Formula One to have 100m sprint
Formula One looks set to try and replicate the most popular track and field event, the 100m. Formula One bosses are quietly confident that the World Record 9.69secs by Usain Bolt can be broken by one of the Formula one cars, in what would be seen...
Read full storyShock as Gordon Brown appoints dead bodies to his cabinet
Signs of Gordon Brown's desperation and increasing distance from reality have appeared today when he announced his latest cabinet reshuffle, a reshuffle which includes the mouldering corpse of Karl Marx, dead for over a century. In what is seen as...
Read full storyJoe Biden taken to hospital after debates: Botox overdose poisoning.
News outlets were trying to see what type of facial reactions and body motions both vice presidential candidates would show in the debate, but with one of the candidates that might have been a problem because of botox injection rumors. CBS had hir...
Read full storyMs. Palin, you're no Angelina, I know Angelina
At a time of war, when our country's economic future looks as uncertain as Iraq paying for its own reconstruction, the country's insulted that John McCain couldn't find someone prettier and more qualified to be his running mate. Yes, he can use Palin's energy and spunk to give him a boost, but Angie has class. He's after all an old man who's beginning to walk with a shuffle, looks grumpy and...
Read full storyRob Styles Receives Threats Ahead Of Sunday's Tottenham v. Hull Game
Rob Styles, the referee who, last week, awarded Manchester United a 'penalty which wasn't a penalty' has received 'many threats', some quite grave, according to police ahead of Sunday's Premier League match between Tottenham and Hull at White Hart La...
Read full storyBailout Passes House, Paulson Crowned King
Ok, now that the House passed the bailout plan, we're officially a socialist country. Thanks to George Bush, we're capitalists in good times, socialists in bad. Lenin would chuckle. Will the $700 billion (plus a billion and a half of pork barr...
Read full storyBoston Tea Party's Fresh New Face
"My ship has come in," said an intoxicated Lucille Borman, newly classified member of the wealthy set. "A year ago, I was a middle-class school teacher with a five year old mini-van and a mortgage. Today, I'm part of the "rich getting richer" group a...
Read full storyHomelessness Starts At Home
Barack Obama's newest challenge has left him wondering what to do with the nearly 70% of Californians residing in Los Angeles. With all but one swing voting group in his pocket, Barack is going after the one constituency that has eluded every presid...
Read full storyLiverpool and Chelsea to groundshare
In an attempt to solve the ridiculous stadium problems at Liverpool and Chelsea, both clubs have agreed to share a ground between themselves. It was initially thought that Liverpool and Everton would share a ground, but that seems to have been a...
Read full storyBarack Offers Helping Hand, Gets Political Finger
Levitating above the crowd during his acceptance speech, Barack Obama promised change, an end to global warming and a ziplock sandwich bag that actually closed without having to roll across it with your body. He later recanted his third promise as a...
Read full storyArnold Schwarzenegger Wants $7 Billion
PETALUMA, California - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has stated that California needs an emergency loan of $7 billion. This has got some people asking questions then as to why the full bail-out package is set at $700 billion. Taking the full dol...
Read full storyThe Biden-Palin Debate...(No One Won)
EAST ST. LOUIS, Missouri - Most pollsters believe that the Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin vice-presidential debate pretty much ended up being a draw. Giuseppe Riggafrutch, executive director of the Milwaukee-based Covey of Pheasants Political Opinion...
Read full storyJoe Kinnear Swears He Will Get Newcastle Out Of Trouble
Newcastle United caretaker manager Joe 'Kinnell has gone on record as saying he swears he will turn things around at St James' Park, and that he will lift the Magpies out of fucking trouble. 'Kinnell made the sworn statement during an interview wi...
Read full storyJoe Biden invites Sarah Palin to his Home Depot for the next debate
Joe Biden was furious that the audience was "obviously stocked" with Sarah Palin supporters who laughed at her jokes, but who all gasped and moaned at each of his beaming leers. "John knows I can't smile with my eyes, like most folks!" He howled...
Read full storyNazi's To Change Their Name To Gozi's
As the bail out unfortunately passes and we head into hyper inflation, the globalists have finally come out of their closets and admitted that they were the offspring of Nazi financiers from the 30's. Now, they have decided to move their form of...
Read full storyJackie Chan Orders Roast Cat, Receives Chicken and Goes Berserk
NYC - Chinese martial arts actor Jackie Chan who is famous for his fists of steel, boyish looks and nice smile in many Hollywood pictures was arrested today after kicking in the face of two cashiers, a hostess, and the cook of a prestigious Manhattan...
Read full storyKim Kardashian's Butt Analyzed by Physicists
Recently voted off season 7 of "Dancing with the Stars", Kim Kardashian took the rejection in stride as she swayed her hips defiantly while walking off stage. Viewed by an ever increasing and depraved television audience, one devoted DWTS fan, Dr. H...
Read full storyBiden Spanks Palin During and After Debate
While both Republican and Democratic camps were quick to declare victory after this week's vice presidential debates, it was Senator Biden who won a personal bet with Governor Palin over viewer response to the telecast. The terms of the wager were...
Read full storyFederer: "Nadal is shit and he smells"
In his own words, Roger Federer, today revealed his true feelings and his bitter resentment towards Rafael Nadal, his biggest rival. On speaking about Rafeal Nadal, the world number one, Roger said the following regarding his feelings on being nu...
Read full storyBritney: I want to lick Judi Dench
Ever since her infamous kiss with Madonna, Britney Spears is said to have longed for another passionate moment with an aged woman. According to her mother, who also recently wrote about her daughter's troubled early years, Britney has developed a...
Read full storySarah Palin: A Vice President Men Can Finally Get Excited About
DISCLAIMER: The following contains a frank discussion of sex and politics. Those who prefer them in separate doses please read no further. (New York-NY) To those of you expecting the usual news parody, sorry. After watching the Vice Presidential debate between Senator Joe "Smooth Fella" Biden and Sarah "Cha-Cha" Palin, I feel compelled to just state my view, no parody intended. Why? I am convin...
Read full storySouth African Consortium Buys Mike Ashley
The consortium of South African businessmen that was reportedly interested in buying the ailing Newcastle United football club, have now elected to buy Magpies' owner Mike Ashley instead. The group, thought to be from Johannesburg, had wanted to p...
Read full storySunderland's Roy 'Keen' To Kick United Heads In
Manchester United take on Sunderland tomorrow in the game of the weekend with the Black Cats' boss Roy Keane 'champing at the bit' to put one over on his old team-mates and their manager...
Read full storySarah Palin Reveals She Was Sexually Abused By a Polar Bear!
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire)-- In a dramatic press conference here on Sunday, Sarah Palin revealed that she was sexually abused by a polar bear as a child in Alaska. With tears streaming down her eyes, the Republican vice presidential nominee described...
Read full storySchool Axes Spelling Tests due Student Distress
Children at the Smegmadale-on-Sea Church of Latter Day Morons Primary School will no longer be presented with a short list of words to learn each week as teachers believe it leaves them distressed and feeling like failures. Teenagers attending Sme...
Read full storyFord Motor Company Fights McCain / Palin Over Maverick Claim
Detroit MI - In a striking turn-around, Ford has reclaimed ownership of the one and only TRUE "Maverick" title and will fight the McCain campaign all the way to the supreme court if necessary to prove it. "Sure, McCain is old, rusty, worn out and...
Read full storyLord Mandelson of HMP Broadmoor assumes seat
London - (Saggy Ass Mess): The fetid love-child of Princess Margaret and Ronald Reagan has been invited to take up his rightful seat in the House of Lords as a cross-bencher on the Real IRA side of the upper house. Peter Mandelson, 69, is a former...
Read full storyMcCain to have a elephantoplasty procedure
Doctors have successfully convinced the Republican Presidential candidate John McCain that he requires a radical elephantoplasty procedure to offset his otherwise aging visage. The operation, in which prominent elephant appendages are surgically...
Read full storyPrince Fielder demands tour of Tastykake factory
The Milwaukee Brewers slugger Prince Fielder says he loves coming to Philadelphia. The Ontario, CA native spends his off-seasons in Philadelphia where he recently purchased a Center City apartment. "It's a city of great food, great snacks and even...
Read full storyBiden to Palin: Put Out or Shut Up
US Vice Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Sarah Palin went at it head to toe last night in their first and last televised debate. The candidates flirted with topics ranging from the economy to the environment, Iraq to Hooters. Tension mounted whe...
Read full storyCounterfeit £1 coin maker found!
It has just been announced that after weeks of careful intelligence gathering, the metropolitan police have found the gangland mastermind who has been producing counterfeit £1 coins. During a dawn raid on 10 Downing Street; armed officers from the...
Read full storyJapan's Banks Crumble
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America, Northern Rock, Bradford & Bingley etc in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announce...
Read full storyBail Out: Socialism For the Rich & Slavery For Us
They say that in a socialist state everyone is equal, but some people are more equal than others and the same seems to be true today as all of us now seem to have been set up to bail out the elite monopolising socialist criminals in Wall Street. I...
Read full storyArgentine Lady, 47, Crowned Miss World
There was a shock result at the world's most prestigious beauty contest in Paris last night, when a stunning 47-year-old mum from Argentina was crowned Miss World. Norma Mansilla, of Mercedes, Buenos Aires, won the contest hands-down despite her a...
Read full storyScottish Crime At Lowest Level Since 1980s
Recorded crime in Scotland has now reached its 'lowest level' for more than 25 years, according to official statistics published today. A report in the Mail In Scotland shows that, whereas crime since 1983 had been committed at a height of nearly...
Read full storyGentleman Joe Biden
They come from a certain time and have a certain age. Call it good manners or mistake it for sexist condescension but there are some men still around who will exercise restraint and forebearance when a woman , even one with whom they are competing, displays ignorance or arrogance, vices that too often seem to gravitate together. In what was billed to be the Thursday Thrilla for the VP Villa,...
Read full storyMcCain Admits: I Only Picked Her To Win!
John McCain who has sometimes shown himself to be an honest John explained that his real motive for picking her was so he could be a winner. McCain begged America to understand. He told them about his hard life in an unaffectionate military home...
Read full storyDebate Doll Sarah Palin Thinks Achilles Heel is Extra Large Trojan!
Apparently all of those 6 subpar schools Sarah Palin tooled through to beg a BA, did not have much of a Classics department or maybe the moose hunting majors were exempt from the Greek mythology requirement. The question about your Achilles heel...
Read full storyJoe Biden Steps Down as Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee and Will Support John McCain Presidency
St. Louis, MO-Democratic Vice President nominee Joe Biden announced today that he would be stepping down as the Vice President nominee for the 2008 presidential election and would become a Republican . "After tonight's debate with Sarah Palin I...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Looking for Straight Man for Comedy Act
London - Famed singer George Michael has come out of the closet and announced to the world that comedy is his true love and talent. "It's true! Every since Wham! I wanted to do standup." "Andrew Ridgely and I could never agree on who would be t...
Read full storyUnlike Clinton, Biden Gets Pass for Saying He Was 'Shot At' in Iraq
We all remember when Hillary Clinton 'misspoke' about her time in Iraq, where she insisted she came under fire and was actually killed, when in reality, she was licked by fluffy kittens. Well, now Joe 'Honest' Biden has come under scrutiny for his ow...
Read full storyMom who took teens to gang fight denies wrongdoing
A mother, who drove her son and his friends to fight a rival gang has denied any wrongdoing. Sarah Palin has also spoken out on the issue. Being a dedicated hockey mom, she regards it as a good old fashioned field trip. "Sure - while I'm dowoo...
Read full storyFrance Calls on $500bn Rescue Fund for Europe
A furious French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, has released a statement demanding that the American taxpayer immediately cease its grossly greedy and unfair practice of only bailing out corrupt American financial institutions, and become world citizens...
Read full storyMoscow super-rich pour millions into luxury homes
The Moscow super-rich are spending millions of roubles on ultra-luxury homes with such features as roofs, glass windows, non-dirt floors, indoor outhouses, indoor stalls for sheep, and electricity and water almost every day. Sewage once a week! S...
Read full storyMIT scientists move closer to 'artificial noses'
A crack team of research scientists at MIT have made a great breakthrough in the world of artificial noses. They designed some artificial noses which could even smell, but something went wrong. They could smell all right - they smelled bad! The sc...
Read full storyLawmakers scramble to revise bailout bill
Lawmakers scrapped the first bailout bill, realizing just in time that it only attempted to bail out SOME financial problems. "In our abject humility and deep-felt respect for the American taxpayer, we almost missed this once in a lifetime golde...
Read full storyDuchess of Cornwall Gender Reassignment Complete!
(Royal Clearance House) An announcement has been made by the press representative for the Duchess of Cornwall confirming that HRH has undergone the last of a series of medical procedures to complete gender reassignment. Camilla, it has been divul...
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