Blanket Ban leaves Eidur Down
FURIOUS Barcelona benchwarmer Eidur Gudjohnsen last night slapped in a transfer request after boss Frank Rijkaard sensationally banned his substitutes from keeping their legs warm with a blanket.
Read full storyInventor Of The Box Dies Broke & Lonely
LONDON (Defecated News) - North London has been mourning the loss of Hans Bokz (109), German born inventor who took Harrow to be his home after The War. Hans had shot to fame in the swinging sixties after inventing the box. Prior to...
Read full storyStudy: Children crave McDonalds
A recent study was conducted to discover the impact the fast food chain McDonalds has on children. The results were surprising.
Read full storyFlying monkey stowaway aboard plane bound for New York; suspected to have Eco-Terrorist ties
New York, New York - According to authorities, a man vacationing in Lima, Peru, was abducted, drugged and taken hostage by a pygmy marmoset monkey just before boarding a plane bound for New York City today. The pygmy marmoset monkey alluded TSA airpo...
Read full storyAnother abandoned Putin sub explodes in Indian Ocean
Jakarta, Indonesia - (Rioters): Seismologists have been ordered to blame an earthquake for the 7.5 magnitude tremor that rocked Indonesia's main island of Java today at an epicenter somewhere in the Indian Ocean at a depth of 289 kilometers.
Read full storyRepublican Campaign Strategy Includes Scratch and Sniff Ad
Austin, Texas (IP) - The Republican Party has developed a one-two punch designed to insure Obama's defeat in the upcoming presidential election. The first punch involves drawing Obama in as the Democrat's candidate by pouring money into his...
Read full storyRoseanne Barr sex tape goes missing
The man who found the Roseanne Barr sex tape has offered a reward to anyone that can fire the tape at the sun and remove the memories from his mind.
Read full storyBelgians Booted Sprout
BELGIUM was last night booted off the UN's Security Council amid claims that its delegates were 'roustabouts' who treated the powerful organisation like a 'gentleman's club'.
Read full storyChrista McAuliffe's backup hopes Virgin Intergalactic not in charge of Endeavour launch
Cape Canaveral, Florida - (Ass Mess): The astronut who was Christa McAuliffe's back-up twenty years ago in the tragic Challenger space shuttle disaster has said she is thrilled to be going up in Wednesday night's launch of the En...
Read full storyObama Campaign Coffers Swell With Conservative Donations
Austin, Texas (IP) - Barack Obama's campaign donations are growing at a record pace and the bulk of the money is being donated by a surprising source. The money is pouring in thanks to massive donations originating from conservative sources.
Read full storyDate to be announced for Spoof Veterans' Day
Cyberspace - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The world of cyberparody is eagerly awaiting the announcement of a new International Spoof Veterans' Day which will commemorate the merciless art of lampoonery. A source close to leading satire website The...
Read full storyInjured Chelsea Captain Dreads 'Bracist' Comments
LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- Injured Chelsea captain John Terry said yesterday he is "dreading" his return to fitness this season because of bracist fans.
Read full storyChannel 4 'misrepresented' Muslim preachers
West Midlands Police, anxious to build fences with the Muslim community following arrests of terrorist suspects, have accused Channel 4 of deceitful editing techniques in a recent documentary about Muslim fundamentalism in the area's mosques.
Read full storyThe Monkey's Tail
A man questioned by police at LaGuardia airport in New York after smuggling a monkey onto a flight from Florida by hiding it under his hat, said the monkey made him do it.
Read full storyParis Hilton, Britney Spears, New Stewardess on Virgin American Airlines
Ruetours Press - Virgin American Airlines is hiring psuedo celebrities to serve as crew members on their maiden "virgin" flights between New York and Los Angelos.
Read full storyHam Radio Transmissions Attract Meteors
Hamsterdam, Pennsylvannia (IP) - Government officials in cities and especially rural areas throughout America are urging people who plan to be outside during this month's Perseid meteor shower to purchase meteorite protection umbrellas. More me...
Read full storyPerseid Meteor Sower Will Cause Great Damage
Mount Palomar, California (IP) - The Perseid meteor shower will occur this year and will peak between August the 10th and the 13th. It promises to be a better show than usual because the Moon is in its new phase on those days. The center of the rad...
Read full storyTevez and the Klingons agree Release
Carlos Tevez "Football Slave" is finally going to have his registration released...but our sources can reveal that it wasn't a negotiation between "DODGY MSI" and serial
Read full storyGlobal Warming Will End This Week
Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Global warming will end abruptly this week as Earth will once again leave its orbit and will wander through the solar system. This event happens on a regular basis every 30,000 years and is responsible for the recurr...
Read full storyPassenger 'hid monkey in his trousers'
La Guardia Airport - (Rioters): NY cops have arrested a man who nearly suffocated a marmoset monkey by stuffing it inside his trousers during a flight fromFlorida.
Read full storyChasing One's Own Tail
Although millions of people do not play baseball or engage in politics, they do enjoy watching these two exciting games.
Read full storyHas Kate become a heroin addict like Diana?
London - (Ass Mess): It's an old, old story typical of the times: a love affair between a Puppet Monarchy prince and a desperately wannabe somebody commoner addicted to self-publicity, free dosh and heroin.
Read full storyFirst Easyjet, then EasyCar, now EasyBlowJobs.
LONDON (Defecated Press) - The master if all things orange and cheap, Stelios Haji Ioannou has revealed his new venture - Cheap and convenient oral sex.
Read full storyWorld To End On Monday
(Las Vegas) - According to well known Las Vegas odds maker, Ivantu Gamble, the world will end on Monday.
Read full storyHouse of Commons Files Law Suit Against Spain
The United States Supreme Court has been asked to mediate a case that is promising to be the trial of the century; the U.K. vs. Spain. In a pelican brief submitted by former Prime Minister Tony Blair, allegations are made that, "The running of...
Read full storyLily Allen Gets Boot From US
Lily Allen, the 'pop star' of questionable parentage, has fallen foul of the strict US immigration rules, and has been told that she is no longer welcome in the country.
Read full storyQueens Head To Be Replaced With Qu'ran Text
LONDON (Defecated Press) - In a shock announcement, Royal Mint confirmed that the queen's head will be removed, from coins. In a gesture made to improve interfaith relations, text from the Qu'ran will be used instead.
Read full storyWhat A Wonderful Woild
Big Geno's Chop House on Bourbon Street New Orleans looks set to become a Mecca to Jazz fans from around the world.
Read full storyGordon Brown "All farmers must pass strict hygiene rules". 'No more intimacy with sheep' sanctions.
Gordon Brown, former Girl Guide, passed strict rules today in a bid to stop sheep shagging Farmers from defiling innocent Bovines and Ovus and thus end their suffering.
Read full storyNoshing Mink Receives Deserved Booker Prize Nomination
This year's Booker Prize for outstanding literary prowess, added to its list of nominees the noted parodist and satire scribbler Noshing Mink yesterday, realising the writer's lifetime ambition of be...
Read full storyBlair & Clinton "Enjoyed Intense Love Affair"
LONDON (Defecated News) - Both were strong charismatic and popular centre-left leaders. They both liked whisky, crosswords and paleontology. In his upcoming memoirs, however, Tony Blair spills the beans on the passionate love affair he had with Bill...
Read full storySevere outbreak of peace in Korea!
Leaders from North and South Korea are to hold their second-ever summit, officials have announced.
Read full storyOh boy! I've killed millions
WASHED-UP actor Scott Bakula last night handed himself in after claiming he was responsible for the deaths of over 100 million people.
Read full storyPrescott In New Casino Scandal
LONDON (Defecated News) - John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister and ex-Heavyweight boxing champ was linked today to a new scandal involving casinos.
Read full storyRon Paul wins 2008 Presidential Election
A time traveler from 2008 has video evidence that Ron Paul will become the next president when America goes to the polls in 2008.
Read full storyHey You Schmucks! Bugsy Malone Is Back
Top psychic and only the supernaturalist whose name rhymes with a tasty Indian snack, Derek Acorah, is today at the centre of a new sensation.
Read full storyGovernment to ban women drivers
In its first sensible policy for years, the Government has announced that it will ban women drivers from our roads. Since just under half of all road traffic accidents are caused by women, this policy is expected to save thousands of...
Read full storyAl Gore - Fat Americans Are Killing This Planet
NEW YOIK (Defecated News) - Former 'nearly president but not quite' Al Gore launched a new objective yesterday in Manhattan. The 'Kill The Fat, Save The World' Campaign was launched after overpaid researchers found that fat people are...
Read full storyChina Sends Terracotta Army To Invade Britain
The Chinese government, unhappy with the way their country has been labelled 'developing' and 'polluted', has declared war on Great Britain, and has...
Read full storyBinge Drinkers Like Beer - Research Says
In an amazing feat of researching genius, the CDC figured out this morning that adult binge drinkers like beer. Although the news may come as a shock to many, the CDC assures the public that the study is in fact true.
Read full storyTerminally-ill Chimp Asks Make-A-Wish for Opposable Thumbs
Apples, a highly intelligent, sign-language-using chimpanzee at Washington's Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute (CHCI), was diagnosed last month with an aggressive form of bone cancer that gives her, at most, nine months to live. The...
Read full storyControversial U.S Pastor Fred Phelps enrages Irish farmers, Prisoners and Confectionary employees
Outspoken Gay Icon U.S Pastor Fred Phelps has incurred the wrath of Ireland's farmers, Chocolate makers and prisoners after posting on his website "Godhatesireland" some rather strange comments about "Filthy Celtic Fudge Packer&quo...
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