: * 'You Haven't Got A Friend', James Taylor * 'Die Like A Palestinian', The Bangles * 'Air Strike On An American G Note', Johann Sebastian Bach * 'Smoke and Sewage in the Water', Deep Purple * 'Don't Give Peace a Chance', John Lennon and the Plastic Surgeon Band * 'War, It's Good For Wall Street', Edwin Starr * 'Freedom, Unless You're a Pales...
Read full storyNew Zealand Snake Becomes Daddy At 111 Years Old
A captive reptile in New Zealand has unexpectedly become a proud father at the ripe old age of 111 after receiving treatment for a cancer that made him hostile toward prospective mates, or it was thought to be so. The centenarian tuatara, named He...
Read full storyRare Chin Nuts Discovered
In what may be the first of its kind in medical history, a man went to see his family physician, and medical specialists, complaining of severe pain every time he shaved using his electric razor, and/or put on turtleneck sweaters. The patient, Ack...
Read full storyRedknapp faces 'Investigation'
Deputy Dawg Doppelganger 'Happy' Harry Redknapp is facing an investigation into his apparent addiction to 'unsettling' premier league footballers. Jermaine Defoe returned to his former club 'Spurs following Harry's taking over as manager there. U...
Read full storyExecutive Residence evacuated as Obama spliff triggers smoke detectors
Washington AC/DC - (Bong Hits 4 Barack! Mess): Firefighters evacuated part of the White House Executive Residence around midnight last night after 'exotic pungent fumes' triggered smoke alarms in the building's second floor. "We traced the noxious...
Read full storyStephen Fry doesn't do a voiceover in one TV ad today
A shocked British television audience were in, well, shock, when one advert on television didn't feature a voiceover by Stephen Fry, and a demonstration was quickly organised at the BBC's headquarters in central London. Protestor Mrs. Victoria Sta...
Read full storyHollywood Icon Zsa Zsa Gabor Loses Fortune
Legendary 124-year-old screen queen Zsa Zsa Gabor and her husband Count Vlad Singismud have lost a fortune in the horrendous Bernie Madoff financial scandal, the Count claims. "We're mad as hatters, and we want our money back! Want our money back!...
Read full storyRussell Brand admits to have bedded 30 women a night
Wild comedian disk jockey and BBC resigner Russell Brand has made a frank admission - well al least we think the journalist was called Frank - about the number of women he beds each night. According to the shaggy-haired celebrity, claims that he w...
Read full storyRare Chin Nuts Discovered
In what may be the first of its kind in medical history, a man went to see his family doctor, and others, complaining of severe pain every time he used his Norelco electric razor, and/or put on turtleneck sweaters. The patient, Ackmed, an earwax merchant from the tiny city of Hung Way Low, China, went to several doctors complaining of overwhelming pain every time he used his Norelco razor under...
Read full storyQueen Orders All UFOs Shot Down
London-- Queen Elizabeth II has told Prime Minister Gordon Brown she wants any and all UFOs over the UK shot down. The queen has an insatiable curiosity about flying saucers and desperately wants to understand the puzzling phenomena. She also has...
Read full story'America is your enemy', Obama tells Muslim world
US President Barack Obama today used his first formal interview to tell the Muslim world - 'America is your enemy'. Speaking on the Dubai-based Al-Qaholic network, Mr. Obama said the US would extend the hand of friendship to Iran, 'just as soon as...
Read full storyBritish Traders Facing WMD Trial
Thousands of British businessmen are facing an uncertain future today after it announced that they were to face trial in The Hague for 'crimes against humanity'. The prosecutions, brought by the Health & Safety Executive against Britain's keba...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush Confesses Intimate Secrets To Larry King
LOS ANGELES, California - President George W. Bush recently granted his first interview since leaving the White House to Larry King host of CNN's Larry King Live. LK: Good morning Mr. President. How are you today sir? GB: I'm fine thank you. And how about you? LK: I'm good and thanks for asking. First of all Mr. President, how does it feel to be just plain old John Q. Public. GB: Larry...
Read full storyGlobal Warming On Hold Until May
U.S. Scientists agree - global warming has been put on hold by the powers of the universe until May, possibly even June. As ice storms rage across the country today, prominent researchers tell us that the global warming scare is over at least until t...
Read full storyBermuda Triangle to blame for disappearing ice shelfs
German scientists have announced that dramatic ice thaws in the North Pole are down not to climate change or any other rational scientific explanation but are caused purely by the Bermuda Triangle. They explain that the mysterious forces at the h...
Read full storyMafia Moves US Capital To Chicago
Today, former Chicago mafia crime boss puppet senator and new mafia puppet US President Barack Obama announced plans to move the US capital to Chicago. 'This will make it easier for the true leaders of the planet to run the US,' Obama said in his...
Read full storyDevils on the march Part III
o Finished? o Yes. o Because, according to what you asserted, you are categorically classified as a thief; of course a moral one. We are looking for a thief with much greater skills and unique qualification. In this community, we have 99.99% different versions of thieves. Now, he looked at the chief justice to see if he had anything to say. Chief justice raised his good hand in a gesture meaning...
Read full storyBurrito Bell to Offer Methane Emission Offsets
Frijole, TX (RS) -- In its "Amigo to the Environment" campaign, Burrito Bell announced today that all its resturants will soon offer methane emission offsets to its customers. The offset prices range from 4 cents on a simple tostada, to $1.06 on a...
Read full storyGeese Sucked into US Airways' Engines were the Real Heroes
An official of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has announced that the Canadian geese who were sucked into the engines of US Airways, Flight 1549, were not only the real heroes, but martyrs. Mr. R-rrrr-robert "Bow-Wow" Barker, Pres...
Read full storyAgony Aunts versus Agony Uncles
It is said Men are from Mars and Women from Venus and therefore see the world differently. So what would happen if "Dear Abby" became "Dear Andy" Dear Andy, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walk...
Read full storyTribunal for telescope pair
The tribunal took place yesterday of two ambulance workers accused of gross misconduct after being called to the home of Guitarist Brian May. The two paramedics - named as Robert Brown and Alan Davies worked for the Greater London Ambulance Servic...
Read full storyPound shop chain sheds jobs
Pounduniverse, the British high street budget retailer is to shed two thousand jobs across the country in a bid to cut costs. All the jobs will be in the security aspect of the company, with every security guard axed. "It makes commercial sense...
Read full storyFarcebook killer 'not guilty'
Good news for the family of accused Harry Ramsden of Hull when he walked free from his arraignment after the judge threw the case out due to police 'inherent laziness". After the brutal murder of Gilligan Island in Leeds town centre, rather than g...
Read full storyNew York Yankees abandon new stadium plans at last minute
In another example of the levels of finance that the New York Yankees are operating with, a spokesman for the team announced today that they have decided not to complete their move to the new Yankee Stadium. Having had a number of different events...
Read full storyObama's Welcome Gitmo Detainees as White House Servants
In another bid to save government dollars during the tough economic times ushered in by Bush's unending failures, the Obama's have accepted Guantanamo bay prisoners as the butlers and maids in the White House. Already some of their special skills...
Read full storyScientists create new birth control method from nanotechnology
Researchers today reported in the Journal of American Medical Association a mechanical contraceptive that is 100% safe, 100% effective, and able to enhance the pleasure of both men and women. 17th century scientist Evangelista Torricelli was the...
Read full storyRahm Emmanuel Voted Blackest Member of the Obama team
In explaining the odd results of a recent poll in which Jewish Rahm Emmanuel was chosen as the blackest member of the first black president's administration, Obama team members recalled their own histoy with interracial liberal relations. Many re...
Read full storyObama Promises to Withdraw from Michelle; Emanuel's Failure to Inform First Lady Causes Blow Up
America's new President in his latest effort to limit government spending said that there would be no more little Obama mouths to feed until the US economy was revived and prospering. Rahm Emanuel's failure to inform first lady Michelle of the new pu...
Read full storyRobbery Thwarted by Jim
A semi-anonymous guy named Jim prevented a local grocer from being robbed today. Apparently short on time for his lunch break, he inadvertently interrupted robbery in progress at the fast checkout lane. Eyewitnesses say that Jim, who was identifi...
Read full storySpider Bite Causes Genius
A brand new species of spider has been discovered in Madagascar with a bite like nothing else. One bite from the tiny mandibles of this thumbnail sized arachnid, and the person bitten suffers from an IQ gain of more than 20 points. In more than 10...
Read full storyWhat will Dave do next?
The town of Ballina, Co Mayo has been rocked lately by the actions of local lunatic, David Mc Greal or known as Daft Dave to his comrades. Dave has been terrorising the community and citizens are getting concerned. The Gardai have promised swift...
Read full storyMan With World's Longest Index Finger Declares That He 'Just Can't Win'
World record holder, Gordon P Gordon today declared that he was conceding defeat in the battle for world record honours. Mr Gordon declared that the competition was just too stiff. "I think that at one time it was okay to advertise yourself as...
Read full storyBlagojevich Keeps His Vow
In a move that is both noble and in contempt of most courts of law, Illinois Governor Blagojevich today kept his vow to avoid his own impeach hearings. To his constituents this move is both endearing for its honest conviction to a promise made, and d...
Read full storySnopes Website Discovered to be Elaborate Hoax
Snopes, the formerly trusted website to which web-surfers the world over turned in order to separate fact from fiction and truth from urban legend, has itself been revealed to be an elaborate hoax. Stanley Gardner, the lead detective in the invest...
Read full storyPeak Oil Itinerary Discussed
Venezuela - Planning for the future, Opec Nations met today to discuss the proposed itinerary for Peak Oil.Composed of more than 60% of the world's crude oil suppliers, OPEC has decided that doling out Peak Oil to countries at different times could b...
Read full storyVatican To Sell La Pieta To Dubai Shopping Mall Consortium
Deadline: Rome - Following several aborted attempts to buy ailing premiership football club, Liverpool, the Dubai Exploit This Western Recession And Milk It Group have announced proposals to flash the cash at one of Christianity's most revered symbol...
Read full storyObama Meets Historic Delegation In White House
President Barack Hussein Obama yesterday made more history by meeting with the first ever delegation of Martians sent to Earth by their Emperor, Marvin. The Martian delegation stated their joy at finally meeting the man whose image had dominated n...
Read full storySpace Aliens Steal Bermuda
A South Florida kingfish tournament was interrupted briefly Monday afternoon, as people stopped to gawk at the island of Bermuda as it rose into the Eastern sky. The island, which appeared to be rising under the force of a gigantic tractor beam, trav...
Read full storyMost Unpopular Woman In Known Universe Reinvents Herself
London, this morning. A plush hotel. - Heather Mills, ex-wife of ex-Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney, previously thought to be one of the most reviled women in the world has embarked upon a Madonna-esque mission to reinvent herself. Mills positively ooz...
Read full storyYou Tube and Cristiano Ronaldo - The Pathetic Truth
Having recently crashed his Ferrari into the wall of a tunnel close to Manchester Airport, Cristiano Ronaldo has confessed exactly what he was up to on the night of the crash. "I see on You Tube, muchos Ferraris, driving in tunnels in Europa, revv...
Read full storyBrian Clough Appointed New Manager of Heaven XI
Football Armageddon - the final battle between the forces of good and evil draws near. Brian Clough, "the best manager England never had" has been sensationally appointed as manager of Heaven XI, by God, (Chairman) thereby ending months of specula...
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