A British man and woman have been sentenced to three months in jail in delightful Dubai after being found guilty of having sex on a sewage-swamped beach.
Candida Twatrot, of Rutting Road, Smegmadale East, and Vinny Flatpack, a resident of the town's Sodomy Gardens, were arrested on 5th July at a popular doggying rendezvous on Ras al Slutbag Beach some hours after attending a champagne brunch at Dubai's five-star Les Al Fresco hotel.
Evidence against the cavorting couple was given in court by Sheik Ali bin Wankin, head of Dubai's strict religious police, the nation state's Gestapo-fashioned Killjoy Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention
of Vice, known as the Muttawa,
Sheik bin Wankin informed the court "They were very drunk and making the beast with two backs on a public beach after dark. If he had been enjoying the carnal company of a goat that is acceptable, but he was poking his penis into the sex holes of a foreign white trash infidel sow-dog slapper bitch that was naked too, not even her socks on".
The pair denied charges of public indecency and having unlawful sex, stating it was well after dark and they were situated on an unlit secluded part of the beach.
Mr. Flatpack's statement to the court that a 'spot of mutually-consented outdoor sexual gymnastics was common in British parks after dark and a very healthy pursuit,' elicited a bout of disgusted gavel-bashing from Judge Mohammed al-Plonker.
Speaking with the foreign press prior to the trial, the couple gave their side of the story.
"We meets up at the champers brunch and finds out we was both from East Smegmadale like". Miss Twatrot told reporters. "Anyways, we gets a few bevvies down our necks like an' it's goin' dark, and I'm lookin' down the beach an' sees all the raw sewage gettin' washed ashore and that really turns me on cos I'm right into raunchy scat play an' water sports sessions."
Vinny Flatpack continued, "Yeah, so we gets down on the beach, strips off, an' starts givin' it mobs of foreplay, rollin' round in the shit and the sand. Next thing I'm givin' Candida one rodeo style and this mob of dildos come runnin' down the beach, screamin' an' what' ave yer. They're all dressed up in sheets wiv teatowels on their 'eads an' I thought it woz some kinda Halloween joke thing. Then one sticks 'is foot right in the crease of me arse just as I'm on the vinegar stroke and shouts 'Infidel honky pigs : you are under arrest!"
The pair were at Dubai's Court of the Last Resort to hear the ruling and have been ordered not to leave the Emirate.
Their Rwanda-trained defence lawyer Hassan al-Twatter, had insisted they would be proved innocent and was upset by the court's decision of a custodial sentence.
"We are making an appeal against the verdict. I have 15 days to appeal and find the reason why the judge gave them a three months sentence. Probably because our first bribe was too small".
While the case has turned the spotlight on the decadent and lascivious lifestyles of the 120,000 British residents of the United Arab Emirates, the BBC's Dubai correspondent, Aldous Dorkpuller, says there have been concerns lately that tourists are ignoring the Emirate's strict Islamic laws.
He personally estimates the outcome of this case will be a warning that such drunken and debauched behaviour will not be tolerated in public, unless the perpetrators are Arabs and related to Dubai's Al Maktoum ruling family.
The case has highlighted for Brits at home yet another sound reason not to go working, or take holidays, in overseas dumps with crap legal systems and shithouse laws. Experienced sources claim even a weekend spell in one of Dubai's jails is as much fun as chemotherapy or having one's haemorrhoids cauterised with a cigar.
Dubai's Wahabism state religion, a stricter version of the everyday common or garden Sunni and Cher styles of Islam, subjugates women to the lowly status of animals and also enforces the wearing of a burkha, covering them from head to toe, when in the shower, and further bans them from operating wheelbarrows or flymo strimmers in public.