South African Consortium Buys Mike Ashley

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 3 October 2008

image for South African Consortium Buys Mike Ashley
Fat bastard

The consortium of South African businessmen that was reportedly interested in buying the ailing Newcastle United football club, have now elected to buy Magpies' owner Mike Ashley instead.

The group, thought to be from Johannesburg, had wanted to purchase the Tyneside club for around £300million, but after visiting the area, decided there was more profit in Ashley than in his football club.

The sale went through this morning.

The South Africans have said that the Londoner has many 'potential' uses, and that they will be meeting early next week to discuss these.

Ashley weighs around 450lbs, and could be used as a Circus Tent for the Royal South African Big Top, the most famous travelling circus in South Africa.

A group representing South Africa's farming communities, called for Ashley to be used as winter feed for animals.

Another suggestion, is that he could be 'rendered down', and used as soap.

Other ideas have included installing Mr Ashley in the Johannesburg Movie Picture House, so that films can be shown on his back.

Ashley was said to be pleased with today's developments, and praised the consortium for resolving the difficult situation to everyone's satisfaction.

Kevin Keegan was unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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