Rolling Stone Guitarist Ron Wood Arrested!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 4 December 2009

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Ruxley Towers in Claygate, where Ron Wood and Ekaterina Ivanova reside (NOTE: That's Ron in the lower foreground.)

LONDON - Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood, 62, has been arrested for allegedly choking his girlfriend Russian-born Ekaterina Ivanova, 20.

The couple had just returned to their Ruxley Towers home in Claygate after having a Laotian dinner at a Cambodian restaurant named Rice-Rice Ricky's Rice Restaurant.

Kit-Kat, as Wood calls his unbelievably young girlfriend, said that Ron had drunk about a bottle and a half of Seagram's Seven.

She said that she herself had drunk about a bottle of Russian Icicles Vodka. They left the restaurant after forgetting to order any food or so they said.

The trouble apparently started at the restaurant when Wood got mad because when he got the bill it included charges for the Seagram's Seven, the Vodka, and two Poo Poo Moo Foo Poo platters which he claimed they never got and actually never ordered.

The waiter, Goo Poo Ho Jr., told him that they had indeed ordered the two platters and when they got them Ron took the entire contents of both plates and put them into Kit-Kat's purse, which of course pissed her off beyond belief.

She immediately called him a royal bastard and he responded by calling her a Russian bitch. He then grabbed her purse and started to walk out of the restaurant. She hollered out that he looked like a gay guy carrying her purse.

He realized that she was damn right and he instantly dropped it. The purse hit the floor and the entire contents, a lipstick, an eyebrow pencil, a cell phone, a Scotch tape dispenser, and both platters of Poo Poo Moo Foo Poo went everywhere.

Ron noticed that a 22 pistol had also fallen out of her purse and had landed underneath the table. He asked her what the hell she was doing with a gun.

She did not answer. He yelled at her that he was a Rolling Stone and he demanded to know what the 'ell (hell) she was doing with a gun.

He yelled out again. Tell me dammit. I am a Rolling Stone. Finally Kit-Kat hollered back in a cute little Russian-British accent. "Shut the bloomin' pissup ya blimey punk or I will gets me the friggin gun and I blows yer blubberin' Rolling Stone penis off."

Wood turned around and started running toward his car yelling and hollering like Amy Winehouse with a microphone stuck up her (blank). The only problem was that he was so drunk he could not find his car.

Luckily for him his Uncle Biffy just happened to be coming home from work and he saw Ron and he picked him and Kit-Kat up and drove them home.

When they got out of Uncle Biffy's car Ron grabbed Kit-Kat's purse and once again it fell scattering all over the driveway. This time Kit-Kat pounced on him before the words Russian bitch had even left Ron's mouth.

A neighbor saw the two arguing and called police. He did not know the couple so he just said to get there quick as an old man was beating up on his granddaughter.

When the police arrived Wood had his hands around Kit-Kat's neck and the officer immediately told him to let her go. He hollered that he was a Rolling Stone. The officer said that he didn't care if he was one of the Kinks, he was ordering him to let her go.

Again Wood replied that he was a Rolling Stone. The officer took out his pepper spray and Pssssst. He laughed and said and now you are a pepper spray covered Rolling Stone huh mate?

Wood was picked up and throw into the police care and taken downtown to police headquarters.

Bail was set at 20,000 pounds [$33,108.52 U.S.] which Kit-Kat charged on her VISA card. The two lovebirds kissed, Ron grabbed a little tit, and the two walked out of the police building laughing hand in hand like the two bloomin' fruit loops that they are.

More info as it becomes available.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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