CNN'S Wolfie Blitzen Revealed to be Quasimodo

Written by Kevin Page

Friday, 17 October 2008

image for CNN'S Wolfie Blitzen Revealed to be Quasimodo
Wolfie in happier times

TV viewers around the world were in shock today following last night's final televised US Presidential debate. Anchorman and presenter of CNN's The Situation Room, Wolfie "Donner Und" Blitzen, unwittingly presented his profile to camera, thereby revealing himself to be a hunchback. Seemingly unaware of his journalistic faux pas (or f***-up as it is known in the media), Wolfie continued in his own inimitable style, constantly interupting speakers in mid-sentence and talking nonesense like "best political team on television" and "perception analyser".

Wolfie, whose real name was thought to be Lassie Comehome, broke down and expressed relief that everything was now out in the open. His secret, not his hump. In an exclusive telephone interview with your correspondent, Wolfie vainly tried to choke back the tears and between sobs he confessed "Yes I admit it. It's true. My real name is not Lassie Comehome but Quasimodo and I am a hunchback, although we in the hump community do prefer the term Spinally Challenged".

Pointing to his hump, he continued "I've covered this up for too long now. I have no one to blame but myself for getting into this mess. I am flat broke. As you can see I can't even afford razor blades. I normally get my suits off the peg and you just squeeze yourself into them, hump and all. But due to my precarious financiqal situation I was forced to get a cheap made to measure job off one of those dodgy Indian Tailors and they measured round the hump. After that I was doomed. It was too late to cancel as I'd already paid a deposit".

Even before the program had ended the CNN switchboard was flooded with two calls. One caller was outraged and demanded Wolfie's immediate dismissal saying "It was bad enough that he was a dwarf and looked like a hobo who rode the freight cars. Now we find out that he is also a hunchback. Whatever next? Personally I suspect that he is also a retard judging by some of the things he says"

The other caller was more sympathetic , saying "It is important that Wolfie should not feel that he is alone at this difficult time. As a dwarf and hunchback he needs the support and understanding of those around him. I would invite him to attend one of our regular group support meetings at SCUM (Spinally Challenged and Unemployable in the Media) where he will find a warm welcome from fellow suffferers. I would also call on CNN to pay him something so that he can buy a razor. That would do wonders for his self esteem".

"Furthermore" the caller added, "is it right that in this day and age the only profession which our members can aspire to is as bell-ringers? A job which eventually leads to deafness. I beg your pardon? I'm sorry you'll have to speak up I can't hear you"

CNN issued a curt "No Comment" to our enquiries, saying that this was a purely internal affair and that it is company policy not to comment on such matters whilst they are being investigated. Meanwhile Wolfie appears to have been placed on indefinite leave and is believed to be in hiding somewhere in the Notre Dame area. Wolfie's wife, Esmerelda, denied any knowledge of his current whereabouts and refused to answer any of our questions about his secret life.

Shares in CNN closed sharply lower today in heavy trading.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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