LOS ANGELES, California - President George W. Bush recently granted his first interview since leaving the White House to Larry King host of CNN's Larry King Live.
LK: Good morning Mr. President. How are you today sir?
GB: I'm fine thank you. And how about you?
LK: I'm good and thanks for asking. First of all Mr. President, how does it feel to be just plain old John Q. Public.
GB: Larry can you say pubic on TV?
LK: I said John Q. Public...Public with an 'L' between the 'B' and the 'I.'
GB: Oh, I'm sorry Larry, I must have been daydreaming about Condi again...you know I sure do miss that gal. Ah Larry you will be able to edit that out right?
LK: No sir, Mr. President...we're live.
GB: Shit!
LK: Sir, let me ask you the question that you know and I know that everyone wants to know. There were never any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were there?
GB: Larry you are 100 percent right. The whole stupid weapons of mass destruction bullshit was dreamt up by Donald Rumsfeld. He said that it came to him in a dream.
LK: Okay, fair enough. So tell me. Now that you are out of the White House are there any things that you want to bring out...any confessions, other than the fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction.
GB: Oh yeah. I've got plenty of secrets and confessions to talk about. Let me start off with Senator John McCain.
LK: Great.
GB: Well as you know there is no love lost between 'Comb-Over' John and myself. I used to like John. But then he started criticizing me and saying that I was a lousy president and that I mispronounced a lot of words and shit like that...
LK: Well you do mispronounce a lot of words.
GB: And that's my point. Now I had promised John that I would never reveal his secret but since he started acting all Dick Cheney on me I am going to spill the beans. John McCain is a bed-wetter.
LK: A bed-wetter?
GB: Yes sir. And even his wife doesn't know...well at least until she sees this interview.
LK: How could Cindy not know. I mean she shares his bed for goodness sakes.
GB: Wrong, scarecrow man. Do the math.
LK: Oh, okay. I see.
GB: And talking about women. How about that Sarah Paladin woman.
LK: Ah, Mr. President, you mean Sarah Palin.
GB: Yes, that's what I said, Sarah Paladin. Please pay attention Lar. Anyway, Congresswoman Paladin claims to be this great White female hunter. Well, I have no respect for a hunter like her.
The woman hunts moose, and caribou, and reindeer from up in a damn helicopter. Hell my mother-in-law could do that and she's pushing 100.
LK: You know sir, I think I may have dated your mother-in-law.
GB: Why hell Larry, as old as you are, I'll bet you probably dated Abraham Lincoln's sisters.
LK: Well speaking of sisters. What can you tell me about Condoleezza Rice?
GB: Well...she's a fox Larry. Slim and trim. And I'm probably the only man in all 48 states who knows her bra size.
LK: 36-B?
GB: Nope. 34-A.
LK: And what can you tell me about Nancy Pelosi?
GB: Ah yes, Nancy Pancy. Well first of all the woman looks fantastic for 68. She gets a Brazilian wax job on the first Saturday of each month. And she has the initials "PP" tattooed on her bikini line.
LK: PP?
GB: Yes, Paul Pelosi her husband.
LK: Gosh. You do get around Mr. President.
GB: Well, let's just say that this old Texas fella has been to a whole lotta rodeos...and the cowboy has certainly mounted more than his share of fillies.
LK: Okay. How about the military scene. Any secrets there?
GB: Well, back in 2006 I had every intention of invading Canada.
LK: Canada??? Why in the world would you want to invade Canada?
GB: Because of Neil Young. That 63-year-old hippie was a burr in my side Larry...a damn Canadian burr. Do you know that he had the audacity to write a song about Laura's cleavage.
LK: No, I didn't know that, but I'd like to know what stopped you from invading Canada?
GB: Well Larry, you know that Celine Dion woman, that skinny singing gal from Queenback, Canada. Well she somehow got wind of my invasion plans and she called me up one night from Vegas crying like hell and begging me to please not invade her beloved Canada.
Well after listening to her go on for about 20 minutes, I felt sorry for her and I told her that I would leave Canada alone and go and invade some other country instead.
LK: So Canada came close to be attacked.
GB: Yes sir, if it hadn't a been for Saline Diaz calling me up, Canada right now would look a little bit like the South Pole, or the North Pole, I forget which.
LK: Say, I've been meaning to ask you. Is there any truth to the rumors about you and Ann Coulter?
GB: Larry are you asking me if I poked the woman?
LK: Well, not exactly...I guess...but okay, did you poke the woman?
GB: No sir. I never had the pleasure. You know logistics and all. But let me say that even as recently as this morning, the woman is still emailing me extremely provocative and explicit photos of herself in various stages of undress.
LK: Have you got any with you sir?
GB: I sure do. Looky here...
LK: Damn. Mr. President the woman is some kind of thin, and hey...there's a hell of a surprise. The drapes don't match the carpet.
GB: You're correcto. And Larry correcto is Spinach for correct. A little Sherwin Williams paint job huh Larry. But talking about her body. Hell thin ain't the word for it Larry. The gal is skinny. No...the bitch is downright anorexic-looking. Shit, she's 47 and she still wears a training bra.
Hell she stands 6 foot 3 and weighs about 72 pounds. And Larry as you can clearly see from the picture, her legs go up all the way to her nipples. And for all practical purposes she really ain't got a crotch.
LK: Wow. Okay. Ah TMI Mr. President...TMI.
GB: And just what the hell does TMI mean Larry? Texas Military Institute?
LK: No sir. TMI stands for 'Too Much Information.'
GB: Wow. That's clever. Is that a CNN term?
LK: No. It's pretty well used nation-wide. Well Mr. President. Another thing I wanted to ask you about concerns Marilyn Monroe.
GB: I knew it. I figured you'd come around to that.
LK: Is it true that you actually found a pair of her panties underneath the bed in your presidential bedroom.
GB: Well Larry, I did find a pair of pink panties and they had the initials MM monogramed on the size label.
LK: Wow...Marilyn Monroe.
GB: Well I certainly hope so. I would hate to think that they belonged to Moms Mabley.
LK: Woof. And on that note Mr. President, I'll say goodbye, good luck, and good riddance.
GB: What?
LK: Just kiddin' ya Georgy...just kiddin' ya.
