Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas and Kris Kringle, will now be forced to use his birth name of Claus von Midgetporn, the owner and manager of Claus' House of Merriment, an adult novelties store in Avenel, New Jersey. This is all thanks to a man that authorities have been referring to as "Herbie," in hopes of keeping his identity secret.
Herbie had been an employee of Claus' for many years, but ultimately became troubled with what he now refers to as "elf exploitation," and decided to alert the police.
In an official press release this morning, Herbie was quoted as saying, "I've seen some good elves, with lots of toy-making potential, forced to do some very naughty things." In a press conference later in the afternoon, a tearful Herbie added, "Toy trains do not belong in certain tunnels."
Mrs. Claus, or Greta von Midgetporn, declined to comment on the matter, although rumors are already surfacing about a possible link between herself and the notorious drug cartel known only as the "Snow business."
