Bush: 'Economy will come back'
Trying to bolster consumer confidence, President Bush has just predicted that the economy would come back, stimulating many to wonder: just where did it go? The usual pundits immediately cancelled their massages, wine tasting, and therapy to weigh in and comment: OBAMA: The present administration, which I'm going to replace, has kept the economy, which won't come back until I'm President,...
Read full storyCanada votes to re-elect Conservatives
News flash from the Judge Retort Ottawa bureau: Ok. So, like, in a show of great northern neighborliness, the Canadians have made a beauty offer, eh. No, you should see! Look. They are so magnanimmm, magminomo, magnicartimous,… They are so big-hearted that - this is so beauty, eh! - Canadians are going to re-elect America's conservatives if Obama wins, eh. The Canadians think it's, like,...
Read full story"Brother can you spare a billion?" Fed lends to companies in emergency move
The mad orgy at the nation's federal currency printing press continues as Congress realizes that the more money they give even to companies, the more that comes right back in taxes. A meek voice of descent shouted from the back of the room that pe...
Read full storyQueen Decides to Abdicate
London UK 14:40 Hrs - Buckingham Palace announced today, to the great shock of the nation and Parliamentary Ministers that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2 has announced she is to abdicate. The news came as a shock to all including Prince Charles Th...
Read full storyOver for Madonna and Guy
The world now knows that the highly private eight year marriage of Madonna (60) & Guy Fux (19) was a sham. Guy, a small time film maker and part time postman spilled the beans today following their "amicable" divorce. He commented: "I don...
Read full storyJeremy Vine "The most depressing man in history"
Its official! BBC presenter Jeremy Vine has been declared as the most depressing man in history! His utterly depressing monologues regarding the current global financial crisis via BBC's "Panorama" have seen UK suicide rates rocket! A countrywi...
Read full storyVirgin money introduce free on-line Wanking.
Sir Richard Branston (pickle) was on top form today when he unveiled Virgin groups newest product in an attempt to break into the seedy, competitive and extremely lucrative world of on line pornography. Sir Richard, was led on stage wearing a dog...
Read full storyPostal workers refuse to deliver 'letters and objects' to Ringo Starr's property
In a rare transatlantic and european move. Postal-workers world-wide have refused to deliver mail or and any objects to Ringo Starr's many houses, mansions, castles, council flats, tree-houses, igloos and tee-pees. Pierre Lavroom, Mr Starr's Frenc...
Read full story'Life On Mars 3' Christmas Special To Be Screened At Christmas
It's back! After the absolutely terrible follow-up series, Ashes To Ashes, the most popular British drama since the last one, Life On Mars, is returning for a special two-hour spectacular on Christmas Day. DI Sam Tyler and DCI Gene Hunt team-up on...
Read full storyLiam Connor Dead - Arthur Pewty Questioned
Neasden - Arthur Pewty, alleged hard-man and Neasden mob boss was tonight detained by MI6 officers over the death of Liam in Coronation Street. As he was whisked away handcuffed in an unmarked fire engine by grim faced MI6 agents, Pewty declared:...
Read full storyCocke County Man Lives For April Fool's Day
Harrell Dean Phillips of Casey in Cocke County, Tennessee claims his favorite day of the year is not Christmas, Thanksgiving or even his own birthday, it's April Fool's Day. From declarations like "Your shoe is untied" to a more rabble-rousing "...
Read full storyDiane Abbott's Hairline Receding Fast
There was drama at the BBC TV studios last night, when This Week host Andrew Neil told his regular political pundit guest, Labour MP Diane Abbott, that her hairline was receding faster than that of ex-Tory Michael Portillo. Abbott looked embarrass...
Read full storyChinese Grand Prix Latest: Lewis Hamilton Worried About Smog
Lewis Hamilton, the British Formula 1 racing driver currently leading the race for the drivers' title, has expressed reservations ahead of Sundays Grand Prix here in Shanghai, about the Smog, and his ability to see through it. Smog is a big proble...
Read full storyDarth Vader Given Peerage, Access To House Of Lords
Star Wars villain, Darth Vader, the Sith Lord and father of Mark Hamill, is to receive his peerage next week after years in the political wilderness, and will take his seat in the House of Lords. Vader, real name Anakin Skywalker, is the principal...
Read full storyNaked Miley Cyrus used as easy points-earner by spoof writer
A trend has grown amongst a group of desperate (in every sense of the word) spoof writers in which the nudity of young Hollywood starlet Miley Cyrus is used for gaining fame and fortune. Sentences like "naked nympho Miley Cyrus" and "busty teen ba...
Read full storyNorwich proven to be shit after match fixing probe
Norwich City FC was relieved after being cleared of any wrong doing concerning match fixing. Even though the Norwich goalkeeper made the mother of all clangers. The defence were permanently asleep. The midfield kept giving the ball away. And the...
Read full storyNewspaper Lies!
The leader of a small village here in Peru, who asked that his name not be reported, told a reporter from ABC News this morning that he is sick and tired of periodicals like The National Enquirer, The Sun and others telling lies about his village.
Read full storyObama's Half-Brother Drafted By The Boston Celtics
NAIROBI, Kenya - Barack Obama's younger half brother, Aweemawok Obama has just been drafted by the NBA World Champion Boston Celtics. Aweemawok is 20-years-old and he stands 7 foot 11. He played college basketball at Tarzan Junior College in Nair...
Read full storySarah Palin proclaims: "Saturday Night Live is funny!"
(New York-NY) Showing up for her guest stint on this week's "Saturday Night Live", Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin took time out for an impromptu press conference. One of her answers has both parties claiming it for their own agend...
Read full storyArthur Pewty Snubs Stevie Wonder
As he returned from the shops Neasden hard-man, gangster and organised crime kingpin Arthur Pewty issued the following statement as to why he did not take his glamorous wife Beryl to a Stevie Wonder gig when the megastar recently toured the UK. A tired, and quite frankly slightly drunk looking. 'It all started when my stepdaughter Cara called us to say that Stevie Wonder was appearing at the O2...
Read full storyArthur Pewty - Jimmy Bacon Is Dead Meat
Arthur Pewty reputed godfather of Neasden, criminal kingpin and all round hard bastard has just opened his front door to address the gathered media hordes. We report live as he speaks: 'I keep telling you idiots, including the MI6 blokes in the unmarked surveillance van that I am not a gangster. But I've just been informed about a deeply personal attack on my character by Jimmy Bacon.
Read full storyArthur Pewty-Stepdaughter Speaks Out
A statement released from an undisclosed location, Laura Rebecca Pewty, stepdaughter of Neasden crime kingpin and alleged murderer Arthur Pewty. 'There's no way my stepdad is a gangster. He's just an ordinary bloke who works shifts in a factory. He can be a really decent bloke at times but he has a serious drink problem and needs sympathy rather than MI6 and the media forever on his case. 'H...
Read full storyArthur Pewty Apologises To USA
Arthur Pewty, alleged godfather and organised crime kingpin of Neasden this morning made a dramatic doorstep announcement. 'I went on the lash last night, drinking strong continental lager and absinthe from Barcelona. Sadly, things were said which I later came to regret. I accused citizens of the United States of America of lacking a sense of humour. I am so sorry for this incredibly stupid fau...
Read full storyUS Too Much Up It's Own Arse-Arthur Pewty Alleges
The US is too much up its own arse to smell the coffee, says Arthur Pewty, gangland organised crime kingpin of Neasden, London, UK. The USA has had its day Pewty claimed. We have to look at things with fresh eyes, and the USA doesn't cut the mustard any more, especially on the interweb, where they regularly refer to people as being fucktards etc. Fucktard is not a proper word, and the Ame...
Read full storyBrits Are Funnier Than Americans
Hello American People. I come here to challenge you. I allege that you're not really very funny. You just think you are. In reality you have very little concept of humour. You couldn't initiate a laugh in a farting contest. You're just too insular. Adam Sandler - not funny. Chris Rock - not funny. Eddie Murphy - execrable (see, we speak the language too) George W Bush - frickin h...
Read full storyArthur Pewty Slams Spanish Government
An e-mail traced back to Arthur Pewty by MI6 reveals that Arthur Pewty is unhappy with the Spanish government. Pewty states: 'I bought a bottle of 80 Black Absinthe at the festa de Merce in Barcelona and it says on the bottle, And I quote:Drink in moderation. It's your responsibility. 'This shit is 180 proof and 80% alcohol by volume. 'How the fuck can anyone be responsible when they'r...
Read full storyChevron's Jack 2 oil field uncovers 500+ billion barrels of UFO propulsion fuel
Gulf of Mexico - (Extraterrestrial Mess): Chevron Oil's fabled Jack 2 Gulf of Mexico deep water well has uncovered a massive 500+ billion barrel reserve pool of high grade isotopic UFO propulsion fuel. The find, some 35,000 ft below sea level, is...
Read full storyFBI Investigates ACORN for Voter Fraud
In addition, the FBI is expanding its investigation beyond ACORN and into other nutty American political groups. Here's the FBI's list of top American political nuts: ACORN - Supports Barack Hussein-Obama and has the little-acorn-to-giant-oak thing going. (In response, it should be observed that Mr. Obama, during the final weeks of the election, is wearing higher and higher elevator sho...
Read full storyObama: "I was abducted FROM same UFO mothership as Gen Colon Bowell!"
Chicago, Illinois - (X-Files Mess): Barack Obama's has brushed aside pesky rumors that General Colon Bowell is his birth father and hinted that the two were once abducted from the same alien mothership. "Yeah, the 101st Airborne Division mounted...
Read full storyArthur Pewty's Favourite Bars
Neasden crime boss and international gangster Arthur Pewty, in an attempt to portray himself as a nice guy this morning agreed to list his favourite watering holes in all the world. Here's what he had to say: The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel, London A nice friendly family orientated pub but full of cockneys. The White Horse, Padiham, Burnley, Lancashire I used to drink here a lot, lovely p...
Read full storyJoe the Plumber Writes Tell-All Book
Capitalizing on his recent notoriety from John McCain's public speeches, "Joe the Plumber" will release a book this Christmas detailing his life on the road as a residential plumber. Used as McCain's example of an average blue collar, hard working...
Read full storyGervais would do the Oscars but...
British funny man and 'ad-lib' king Ricky Gervais announced today that if he was to be offered the host's job of presenting The Oscars he'd have to turn it down. 'It's not that I'm crap at my job', Gervais quipped 'It's just that I don't work without...
Read full storyNot Another Silly Acronym
In a leaked memo from NASA it has been revealed that the acronym agency really does make up acronyms to fit words they have already come up with, even when the word does not seem to resemble any aspect of the resulting acronym. The "Medical Inform...
Read full storyDubai Beach Sex Brits Found Guilty
A British man and woman have been sentenced to three months in jail in delightful Dubai after being found guilty of having sex on a sewage-swamped beach. Candida Twatrot, of Rutting Road, Smegmadale East, and Vinny Flatpack, a resident of the town...
Read full storyObama Leads in Polls, Admits Ties to Plumber
Polls continued to swing in favor of Barack Obama when he went on the offensive in the final debate, accusing John McCain of spreading the kinds of "vicious rumors and bigotry" that have led to the imprisonment of innocent people - and chickens.
Read full storyQueen visits Google
Queen Elizabeth II of England, the Commonwealth, Australia and a small island off the coast of Argentina, visited Google's London headquarters yesterday to celebrate the launch of their new browser, Chrome. On the way into Google's Canary Wharf UK...
Read full storyJoe the Plumber Arrested for Crack!
Who hasn't seen the repugnant sight of the beneath the sink behemoth pipe engineer's refusal to say no to crack?! Most of us silently moan and look askance. But since Joe the plumber has become a Repub darling, his Democrat customers have been exhibi...
Read full storyCindy McCain Runs Away with Joe the Plumber
First lady runner up beer baronness and million-heiress, Cindy McCain is rumored to have abandoned her seventy something crank of a husband for the young muscular unlicensed tax cheat , Joe the Plumber. Cindy said that she knew John would underst...
Read full storyPalin Had Her Pipes Cleaned by Joe the Unlicensed, Tax-Scoff Law Plumber
Halfway intelligent viewers of the last debate in John McCain's political life smelt a rat when the Repub candie said Joe the Plumber more than his ubiquitous old saw, my friends. Press investigations have revealed only hours after the debate tha...
Read full storyCNN'S Wolfie Blitzen Revealed to be Quasimodo
TV viewers around the world were in shock today following last night's final televised US Presidential debate. Anchorman and presenter of CNN's The Situation Room, Wolfie "Donner Und" Blitzen, unwittingly presented his profile to camera, thereby reve...
Read full storyCell phone use causes rash
Using your phone for long periods of time may cause a rash to develop on your face and ears, doctors warn. Dermatologists believe the condition is on the rise, and warn that the rash may spread to other parts of the body especially in users who p...
Read full storyJohn McCain's blinked coded message to "Joe the Plumber" decoded: "You is my brain trust!"
Holland, Ohio - John McCain's some three thousand eye blinks during the final presidential nominee debate did not go unnoticed by viewers last night. In fact, mathematicians at MIT claim that he was sending a coded message to "Joe the Plumber" all th...
Read full storyCadbury Gorilla joins Oasis
Manchester supergroup Oasis have parted company with the latest in a long line of drummers. Former Robbie Williams drummer Chris Sharrock has left the band after a disagreement between himself and lead singer Liam Gallagher turned violent over a...
Read full story"Joe the Plumber" Announces Independent Presidential Campaign
Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher announced his independent candidacy for the presidency of the United States today, citing a need to defeat "that socialist [Barack Obama]," a task he feels is not being accomplished by Republican challenger, Senator Joh...
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