Psycho Amanda Knox gets what she deserves
Deranged psychopath Amanda Knox and her equally sick boyfriend Raffaele Suckacheeto have been found guilty of murdering student Meredith Kercher. Despite desperate attempts by Knox's nauseating parents to paint their psycho daughter as sweet and i...
Read full storyJungle King Gino A Bit Worried About Coming Home
Italian chef and newly crowned King Of The Jungle, Gino D'Acampo was over the moon tonight following his richly deserved jungle triumph. Gino proved that he can cut the mustard when he's in a jam and that he can tolerate being surrounded by tarts,...
Read full storySick Lollipop Man Responsible for the Deaths of Five Children
A concerned father from Devon was getting a bit worried about all three of his children getting put in to detention for being late for classes three days in a row. They said; "But daddy! It's not our fault we are late for lessons, it's the traf...
Read full storyMoon Bombs Earth with Snow
It looks as though the moon has gotten revenge for NASA bombing it. A NASA spokesman announced today that the snowstorm that is about to envelope the Houston area is a direct result of a recent bombing mission aimed at the moon. Ikan Shovl, a s...
Read full storyGive a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you introduce another competitor into the overcrowded fishing industry, he and his descendants will do so until all fish approach extinction, contravening EU fishing policy, reducing the biodiversity of the world's oceans and increasing the economic decline of the fishing industry. Therefore give a man a fish, and you save...
Read full storyFlagrant Foul: It Looks Like The Khloe Kardashian - Lamar Odom Honeymoon Is Over
LOS ANGELES - Well it looks like one of basketball's most talked about honeymoons may be setting in the Pacific Ocean. Los Angeles Lakers star Lamar Odom and his pleasantly stacked unblushing bride Khloe Kardashian of the California-famous Kardash...
Read full storyTime-Traveller Wanted
WANTED: Somebody to go forward in time with me, to save our world. This is not a fake ad. My contact: destroy-terminators@skynet.web. You'll be paid after we get back. You must bring your own weapons of choice to destroy shape-shifters and cyborgs with a weird Austrian accent. Safety not guaranteed.
Read full storyRihanna is in love with the Sambia
Rihanna at a press conference came out to say that she supports her people's cultural rituals and is petitioning the government for a Sambia awareness day on the Calander. Rihanna said, "I was intrigued by the rite of passage into manhood which...
Read full storyRevealed: CIA behind Climategate scandal
ARLINGTON - Emails and other documents leaked from the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) reveal that the spy agency is behind the current 'Climategate' scandal -- but in a very roundabout way. The information was stolen by a hacker from CIA co...
Read full storyBible not "conservative" enough
Branson, Missouri - Andy Schlafly, son of Phyllis Schlafly, is picking up where his mother left off. "She was always too liberal", he said in an interview. "Sure, she campaigned against women's rights, but you'll note that she never campaigned agai...
Read full storyEngland And USA Drawn Together In World Cup.
The England football team are all set to resume hostilities with their colonial cousins and War Of Independence rivals in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Also in group C are Algeria, and Slovenia, neither of whom, quite frankly, are up to much...
Read full storyWorld Cup Draw - The Group Of Death
Group G is officially the World Cup 'Group Of Death' matching up Brazil, North Korea, Cote D'Ivoire (Ivory Coast) and Portugal. Brazil v Portugal promises to be interesting, because although both countries share a common language, there is little...
Read full story"Twat In The World" Magazine Admits It Accidentally Gave Wrong Numbers
"Twat In The World" a speciality magazine that came out in November of last year has admitted to it's advertisers that they accidentally gave out the wrong number of their subscribers. "By mistake, one of our staff who stutters a lot and has the...
Read full storyJesus Loves You: Everyone Else Thinks You Are An Asshole.
The Reverend TJ McCorkle always had thought provoking and sometimes quirky signs in front of his church, The First Church Of God, in Louisburg, NC. The last week in November was, if anything, his most controversial. It read: Jesus Loves You: Everyon...
Read full storyThe Tiger Woods Crazy Putting Game out now for Xmas
Tired of playing Panopoly? Sick of yet another game of Cluebore? Then why not get the new Tiger Woods Crazy Putting Game, for those long hours after Christmas dinner you have to spend with your boring inlaws you'd far rather were machine-gunned to de...
Read full storyFat guy seen wearing athletic jersey
Washington, DC resident Milt Candless was shocked when he recently saw what looked to be a "overweight, out of shape guy" smoking a cigarette and wearing a jersey "in the style of those worn by the Washington Redskins." "In the first place," e...
Read full storyLocal Woman Tells Man He Has 'Nice Arse'
'Shocking!' led the headline in The Daily Whinge; 'Arse!' ran the headline in The Sun: But all papers were uniform in their agreement about the details regarding the verbal banter between local woman Karen Burgess and plumber Tom Thumb. On Decembe...
Read full storyRolling Stones Drop Ron Wood for Ronnie Montrose
Fed up with Wood's recently reported marital and legal troubles, the Rolling Stones have taken courses of action to separate themselves from Wood before the start of the new ablum and international tour. Front man Mick Jagger, could not be reached...
Read full storyGene Simmons Admits Tongue On Steroids
The George Mitchell Report on major league baseball players has caught a strange fish in it's net. Former Kiss star, Gene Simmons, has been using steroids on his tongue. "How we got Simmons piss samples mixed in with all the others, I don't know.
Read full storyAshley Greene: Mineral Make-Up Best For Teens, Moms
According to the recent breakthroughs in cosmetics, natural minerals used for make-up will do no harm and actually help the skin of today's young ladies and help restore damage by the use of artificial cosmetics in the past. "Natural minerals is...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly Interviews God, Viscious Fight Ensues
In a controversial incident on Fox News, Bill O'Reilly was interviewing God, asking how the Almighty could come to allow the Democrats to run both the Senate and White House. During God's attempt to explain that he had to be fair to all sides, O'...
Read full storyStress Balls Found to Cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome
Following a national increase in reported cases of carpel tunnel syndrome, the American Medical Association has released a report targeting stress balls as the root cause. Researched by Dr. Hayman Getoff-Maiklowd, recently reported CPS cases seeme...
Read full storyNew GMO crops defend themselves
MUDBURY - Scientists have developed 'next generation' genetically modified (GMO) crops that defend themselves from attackers. In Britain, pressure has long been building on researchers to achieve this milestone, as security has become by far the...
Read full storyGordon Brown has Alzheimer's, claims Hollywood star Renée Zellweger as Prime Minister calls for more battered women.
Hollywood superstar Renée Zellweger was left fuming when the Prime Minister confused her with campaigning actress Reece Witherspoon. Ms Zellweger is an expert on British politics who plays most of her roles with an English accent. She has demanded an...
Read full storyCongressional committee expands gatecrashing probe to fake bond failure
Secret Service Director Marcus Sillyman was on the spot again on Friday, as the committee investigating the gatecrashing incident at a White House state dinner took shots at the agency for failing to follow up on a massive counterfeiting bust in Ital...
Read full storyKatie Price claims to be Tiger Woods' fourth hole
Following the claims that a nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel has been paid $1M not to tell the press about her relationship with Tiger Woods, Katie Price has contacted the press to say she is also willing to negotiate a deal. She says she is willing...
Read full storyNinja assassin kangaroo found in toxic canal
COCKPORT, Ill. - Officials have discovered a ninja kangaroo Thursday in a canal leading to Lake Michigan. The Mayor of Cockport, Peter Shaft expressed concern of a covert plan to assassinate the wildlife in his town. Tens of thousands of species o...
Read full storyJedward to marry
Jedward have announced today that John has fallen head over heals in love and plans to marry in the new year. he admits that when he fist saw his new love he was blown away by her. He says and it helps that they are both in the music industry. A...
Read full storyLost Version Of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird' Found.
A long lost recording of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird' was uncovered at an undisclosed Alabama address yesterday. The track, thought to be the original recording, comes in at just under two weeks and thirty five minutes. Wade Gurber, music histor...
Read full storySalahis' shock as London 'Gatecrasher Balls' mastermind in £14m fraud bust
London - (Party Pooper-Scooper): White House wannabe celeb gatecrashers Michaele and Tareq Salahi are in shock. A London 'lord of the manna' Edward Davenport, 43, founder of the original Gatecrasher Balls, has been busted by the Serious Fraud Squ...
Read full storyUK Drink Driving Limit to be lowered
In the run up to the Christmas season, it has been announced that the statutory drink driving limit is to be lowered from two units to one. One unit is a small glass of wine, half a pint of a normal strength beer or sniffing from a bottle of spiri...
Read full storyPot Hole Conspiracy Uncovered
The U.S. National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB) in conjunction with the British Association for Road Traffic Safety and Management (ARTSM), have uncovered a conspiracy to defraud tax payers of road maintenance budget funds. Outlined by Bobby "Bug" S...
Read full storyRachel Uchitel paid $1m by Tiger Woods, but he still denies 'it'
(Defecated News)Reports in the last few minutes have confirmed that the alleged payment of $1m from Tiger Woods to Rachel Uchitel DID happen, although Woods claims to have a reasonable explanation for this. With his ever-uncertain marriage, and w...
Read full storyObama's Missing Gift Certificate Found.
Washington, D.C.-Laid to rest: one Obama conspiracy theory. The missing gift certificate which has cause so much controversy during and after Barrack Obama's election, has been found. It was in a box of papers which the Obama's never unpacked when th...
Read full storyGary McKinnon handed over to the US
(Defecated News) In what can only be described as 'shocking', serial hacker and spastic Gary McKinnon was apprehended by British special forces last night and, (as any bitch would do), Gordon Brown handed him over to Uncle Sam. For months, the fu...
Read full storyWalking Disaster Discovered
Pizmo Beach Pennsyltucky: University PhD's try to correlate events with other events and then render an opinion as to whether any causality exists. No scientific method is required only an ideology, political or otherwise. Pennsyltucky University (PU) professors correlated the vacation destinations of Pizmo Beach's leading citizen Philbert of Macadamia. They found the following: 1. Fargo ND,...
Read full storyBarack Obama's inauguration speech in full
Here is the real 44th American President's inauguration speech, now revealed under the Freedom of Information Act, and because there is no more satire in this website: 'My fellow Americans and illegal immigrants, I thank President Bush for his stand-up routine, it had the world in stitches. Now let's just forget I'm from Hawaii, which is as about as American as China is, and let's just keep...
Read full story6 Hours longer days this Christmas
People who have not enough time for Christmas shopping will be allowed to use a 30 hours day instead of the usual 24 hours day during the festive season. Greenwich Observatory Daylight Committee held meetings with the representatives of major superst...
Read full storyNew £20 note to feature Saddam Hussein's image
(Defecated News) For years, the Royal Mint has taken pride in creating inspirational and thought-provoking coinage and.....note-age. But that flare for 'pushing the boundaries ' may have gone a step too far some citizens. The new £20 note is to fe...
Read full storyElin Woods wins with Amanda Knox over Kimbo Slice in WWF Matchup
Corroborated smackdown is now coming in confirming Kimbo Slice has made the move to WWF wrestling and has lost in his first match up involving Tiger Woods' wife. The WWE Entertainment group apparently felt setting Kimbo up for an easy victory aga...
Read full story'Gordon Brown Ate My Pussy'
(Defecated News) Prime Minister Gordon Brown (recently dubbed 'The World's Most Love Leader') has gone down a storm in China after eating some hot spicy pussy. During a tour of Beijing, Brown was invited to attend the 2009 Annual Cat Cook-off Cham...
Read full storySwine Gets Skoob Flu
Sidney, a baby bacon porker was hospitalised this morning after contracting the NY1DO1 Skoob flu virus. The patient complained of severe pains in the nether regions, outpourings of pointless verbosity, a sudden craving for alcoholic beverages, severe...
Read full storySomali Pirate Hostage Row Rages On
The diplomatic storm surrounding the kidnapping of the Firkin family from Norwich as they went for a sailing trip off the Horn Of Africa continues to rage unabated. The kidnappers are demanding $3.5 million US for the safe release of the Firkins,...
Read full storyColourful Local "Character" Arrested Again
Local man, Fotheringay Fairbanks - the ex-public schoolboy who looks a little like the late Terry Thomas in his heyday, who wears a monocle, and talks like he's got a mouthfull of marbles was arrested again in the early hours of this morning. 'Lor...
Read full storyRolling Stone Guitarist Ron Wood Arrested!
LONDON - Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood, 62, has been arrested for allegedly choking his girlfriend Russian-born Ekaterina Ivanova, 20. The couple had just returned to their Ruxley Towers home in Claygate after having a Laotian dinner at a Camb...
Read full storyTiger Woods Also Admits to Masturbating
In a candid interview this afternoon, #1 ranked golfer Tiger Woods admitted that when he's not bedding down with super models like Rachel Uchitel he has a tendency to masturbate. "The pressure is overwhelming", Tiger revealed. "I have beautiful w...
Read full storyThe Infamous "Goat Girl" To Tour With The Bonnie and Clyde Car
DUCKWATER, Nevada - One of the West Coast's most prominent Cultural Anthropologists Dr. Diane J. Poor, PhD, recently called a press conference to reveal a rather startling development. Dr. Poor who along with Boston's Dr. Fittland P. Child, PhD, i...
Read full storyTrial Lawyer Buys Own Ambulance to Round Up Cases
Davenport, IA - Aaron Truscott IV, Esq., a trial attorney from a family of infamous ambulance chasers, has taken the family firm "Truscott & Sons" to a new level with the purchase of the firm's first ambulance. Truscott said that competition f...
Read full storyFans Defend Tiger Woody
Florida - Disgraced golfer Tiger Woody, once famous four hundred yard drives, has apologized for his latest four hundred yard drive a couple days ago which ended with him bouncing off a tree and landed in the rough causing some damage to his golf car...
Read full storyIdiot Gets Beaten By Rampaging Mob - Regains Consciousness - But Still an Idiot Shocker
A local man, long regarded as an idiot by neighbours was today subjected to a vicious assault after he attempted to bite a pit bull terrier at his local supermarket. Damian Hogan,51, was set upon by irate locals after launching a sustained and vio...
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