Aspirin has been reclassified as a class A drug, introducing the possibility of lifetime imprisonment for anyone caught supplying the former headache suppressant.
Home secretary Jacqui Smith cited the "uncertainty" surrounding the effects of the drug on the human brain as the reason for the shock reclassification.
Recent studies by some people in sheds have suggested that users of the drug might be up to 12 times more likely to commit murder or steal a dog and move it a few yards up the road, and Smith indicated the government had taken these findings "very seriously."
She went on to say that she would "err on the side of caution" and ignore all credible scientific advice, adding that the government "refuses to be told what to do by people who actually know what they're talking about."
The decision follows a highly effective tabloid scare campaign by the Daily Mail, who for the past week have replaced their front page with a picture of a crying child standing on an oversized pill, accompanied by the simple headline, "Why?"
Journalist Colostomy Sixpence, responsible for whipping up DrugWatch UK's findings into a barely-credible storm, said that the government's decision showed "real character" but that the popular hate-rag "will still be getting the Tories elected, so sorry about that."
Actual scientist David Goldstein was unavailable for comment, opting instead to throw his head repeatedly at the nearest wall.