Parliament this morning authorised a £10 million scheme to fit thrutching bars in all toilet stalls in the house, prompting calls from opposition MPs for the resignation of Gordon Brown and the abolition of slavery.
Dave 'do nothing' Cameron declined to comment on the matter as he felt he was unqualified to do so.
The thrutching bars - effectively a vertical handrail placed on either side of the pan to enable crappers to hang on with both hands whilst they attempt to squeeze one out -will be constructed of solid silver on titanium mounting plates.
Further discussions were ongoing regarding provision of gold plated chopping rods for the purpose of chopping super-sized logs for ease of flushing.
Barry Sillet-Bang, MP for Grimethorpe has been appointed to oversee the project.
More as we get it.