Bible not "conservative" enough

Funny story written by Alexandria177

Friday, 4 December 2009

image for Bible not "conservative" enough
Andy gets rid of the old "liberal" Bibles

Branson, Missouri - Andy Schlafly, son of Phyllis Schlafly, is picking up where his mother left off. "She was always too liberal", he said in an interview. "Sure, she campaigned against women's rights, but you'll note that she never campaigned against women."

"But even moreso", he continued, "she never tried to correct God's word, and re-write it more in line with what God would have said, if he'd been as wise as we are."

So Andy, with a little help from a few thousand inbred friends from all around the world wide web, is going to re-write the Bible so as to get all the "liberal" parts out of it. The only degree needed to participate in this scholarly project is a degree of IQ. Literally one degree will do, and no doubt will have to do.

This has raised the eyebrows not only of real Biblical scholars with degrees in theology, philosophy and languages, who know how complex the subject is, but the more mainstream type of conservatives as well.

Said Bubba Jones of Arkansas, "Well now, I can maybe see re-writin' some of the modern re-writes, like some of them New Revised editions that change male pronouns to gender neutral ones. But this here fellow is talkin' 'bout re-writin' the King James Version, sayin' how that's not conservative enough. That skeers even me!"

Indeed, even this writer for The Spoof is at a loss as to how to adequately lampoon a project that is pretty much a lampoon on it's own. Customarily, it would be appropriate to take some standard verse of the Bible, and pretend that Andy Schlafly had a problem with it and was going to delete it.

However, as Andy actually does have a problem with Christ saying on the cross, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.", for it being too liberal and wishy washy, I am wondering what more can be said.

Perhaps in the coming weeks, that being probably about how long these Bible burners will need for their scholastic undertaking, they can also get rid of those liberal messages of the meek inheriting the earth, forgiving other's trespasses, and removing beams from their eyes before removing motes from others.

If they've still time, maybe they can delete the creation story, which was nothing more than the tale of Eve accepting free food from Satan, clearly an allegory about the modern liberal welfare state.

Besides deleting, maybe they could add, too. Who hasn't thought that God was a bit unclear about homosexuality? Instead of the Old Testament just speaking of it as an abomination, maybe they could throw in something like, "And take ye the man who lays with men, and toweth him behind thine pick up truck, that ye might find favor with the Lord thy God."

Sadly, it is looking like this will be the silliest version of God's word since it was translated into a "jive" street talk some decades ago, which even now is not in line with current street talk.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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