New GMO crops defend themselves

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Friday, 4 December 2009

image for New GMO crops defend themselves
Crops circle in defensive formation

MUDBURY - Scientists have developed 'next generation' genetically modified (GMO) crops that defend themselves from attackers.

In Britain, pressure has long been building on researchers to achieve this milestone, as security has become by far the largest cost of growing GM crops.

Howard Bilkinston of Deeds University, who has been running a field trial on GMO potatoes, said the trial itself cost 25,000 pounds but there was a "six figure" bill for security around it. This makes research prohibitively expensive, he said.

This year's field trials have gone well, according to Jonathan Hubris, PhD, of Mudbury College.

'Thus far, we have only been experimenting with maize (corn)', said Hubris, 'and results are outstanding. Insect-resistant crops are of course quite effective, but we needed something which would protect them from vandals as well.'

According to Hubris, the plants emit clouds of cyanide-laden pollen upon being attacked.

'In one month alone', said Hubris, 'we counted 32 corpses of Frenchmen inside our one-acre plot. Unfortunately, Josie Bovine was not among them.'

Hubris said that there was initially concern about how the crops would distinguish between being vandalized, and being harvested. However, that turns out not to be an issue.

'When the plants are fully mature and dry enough for harvesting, they have already resigned themselves to their fate', he said.

Greenprice International, the Amsterdam-based anti-globalist multinational seeking control of the world's food supply, issued a passionate plea to halt the research.

'This will completely destroy the vandal tourism industry across Europe', said spokesman Henedikt Baerlin. 'Unemployed activists are a real problem faced everywhere'.

The 'vandal tourism' industry arose when governments began requiring that the locations of field trials and GM crops be publicly available. During the summer growing season, Greenprice and other members of the protest industry offer 'tours' which involve visiting GM crop locations, with sometimes hundreds of activists destroying entire fields and dodging police.

'These people (activists) descend on farmers' fields like a plague of locusts', Hubris said. 'The HR (human resistance) trait will not be necessary in North America, but it will prove quite popular among European farmers', he forecast.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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