Obama Leads in Polls, Admits Ties to Plumber

Funny story written by Justin Satire

Friday, 17 October 2008

image for Obama Leads in Polls, Admits Ties to Plumber
A bankrupt José Plumber holds garage sale to raise funds for son's release

Polls continued to swing in favor of Barack Obama when he went on the offensive in the final debate, accusing John McCain of spreading the kinds of "vicious rumors and bigotry" that have led to the imprisonment of innocent people - and chickens.

By the end of the evening, the Democratic candidate had bagged the beige-to-black vote, as well as animal-rights activists, seniors, Jews, immigrants, the recently bankrupt José Plumber, and anybody who is in the least bit worried about the economy.

When McCain pressed his opponent to explain to the "American people" supposed links to terrorists, Obama demanded, "How about Chicken Little? Can you explain to the American people what makes him a terrorist? Huh?"

In response, McCain attempted to swing the focus back to his opponent's "palling around" with the Weather Underground, but Obama was having none of that.

"I'll tell you what makes a little chicken so threatening to people like you," Senator Obama fired back. "He looks different!" McCain appeared shaken as Obama continued, "Let me tell you a story, John."

The captive audience audibly sighed in anticipation of hearing about the kid in Kenya and the grandmother and the dog in Hawaii and the bracelet. But Obama launched instead into the story that everybody has been wanting to hear; the real story of Chicken Little.

Uninterrupted by a visibly flabbergasted mediator, he revealed a complex and sinister twist on the true fate of a small chicken, who fell under suspicion of terrorism when he made the inflammatory remark in public, "The sky is falling!"

"He just kept on saying it and saying it, and wouldn't shut up," explained Obama. "Al Gore was doing the same thing, but what with his being a regular-looking white guy and all, it was hard to brand him as a terrorist."

In a surprise move, the Democratic senator then spilled the beans on the most successful cover-up in history; a twisted tale of intrigue, neatly wrapped up in a fairytale with a not-so-happy ending.

According to Obama, it was a combination of the belief that freedom of speech is the right of everyone, and that anybody can be anything they want to be, "even if their skin is darker or they have feathers", that led to the chicken's demise.

"It's people like him," Obama jabbed a finger over his shoulder at senator McCain. "With his white-blond hair and blue eyes…that want to see the rest of us locked up!"

McCain appeared to be dropping off, and Obama went on to claim that contrary to popular belief, "This small chicken, whose only crime was to look a little different", became the target of an elimination attempt when the botched Operation Foxy-Loxy resulted in the grisly deaths of his closest friends. The subsequent cover-up allowed the unfortunate chicken to be plucked from his fairytale existence and dropped into the depths of anonymity of Guano Bay prison.

"Chicken Little was a victim of profiling. Just like me," insisted Obama. "Someone who had the audacity to speak the truth, at the risk of becoming a target."

If it hadn't been for a ten-year-old prison inmate who was interviewed shortly after the apparent interrogation and torture of a chicken, Obama explained, the fate of Little might never have been known.

"I met this boy," said Obama. "He had been bound and shackled. Stripped of all rights. Thrown into Guano, his only offense - like mine - to have been born with darker skin. This kid comes from a struggling, working-class family. There is no money for this boy's defense. The family plumbing business has been flushed down the toilet, and his father, José, is facing bankruptcy."

Mediator Bob Schieffer turned to McCain to indicate that Obama's time was up, but as the Republican senator was snoring, Obama yanked up his pant leg and jumped right back in.

"See this shackle? I promised José Plumber that I would wear his son's ankle bracelet until he comes home - if he ever does." Obama allowed the leg of his Armani suit to drop. "This young man, whose family is facing astronomical medical bills for his ailing grandmother and foreclosure on their house, had the courage to step forward - as far as he could in his three-foot-square cell - and tell his story."

What the boy witnessed, said Obama, was awful. Prison guards had led a chicken in shortly after midnight. The screeching was terrible. The bird kept screaming that the sky was falling. Nobody could sleep. "When they dragged him out, the chicken was naked. He had been plucked clean! That's what happens when you look different."

"Senator McCain?" prompted the mediator, prodding John McCain across the table with a pencil. The senator seemed somewhat confused.

"Wha…what happened?"

Obama dashed any hopes of a happy ending with a curt response. "I guess we'll never know, John. I'm not a part of the old boy's network. Last thing I heard, they'd changed the name to Guano Bay Resort and were offering fried chicken on the menu."

Bob Schieffer concluded the debate with a coin toss for the candidates' final statements. "Senator McCain goes first." Blinking in the spotlight, McCain rubbed his eyes and appeared to be about to say something, when Senator Obama checked his watch and stood up.

"Well, I guess we're out of time, huh? Thanks for coming, everybody!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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