Trojan, a favorite play in the sexual health sector, reported reduced earnings in the first quarter of 2008 after condom sales shrank. CEO Candy Striper blamed the youth market, saying that young women today don't put out like they used to.
"In my day, we did everything our men wanted. Now these girls are either doing nothing, or they're just blowing the guys. It's a disgrace." Striper said the company is working on an educational campaign to teach girls that it's not only okay to have sex with young men, it's good for the economy.
"With a recession looming, we need to give men something to look forward to," CFO Bigg Hogg said. Echoing long ago remarks from the head of General Motors, Striper urged kids to remember that, "what's good for Trojan is good for America."
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is reportedly working with Trojan on a plan to assist the company through this difficult time. The Fed will promote intercourse in its publications, which is expected to increase sexual activity in economics departments around the country. Unfortunately, even doubling that will not amount to much because they will be starting from such a low level. Even if the plan is extended to Accounting, it may not make much difference.
President Bush has yet to weigh in, while presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain say they're studying the issue. Hillary Clinton has taken the lead, endorsing Trojan condoms and saying that she makes Bill wear them all the time, even when she's not around.
Striper and Hogg have tried to sign up the former president as a sponsor, but they have so far been unable to reach an agreement.