Hilton on suicide watch as Sauer says "Get your ass back to jail"
Lynwood, California - (Ass Mess): Paris Hilton is back behind bars tonight after no amount of pleading, cajoling or stamping her itty pritty little foot at Superior Court Judge Michael T Sauer and the sheer unfairness of it all managed to get her off...
Read full storyJudge Sets Execution Date for Paris Hilton
Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer was not amused with all the gyrations going on with the Paris Hilton incarceration and subsequent early release granted by Sheriff Lee Bacca. In fact he was really pissed. The judge said the sheriffs department h...
Read full storyBush to Star in "Independence Day 2"
HOLLYWOOD (AP Newsliar) -- George W. Bush has been cast in a lead role in "Independence Day 2: Mission Accomplished", the sequel to the 1996 blockbuster by 20th Century Fox.
Read full storyTimmy's Birthday Bash- Strange Goings on
Young Timmy Bulstrode won't forget his 7th birthday in a hurry, for no sooner had he blown out the candles on his cake, than he was set upon by a lynch-mob, taken to the village ducking stool and almost drowned for being a warlock.
Read full storyBritney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, Feircely Jealous Over Paris Hilton Coverage.
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are fuming mad over all the press and worldwide media attention Paris Hilton's court appearances and subsequent incarceration have garnered.
Read full storyWile E Coyote pardoned by governor, struck by anvil
Albuquerque, New Mexico - After serving three days of a ten-year sentence for attempted murder against the Roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote was released from prison on Friday.
Read full storyBush Reveals Re-labelification Plan
Pentagon officials announced the latest weapon in the war on terror after fears it would be leaked soon anyway. "Re-labelification" is the process of re-labeling possible terrorist targets in the hopes of confusing the enemy enough to pre...
Read full storyLetterman Unamused by Bush
David Letterman spoke out today concerning George Bush's low ratings. "I let him take over the show and this is what happens. I always said we were a disgrace to the entertainment industry, but this is ridiculous." However the ratin...
Read full storyBush Pardons Paris Hilton
After pressure from many Republicans to pardon Scooter Libby, President Bush has settled on Paris Hilton instead.
Read full storyBasset to Eat Corgi Eater?
Bobbi Basset has plans for his future as an artist. He claims to have the body of corgi eater Mark McGown in a small freezer aboard his private yacht. Bobbi has set sail and plans to create his own art by eating the artist, vomiting him up and eati...
Read full storyMoon Crashes into New Mexico Mountain
After years of drawing in a string of UFO enthusiasts New Mexico now has something new to see; the moon. Scientists can only speculate why the moon fell from orbit late last Saturday. "We now have both a UFO and an IFO (Identified Falling Objec...
Read full storyJudge Sauer to throw Hilton into Lynwood psychiatric wing
California - (Ass Mess): Judge Michael Sauer is poised to throw Paris Hilton into the psychiatric wing of Lynwood jail after a spectacular bravura performance got her off a 23 day custodial sentence on the spurious medical grounds that a staphylococc...
Read full storyCBS Resurrects Jericho While ABC Cancels Lost
After being bombarded by nuts, CBS executives scurried back and dug up the undead corpse of Jericho for another season. The dead have returned a few times before in the forms of Cagney and Lacey and Designing Women. Still haunting the dreams of m…
Read full storyWolfowitz's Deathstar falls behind schedule due to labor dispute
Somewhere Orbiting Earth - The completion of Paul Wolfowitz's Deathstar has now shifted six weeks to the right -- far behind schedule -- due to a dispute between competing longshoremen's unions. The heated dispute between the International L...
Read full storyBig Brother Brings In George Galloway As Mediator
George Galloway, the ex-Celebrity Big Brother housemate, is set to make a return to the house tonight in the role of 'mediator' as the competition really gets under way.
Read full storyParis Finds Jesus - Gets Rash - Sent Home
Beverly Hills_ (Some guy) "I was just looking for the re-creation bathroom. I must have jerked open a closet door and said 'Jesus' - 'YES', a voice answered. It was a white haired man holding a mop or staff in his hands with a f...
Read full storyMexican Immigrant Named Bill Dies in Senate
Bill Jimenez, an illegal émigré from Mexico, whose lone dream was to tour the halls of Congress, rode his donkey across the boarder and all the way to the Capitol Thursday, only to have the donkey stall in the Senate; and then the man who came to be...
Read full storyWhite House to be Outsourced to India
Washington, DC - President Bush today announced that the White House will be outsourced to Chennai, India. "All jobs within the White House, except the President and Vice President, will move to India" announced Bush today. President Bush...
Read full storyBritons think bacon comes from humans
It emerged on Friday that over 53% of Britons (53.01% to be exact) believe that the contents of their morning fry-up, except the fried bread, come from recently deceased human beings.
Read full storyChimpanzee Unemployment, Homelessness On The Rise
BEAVERTON, OREGON (AP Newsliar) -- Unemployment and homelessness is on the rise among the nation's chimpanzee population, amid a decline in the use of primates for animal research.
Read full storyGeorge Michael, DUI, Avoids Prison, Gets 100 Hours Toilet Cleaning Instead
London UK: Singer George Michael, by his own admission "a 43 year old gay man", narrowly escaped a custodial sentence for DUI at a London court today.
Read full storyWheelchair Lout Finally Trapped By Quick-Thinking Trucker
A disabled man who has been the scourge of police forces in North America for more than two years, has finally been caught, thanks to eagle-eyed pedestrians and a quick-thinking truck driver. Ben Carpenter taunted police across ten States with his...
Read full storyLord Coe to Ban People with Pubic Hair From Watching Olympics!
HACKNEY, LONDON - 08/06/07. Lord Coe today continued to anger sports fans by calling for anyone under the age of 11 to be banned from watching any olympic event.
Read full storyEpidemic Breaks Out in Prisons After Paris Hilton's Release
Los Angeles, CA: Following the release from prison of socialite Paris Hilton after just 3 days of her 23 day sentence, news is beginning to leak out of an epidemic of crying and mass hysteria that is sweeping the nation's prisons.
Read full storyWorld of Warcraft Player Loses Virginity - In Real World!
FALMOUTH, MA - 08/06/07. Players of Blizzard's popular online game, "World of Warcraft" were today reeling from the news that one of their brethren had lost their virginity - in the real world.
Read full storyEmily Parr was C4 Big Brother Stooge
Following the spectacle that was Celebrity Big Brother, sparked by racist Jade Goody, Channel 4 lost its lucrative sponsorship deal with the Carphone Whorehouse. C4 was also forced to make no money from the voting and given a stern slap on the wrist...
Read full storyCold War II Set To Hit Cinemas
Film buffs are chomping at the bit after it was announced this week that the US and Russia were in negotiations to start Cold War II, a sequel to the original blockbuster, Cold War. Wacky stand-up comedian George W Bush and versatil...
Read full storyParis Hilton violated…
…the terms of her probation and is to return to court today to face the judge who sentenced her to a 43-day jail sentence, of which she only served three days due to being a delicate little flower, albeit one who knows how to adminis...
Read full storySarkozy auctions Louvre Pyramid - Hungary wins!
PARIS (Le Canard enchaîné) - French President Nicolas Sarkozy (Sarko) has auctioned off the Louvre Pyramid to the highest bidder, the Republic of Hungary.
Read full storyTell-All 3-way cell phone call reveals all: Paris Hilton's illness, reason for early release
Hollywood, California - The following is a transcript of a 3-way cellular telephone conversation that took place between Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan from 13:00 hours on June 6, to 23:00 hours on June 7, 2007.
Read full storyParis Prison Gift Registrar
Paris has requested that you forward the following to her with all your love.. _Gai Gai Karraokee PHPA...
Read full storyGeorge W Bush has frogs legs! And a tummy ache.
President Bush was taken ill at the G8 piss-up in Hergunshmergundam this morning and had to skip a morning working session and even declined his usual breakfast of sausage, eggs, bacon, hash browns, cocaine, baked be...
Read full storyMetallica embarks on literature workshop tour
Miami, Florida - In response to a comment by Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Brave Darry of the Miami Herald, Metallica has joined up with other metal bands to start a world literary workshop tour that kicks off this weekend.
Read full storyRon Paul Opposes Republican Nuclear War Lunatics
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Ron Paul was the only one of ten Republican presidential candidates for president to oppose a US attack on Iran using nuclear weapons in the latest TV debate in New Hampshire.
Read full storyRenault defies odds - bets on success of Carnot Engine
Geneva, Switzerland (Reuterus) - Using some of the brightest minds from the scientific community already at work on the Large Hadron Collider, car manufacturer Renault has set out to mass-produce the 'Holy Grail' of efficiency -- the Carnot E...
Read full storyParis Hilton Has Wrong Size Electronic Tag
Paris Hilton, released from jail yesterday on the orders of a doctor, will today return to custody so that she can receive a proper fitting for her new bracelet.
Read full storyLottery Winners Outraged At Paris Hilton's Preferential Treatment
Hollywood, CA - With at least eighteen days to go on what should have been a minimum twenty-three day stay at a court ordered Non-Hilton Hotel & Resort, 'billionaire heiress' Paris Hilton was allowed to leave her jail cell and go hom...
Read full storyParis Hilton Headed Back to Jail?
Los Angeles, California - Released after serving just 3 days of her 23-day sentence in the Century Regional Detention Facility for women, Paris Hilton was fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet, only to discover she maybe headed back to jail; pendi...
Read full storyWar on Drugs Ends: Drug Supply Runs Out
The War on Drugs has ended due to a lack of supply, according to a report from DBS News.
Read full storyParis Hilton in Girls Gone Wild - the Prison Edition
Joe Francis, the brains behind the Girls Gone Wild series, has been incarcerated for the past few weeks for income tax evasion. Joe, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth has been making the rounds of female prison facilities filming Girls Gone...
Read full storyJohn McCain busts Paris' balls
Washington - In a speech triumphed by many Vietnam veterans, Sen. John McCain (R) described the recent events surrounding celebrity Paris Hilton as a "travesty."...
Read full storyThe Simple Life, to be Filmed in Court and Jail
The Simple Life, Season 5, starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie is going to be a bit unorthodox next year. The series, usually set to uncomfortable situations for Paris and Nicole is really going to be even more uncomfortable this round. Set in...
Read full storyGlobal Warming Tied To Untreated Schizophrenia
In a connection heretofore overlooked by the world's top scientists, an article published in _Science_ today makes the case for a very strong correlation between people with schizophrenia who do not take anti-psychotics and the melting of the po...
Read full storyCheney Honored by NRA
Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney has been presented the "Guardian of the Second Amendment" award by the National Rifle Association (NRA).
Read full storyPolitical Career Excellent Choice For The Stupid
With the strains of Pomp and Circumstance still playing in their ears, many recent graduates are pondering career choices. Pyotr Petrovich, Professor of Political Science at Benedict Arnold University, says that many graduates overlook an obvious ch...
Read full storyPresidential Candidates to Compete for Masterdebator Title
This Saturday evening, broadcast on national television from New York City's Madison Square Garden, presidential candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, and Barack Obama, will vie for the title of Masterdebator...
Read full storyNicole Richie's Court Case in Peril Over Paris Hilton Debacle
Any celebrities or public personalities with cases pending against them better plan on packing their bags for incarceration in response to Paris Hilton's early release. Speculation is, prosecutors will be over compensating their cases, loaded fo...
Read full storyColumbia Signs Rap Group The Johnson 5
(MUSICMAN PRESS) In a surprising move, recording giant Columbia signed a hefty contract with rap group The Johnson 5 from Kingston, Jamaica.
Read full storyGroup Protests Paris Hilton's Early Release
A group of concerned citizens, calling themselves, "Equal is Equal," is rallying a protest against the release of heiress Paris Hilton. The group is concerned over the rich and privileged being given preferential treatment in our legal sys...
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