Police Use Radar Eyes For Speeding Tickets

Funny story written by Warren Redlich

Monday, 14 April 2008

image for Police Use Radar Eyes For Speeding Tickets
Radar Eyes see through mesh

Police in New York have adopted a new technology for catching speeders - radar eyes. Citing past problems with external radar and laser devices, Superintendent Harry Corbett of the State Police said that the implantable radar eyes will be far superior.

New York Troopers have a long history of using cutting edge technology for speed enforcement. George Fletcher Chandler was the first Superintendent, and back in 1920 he directed the first use of pedometers for pacing. Troopers would run behind vehicles while pushing (or pulling) a wheel on a pole. A series of cables and pulleys would drive a meter measuring the distance covered, and the Trooper would check his watch to see how far he'd run in 60 seconds. Since vehicles in the 1920s didn't go all that fast, and there were no actual speed limits, it led to relatively few tickets.

After World War II, Superintendent John Gaffney started pushing for the use of radar for monitoring vehicle speeds. While he was unable to implement the idea due to the expense, the Army did loan him the use of airplanes to better enable traffic policing. Gaffney was proud of the low ratio of air deaths to tickets written.

Radar finally became practical in the 1970s, and the New York State Troopers were in the forefront. Then lasers became prominent in the 1990s and LIDAR became another tool in their arsenal.

In 2003, the police started having trouble in the courts with these technologies. Some local judges actually started applying constitutional and evidentiary principles, throwing out radar and laser evidence as unreliable.

Corbett says the radar eyes take technology to a new level. The eyes are self-calibrating, and use an special version of Windows that crashes only a couple times a week. Additionally, new Governor David Paterson signed a new law declaring that the radar eyes are admissible in court, even when they don't work.

Some Troopers have reported side effects from having the radar eyes implanted, such as sleeplessness, the ability to see through clothing, and prolonged erections. A lawyer for the Trooper's PBA was preparing a grievance to stop the eyes, but he mysteriously disappeared.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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