Scottish Crime At Lowest Level Since 1980s

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 3 October 2008

image for Scottish Crime At Lowest Level Since 1980s
X marks the crime scene

Recorded crime in Scotland has now reached its 'lowest level' for more than 25 years, according to official statistics published today.

A report in the Mail In Scotland shows that, whereas crime since 1983 had been committed at a height of nearly 5 feet 11 inches, due to 'headbutting', these days, with the advent of knife and gun crime, the average Scottish crime height is now 3 feet 4 inches, or 'midriff level'.

What's even more pleasing for the Scottish authorities is that the 'Glasgow Handshake' (the headbutt) is almost a thing of the past, having been consigned to history by kitchen implements which, having a tendency to cause fatalities rather than injuries, are less of a strain on the Accident & Emergency departments of already-under pressure hospitals.

Speaking today, Scottish National Party leader, Alex Salmond, said:

"It's good to know that crime, and especially violent crime, is coming down in Scotland. And we won't be resting on our laurels; we'll continue to work with the authorities to try and bring crime down to even lower levels - possibly as far as the knees."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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