OJ Simpson guilty on all charges in robbery trial

Funny story written by Judge Retort

Tuesday, 7 October 2008


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OJ's favorite bars

After 13 years since the 1995 brutal slashing murder of his ex-wife Nicole and her, ahem, "friend" whats-his-name, OJ "Onto Joliet"* Simpson was finally cleared of the (in the opinion of Judge Retort) ridiculously trumped up - fabricated even! - charge of robbery.

The robbery took place at a nearby soup kitchen, where OJ stole the knife that was subsequently seen to never leave his side over the next 13 years.

The knife was first seen by the American public on top of that white Ford Bronco as OJ drove all around Los Angeles, back in '95, with TV helicopters following. He finally stopped, after running out of gas, and explained that he was just looking for his beloved knife.

The knife was next seen by the American public sticking out of Nicole's "friend's" neck in a home movie during the infamous court trial, and also seen in that famous McGruder film sticking out of JFK's neck, and seen over and over in every famous lifeless neck over the last 13 years. And, finally seen for the last time in a Las Vegas motel room sticking out of two necks of OJ's two buddies found pinned to the wall by it.

Families of these last two victims suggest that Las Vegas police over-emphasized the focus on the robbery of OJ's knife and should have pressed for murder charges. However, these were quickly dismissed by JUDGE ITO at the beginning of the trial after OJ's lawyer convinced him that it was an obvious suicide.

Coincidentally, it was the same judge who presided over the Nicole/"friend" stabbing trial -- said judge reportedly next off to Washington to preside over recent Wall Street FannyMae FreddieMac wrongdoings.

* Joliet Hyatt Regency Correctional Apartments, Illinois -- OJ's upcoming new living quarters.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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