Tell-All 3-way cell phone call reveals all: Paris Hilton's illness, reason for early release

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 8 June 2007

image for Tell-All 3-way cell phone call reveals all: Paris Hilton's illness, reason for early release
Photo: Cell Tower that picked up the Paris 3-way call

Hollywood, California - The following is a transcript of a 3-way cellular telephone conversation that took place between Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan from 13:00 hours on June 6, to 23:00 hours on June 7, 2007.

It is believed to be an accurate depiction and account as to the reason Hilton was released from prison so early and an actual description of the medical excuse authorities refused to release to the media.

Certain words and/or phrases have been censored due to their adult language and/or content, however, be advised you may still be offended despite the precautionary measures our editors have taken to both safeguard our readership from material you may find offensive and still exercise the right of a free press.

HILTON: Oh, my God! I can't believe it; the whole gang is back together again. Oh, well most of it, anyways [an apparent reference to Britney Spears] I'm under house arrest. Lindsay, you're in rehab, again and Nicole your in New York, right?

RICHIE: Actually, I'm calling you from my flight somewhere over that middle stuff between what really matters in America [Los Angeles and New York]. I just did Lettermen. I mean I didn't actually do him -

HILTON: Don't be gross. We would never think you meant that.

LOHAN: Yeah, he's too old. It would be like dry humping a dinosaur fossil in a museum in the middle of the day while being high on [CENSORED], [CENSORED] or [CENSORED].


LOHAN: Never mind.

RICHIE: Oh, my God, Paris. You're so brave.

HILTON: Yeah, I know.

RICHIE: Lindsay. Is Paris brave or what?

LOHAN: Oh my God, Yes! Yes! Yes!

NICOLE: So tell us what's wrong with you? Why did they let you out so early?

LOHAN: Yeah, did you get into a gangbang fight with some Mexicans? Or were they Black rappers?

HILTON: No. No. You guys. It was nothing like that.

NICOLE: Then what was -

LOHAN: Yeah, you can tell us. We're your best friends in the whole world.

HILTON: Well, you know how much I love Tinker Bell [her Chihuahua]…

RICHIE: Yeah, -

LOHAN: We're listening.

HILTON: You guys know I just can't go with out her for a single day.

RICHIE: Yeah, -

LOHAN: Go on.

RICHIE: Lindsay! Stop cutting me off, damn it!

LOHAN: Sorry.

HILTON: And you guys know how I arranged it not to have undergo a body cavity search, right?


LOHAN: Ah, yeah.


RICHIE: Oh, my God. You didn't. Please say you didn't.

LOHAN: What? What? I don't get it. What did you do, Paris?

RICHIE: You don't get it, Lindsay!? You know your snorting too much of that [CENSORED] for your own good. You do know that, right. It's turning your brains into [CENSORED].

HILTON: You guys! Stop it! Remember this is about me.

NICOLE: You're right, Paris. I'm sorry.

LOHAN: Yeah, me too. Wait. What were we talking about again?

NICOLE: Paris had to stuff poor little Tinker Bell up her [CENSORED].

HILTON: No way! Don't be gross. Id' never do that to Tinker Bell.

RICHIE: Oh, thank God.

HILTON: I stuffed Tinker Bell down my bra and told everybody I just had implants done.

RICHIE: So that's how you got out of jail so early.

HILTON: Not exactly, I -

LOHAN: Hold on guys. I got to use the bathroom again.

RICHIE/HILTON: Yeah, right!

RICHIE: So go on Paris.

HILTON: I was eating lunch in the prison cafeteria - I don't even know why they call it that. You know because they didn't even have any double mocha cappuccinos -

RICHIE: Paris!

HILTON: Sorry. It's just that place is such a dump and the food is totally not hot. Literally, they serve it cold.

RICHIE: I'm going to hang-up.

HILTON: You know, Nicole, you can be such a bitch sometimes.

RICHIE: I know. So, go on. Okay?

HILTON: Okay. Do you remember that movie we use to laugh at when we were kids, the one that played on the Sci-Fi channel all the time.

RICHIE: Forbidden Planet?

HILTON: No not that one, that's a cool one. Hey, do you still remember Robbie the Robot's stand down security password?

RICHIE: Ah, umm, Archimedes!

HILTON: Yeah! Anyways, it was a scene not out of that movie but Aliens.

RICHIE: Which one?

HILTON: Does it really matter, Nicole?

RICHIE: I guess not. Go on.

HILTON: Well, I got Tinker Bell in my bra, right? And she starts to smell the food and moving around in my chest.

RICHIE: Oh, my God. What did you do?

HILTON: Wait. Wait. Let me tell you some more. So I start clutching my chest rolling around on the top of my table and Tinker Bell is still moving around under my shirt, while I start screaming at the top of my lungs, 'It's the Alien monster from Aliens!. It's inside of me and it's trying to get out. Run for your lives!'

RICHIE: That worked?

HILTON: What do you expect ninety-percent of those people in there don't understand a word of English. They all speak Mexican or something. All they heard was Alien. They probably thought I was saying something about illegal aliens and ran away.

RICHIE: I don't get it. That still doesn't explain how you got out early.

HILTON: Oh, that. I almost forgot. Well, because I was flipping and tossing myself on the table so much I bruised my elbow -

RICHIE: Was Tinker Bell okay?

HILTON: Oh, yeah. I made sure I rolled on my back.


HILTON: So then the prison guards come in and take me to the nurse's office and I told her I was pregnant.

RICHIE: What? And she believed you?

HILTON: Yeah. I wasn't talking about me but Tinker Bell. She examined her right on the spot and confirmed; I'm going to have puppies. Tinker Bell. You're a hot bitch! You know that.

RICHIE: Oh, can I have one?

LOHAN: Have one of what?

HILTON/RICHIE: Oh, Lindsay. What are we going to do with you?

The telephone transcript goes on for several more hours but for the sake of mercy we will not subject our readers to any further abuse.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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