Former FDA officials confess aspartame is poison
WASHINGTON, DC - Former FDA officials, who wish to remain unnamed, confided to this reporter that the FDA knew all along that aspartame was poison, but was directed by the National Security Council to approve it to reduce the number one security issu...
Read full storyWhy Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find...
Read full storyMan City To Sign Lookalikees
Fed up Manchester City manager Mark Hughes says he's tired of wasting his efforts pursuing football's top names and will instead form a team made up entirely of lookalikees having this week signed the likes of Kaka, Ronaldo Messi and 1966 World Cup w...
Read full storyPrince Charles, Camillo To Use Private Jet On "Green Tour"
Prince Charles was accused of hypocrisy last night for using a private jet on an 'environmental' tour of South America. The prince will travel to the region next month in a visit costing an estimated £300,000 as part of his personal crusade agains...
Read full storyHip Hop Harry arrested for indecent exposure
In breaking news, Hip Hop Harry was arrested today for allegedly exposing himself, and masturbating in front of a rack of Barbie Dolls at a Meijer's Thrifty Acre Superstore located in Detroit, Michigan. Details were still coming in at this hour, but...
Read full storyKiss My Mistress
Iconic glam rock band Kiss have released a single called My Mistress which has gone straight into the US singles charts at number four. The group, which has re-formed many times and in many different line-ups since their debut in 1973, is famous for...
Read full storyHip Hop Harry, Sponge Bob Squarepants and C-Funk arrested for hit on Barney
There is breaking news this morning out of Compton, California where police just arrested Hip Hop Harry, C-Funk, and Sponge Bob Squarepants for the drive-by shooting of Barney, the purple dinosaur loved dearly by millions of children nationwide. W...
Read full storyCalifornia gangs move into 21st century
Gangs across California have moved into the 21st century by becoming more tolerant of differences in human sexual behaviors. At least 3 gangs in northern California have started gay and lesbian chapters as a way to increase membership, turf territori...
Read full storyOctuplets Mom Is A Proper Dog
She should never have done it. She should have just left it alone. But she didn't. The mother of EIGHT babies, all at once, Nadya Sillywoman, of Witless Ca, unemployed, with six kids already and jobless, had the effrontery to pose for photographs...
Read full storySteven Seagal Injured in Guitar Hero Accident
Action movie star Steven Seagal was admitted to hospital last week after suffering a sprained testicle while playing the popular Guitar Hero game on the Xbox 360. Seagal is claimed to have been attempting the elusive 'Double Whammy-Bar Deflect wit...
Read full storyVirtual-Rape Computer Game Pulled
A shocking rape-simulator computer game has been pulled from shelves after the game's manufacturer received widespread condemnation for its contents. Players of "Rapelay" that was created by a Japanese production house, stalk and sexually assault...
Read full storyFirehouse Burns To The Ground...Again!
Believe it or not, a fire station in Syke, Germany, was destroyed last week after it burned to the ground. It took six fire engines with it along with equipment, cost over # million dollars by early estimates, according to the Austrian Times. The...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Wins Them Over!
Jessica Simpson opened for Rascal Flatts at Madison Square Gardens Friday night without forgetting the lyrics to her songs and crying. Jessica was wearing a skirt. She explained between songs that sometimes when she was wearing pants or short...
Read full storyShilpa Shetty voodoo hex blamed for Goody woes
London - (Karmic Crap Mess): BNP fans of Jade Goody's 2007 Celebrity Racist Big Brother rant are in hiding this weekend after blaming a Shilpa Shetty 'voodoo hex' for the stricken reality TV contestant's woes. "Shetty invoked the wrath of Kali, go...
Read full storyScotland Adopts Prohibition
Scotland has decided to adopt radical new alcohol prohibition laws. Under the scheme it will become illegal to serve, sell or drink alcohol anywhere in Scotland apart from on New Year's Eve. The new laws, which come into effect on May 1st 2009, wil...
Read full storyScientists Identify New Disability
Scientists and Medical Doctors have identified a new disability that was formerly considered another form of laziness. This is good news for an estimated 250,000 people in the world that suffer from this syndrome. "Microwave Programmers Disabilit...
Read full storyDarts could star in 2012 Olympics
Olympic organisers are meeting today to discuss the possible inclusion of new sports for the 2012 Olympics. Senior officials from the governing bodies of various sports will make a case for their applications to be included. A vote will determine w...
Read full storyJade Goody all set for role in Eastenders
Cancer ridden tabloid cod piece Jade Goody was said to be delighted after the make a wish foundation granted her wish of appearing in long running BBC television show eastenders. It's thought the former big brother, celebrity big brother and racis...
Read full storyOlympic construction delay: Brown's wallet found
Workers carrying out construction work on the 2012 Olympic Games site in London were forced to halt duties for some time after a worker discovered a wallet bearing the name of UK Prime Minister Mr Gordon Brown. A phone call was made by the constr...
Read full story"Antimacassars Useless" claims What Chair? magazine
Antimacassars, the small material or crocheted pads designed to fit on the headrests of chairs, have been proven not to work. In extensive testing, What Chair? magazine found that they did very little to prevent upholstery infestation by the Common...
Read full storyMoon Splits in Two
In a dramatic St Valentine's Day Event the Dark side of the Moon separated from the Light and slowly slipped off to its own orbit on the opposite side of Earth. Lovers all over the World stood and watched in awe and wonderment as the Luna Severin...
Read full storyRoy 'Chubby' Brown Sued Under Trade Descriptions Act
The world of show business went into a blue funk today as news emerged that a Doncaster man was suing 'comedian' Roy 'Chubby' Brown under the Trade Descriptions Act. "This man bills himself as a comedian," Mr Patrick Bollix, of Doncaster told us.
Read full storyParliament Toilets To Be Fitted With Thrutching Bars
Parliament this morning authorised a £10 million scheme to fit thrutching bars in all toilet stalls in the house, prompting calls from opposition MPs for the resignation of Gordon Brown and the abolition of slavery. Dave 'do nothing' Cameron decli...
Read full storyJacko Seen Lurking Near Octuplets
Nowhere CA -- Former King of Pop, Micheal (Jacko) Jackson, has been seen hanging around the hospital floor where the famous octuplets were born last week. The bizarrely dressed Jacko "looked like something from Night of the Living Dead." according t...
Read full storyObama's $787 Billion Economic Stimulus To Be Wired To Nigerian Accounts
WASHINGTON (FMLIVEWIRE) -- The US Congress approved the $787 billion economic stimulus bill on Friday sought by the Obama administration, with the proviso that the money will first be wired to special Nigerian offshore accounts as recommended by seni...
Read full storyNew Chelsea Drama As 'Guus Hiddink' Discovered To Mean Something Rude In Holland
There was a new twist to the Chelsea managerial saga this morning, when language experts who had worked through the night discovered that the strange-sounding name of the new boss, Dutchman Guus Hiddink, means something rude in Holland. Hiddink,...
Read full storyObama's shocking "stimulus package" for Bankers
With the Senate finally approving Barak Obama's $787billion stimulus package for the economy, a little-read sub-section in small print on page 492 has come to light. $8000 of the money is to be used to "stimulate" the testicles of Bank executives...
Read full storyFrench Answer to Illegal Immigration
The French Government, has teamed up with Eurostar to cure their illegal immigrant problem . A new "Sangatte " is to be built, with funding from Eurostar, not at Calais, as first suspected, but in Paris. The location is to allay fears in Britain...
Read full storyMuckDonalds wins first prize in toilets survey
A survey conducted by almost two people, over the last seventeen and a half minutes, has found that the organisation that has done the most to further international hygiene over the last decade has been MuckDonalds. No other organisation has built...
Read full storyObamative Action
Once upon a time in America, it took pressure, politics and some pretty aggressive pissing matches to up the quota of black actors, teachers, lawyers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Now that the US has found that black is beautiful enough t...
Read full storyUniversity Opens A-Roid Stadium
The University of Nowhere has a long history of cheating in sports, from 35 year old ringers at QB to a locker room more juiced up than a Florida orange grove. When Alex Rodriguez offered to be the benefactor behind their new college baseball sta...
Read full storyR&B Chris Brown Re-Arrested in Tussle with Sesame Street's Elmo
Once so squeaky clean, that he did the old soft shoe with Sesame Street star Elmo, Chris Brown is just about drowning in a date violence quagmire of his own making. Brown has been arrested for beating up his girlfriend and once singing partner Ri...
Read full storyGerbil and Richard Gere Nominated for Awards for Nights in Rodent-he
Author of potboilers, Nicholas Sparks entered new turf when he penned the boy meets rodent, boy loses rodent (up his ass) and then boy really loses rodent (dead you know). Now the incredible love journey of a gerbil up the rear view of a Hollywood st...
Read full storyChina to demonstrate Arab hijacker demolishing CCTV building
Beijing's biggest fire for eleventeen years has presented a huge problem. China's most prestigious building currently under construction, the new CCTV offices and studios, were gutted earlier this week. Deciding whether to destroy the building, or...
Read full storyPeople for Ethical Treatment of Idiots Rally in Washington DC
Washington DC: People for Ethical Treatment of Idiots (PETI) staged a protest outside the White House and on Capitol Hill. PETI's membership roles also include morons and fools. A PETI founder, Britney Dumbbunny, said "the organization was formed...
Read full storyWhat?
What do you want? Sorry mate you must have wandered in here by mistake. Now don't get a strop on mah sahn or I'll have no option but to sort it. This is the Magazine section, yeah? And I'm having a fag innit? You want points then go to to the Headlines page. Makes no fackin odds to me. Jast fack orf or I'll fackin give yer a good levverin. You can't come in here without a t...
Read full story10 Things To Do After Logging On To TheSpoof.com
There's no point in adding tags here because nobody ever reads the Magazine section anyway. Where was I? Oh yes... 10 things to do after logging on to TheSpoof.com: 1:- Go to the fridge for another beer. 2:-Shake your head in bewilderment and wonder to yourself: What the hell is wrong with these people? 3:- Think to yourself - hang on, this is kind of funny. Ish. 4:- Think to...
Read full storySolitary Reader of 1116 Page US Stimulus Package Found Dead: Suicide Suspected!
Washington,DC/ Washington Post /AP - The only elected official in Congress who read the entire Stimulus Package prepared by Democratic Ghost Writers, was found dead today in a Washington park under mysterious circumstances. The Senator, who's name...
Read full storyWitch Doctors Sold Tainted Love Filled Chocolates
Welldidja Siyatcoming, Idaho - What began as a not as friendly as it should have been treat between lovers quickly turned to a town reeking of Utter Indifference today. Chocolates filled with the fabled Love Potion #9, and marketed directly by the Wo...
Read full storyMan speaks fluent African tongue after boil bursts
A Crystal Palace man, who must remain nameless for legal reasons, started to speak fluently in the K'Naggit language of the Bakongo people of Angola when a boil on his backside burst. His wife Susan, a language teacher, thought she recognised some wo...
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