Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 3 October 2008

image for Scottish Crime At Lowest Level Since 1980s
X marks the crime scene

Recorded crime in Scotland has now reached its 'lowest level' for more than 25 years, according to official statistics published today.

A report in the Mail In Scotland shows that, whereas crime since 1983 had been committed at a height of nearly 5 feet 11 inches, due to 'headbutting', these days, with the advent of knife and gun crime, the average Scottish crime height is now 3 feet 4 inches, or 'midriff level'.

What's even more pleasing for the Scottish authorities is that the 'Glasgow Handshake' (the headbutt) is almost a thing of the past, having been consigned to history by kitchen implements which, having a tendency to cause fatalities rather than injuries, are less of a strain on the Accident & Emergency departments of already-under pressure hospitals.

Speaking today, Scottish National Party leader, Alex Salmond, said:

"It's good to know that crime, and especially violent crime, is coming down in Scotland. And we won't be resting on our laurels; we'll continue to work with the authorities to try and bring crime down to even lower levels - possibly as far as the knees."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Crime, Scotland




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
81 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more