Obama's Half-Brother Drafted By The Boston Celtics

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 17 October 2008


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Tarzan Junior College Cheerleader Mandisa Macaroni on the TJC Mascot Sea Biscuit (photo courtesy of Hulk Hogan)

NAIROBI, Kenya - Barack Obama's younger half brother, Aweemawok Obama has just been drafted by the NBA World Champion Boston Celtics.

Aweemawok is 20-years-old and he stands 7 foot 11. He played college basketball at Tarzan Junior College in Nairobi, Kenya. While playing for the TJC Fighting Donkeys, Aweem as he is called averaged 94 points per game. His team won the 2008 Kenyan Junior College Collegiate Championship by defeating the three-time defending champion Lake of The Naive Natives Community College Fighting Giraffes.

The championship game went into triple overtime, but the Fighting Donkeys finally pulled it out winning 157 to 30. Aweem scored the winning basket. He had a record setting 29 three-pointers and he led all TJC scoring with 156 points.

Amazingly enough Aweem was not named the finals MVP. That distinction went to LNNCC backup guard Sabuya Keemshack Ditti Ditto who only played for one play and only scored two points. Ditti Ditto is the 43-year-old grandson of Kenyan President Boombaca Vaca Fyrell Kinchopi, Jr.

Aweem told ESPN that he will be joining the Boston Celtics the day after Thanksgiving. He is currently in the process of selling his two-story hut, his spear collection, and his hand-carved life-size ivory statue of Jane (Tarzan's live-in tree house partner). He said that he also has to find a hut (home) for his pet gaboon viper Bobby. Aweem has said that he has already talked to his brother Barack about staying in one of the guest rooms at the White House, at least until he can find an apartment to lease.

The younger Obama cannot vote in the US but he was asked that if he could vote would he cast his vote for his brother. Aweem answered, "Oh, yes, that would be...how you say, a given, since the village where I grew up in if one votes for a woman it is tantamount to putting crazy glue on the lips, tongue, and tonsils of someone's pet python."

When asked if he had a girlfriend Aweem replied, "Yes, I had one. She was very good-looking and astoundingly well-endowed. Her name was Iki, which is Ugandan for soft nubile virgin with the sweetest smile this side of the Tigress who possesses the smoothest thighs that side of the Tigress.

Iki was a member of the Rappa Rappa tribe. I loved her so much, but one day during The Season of The Poaching of The Ostrich Eggs Festival of Gaiety she went to get me a cotton candy and a Diet Pepsi. When she didn't return I went looking for her and I found out that she had run off with a white Norwegian poacher just because he had a Visa credit card and owned four KFC franchises."

Aweem looked out the window and said, "I still miss Iki so much and it's not just because she had size 38-DDD boobs, or because she could be Halle Berry's twin...no gosh darn, it was so much more than that. It was because the bitch, and I use that term affectionately, knew over 80 different ways to prepare lion including Dry-Roasted Lion, Lion Kabob, Lion Tamales, Stir-Fried Lion, Lion Cordon Bleu, and my favorite Lion Paw Pizza."

"Going to American has always been a dream of mine," Aweem stated. "I can hardly wait to go to McDonald's and order some Chicken McNuggets." When told that they have McDonalds in Kenya, Aweem replied, "Oh I know that, but the McDonald's in Kenya do not serve Chicken McNuggets because over here the lions and the tigers have eaten up all the chickens." Aweem said "I have tried the Elephant McNuggets, but trust me bro those things tasted horrible...they were too salty, too damn hard, and extremely hairy."

Aweem asked Celtics Coach Doc Rivers if he could have number 34 as his uniform number. Rivers said that the number 34 already belonged to the team's star Paul Pierce. Rivers asked him about the significance of that particular number. Aweem smiled and said, "That number is very dear to me since it is the number of lions that I have killed ever since I was eight-months-old." Doc smiled and said, "No problem, I'll talk to Paul and we'll get him another number."

In related news, Aweem's ex-girlfriend Iki recently emailed Barack Obama and asked him that if when he gets elected president if he could appoint her to be the US ambassador to Norway. Barack reportedly told an aide, "Now let me just say this and I want to make it fundamentally clear that if that Iki chick ever sets foot on American soil, the only thing I will appoint that whore to is an 8 by 10 foot jail cell up in Attica State Prison."

(BHT added to preserve freshness)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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