Harry Maguire To Bat At Number 11, If Needed
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender who cost the Red Devils £80million when he made a summer switch from Leicester City, has said he will switch sports completely this afternoon, and bat as last man for the England cricket team, in...
Read full story2020 Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris Starts Free Catering Service
In the first of the Democratic debates, Senator and 2020 Presidential hopeful Kamala Harris reminded the Democrats on stage that "Americans don't want to see a food fight; they want us to put food on their table!" (Note that the semicolon was not in...
Read full storyMap of Hurricane Dorian Shows Trump Abuse of Power
WASHINGTON DC - Democrats are certain that they now have the evidence to impeach President Trump, because of the NOAA weather map of Hurricane Dorian from August 29th. Every meteorologist and a former Canadian Prime Minister had 100% certainty that a...
Read full storyDemand For Sharpies Soar After Trump Uses One to Move a Hurricane--Ticonderoga To Enter Market Also
Meteorologists, insurance executives, military officials, and first responders around the world are frantically purchasing Sharpies pens by the crate. Apparently, the arms race for Sharpies has been triggered by President Trump, when he used one to...
Read full storySatan Objects to Being Demonized by Catholic Church
"I may not have the greatest reputation," said Satan, "but when my name is mentioned, do you immediately think 'pedophilia'? Of course not! And to think the Catholic Church is trying to demonize me." Hurt by its fateful decision to limit the Trini...
Read full storyMan Felt Intimidated By Train Announcement
A male passenger on a train was somewhat taken aback by a safety announcement he heard which advised passengers who had seen anything suspicious: "See it, say it, sorted!" The announcement, delivered by a woman with an authoritative and asserti...
Read full storyBoris Johnson reveals he is actually Basil Brush
It will come as something of a shock to us all that remember some innocent times on Children's television in the 1970s and 1980s, that Boris Johnson played the part of Basil Brush for years. Natty and dapper of waistcoat, toothy, and with the popu...
Read full storyBoris Johnson is the unpopular friend with a car
It has been revealed, to us, exclusively that Boris Johnson has only got to where he is in politics because he is the only one with a van big enough to take the piano and the drum-kit. The news reaches us that in trying to avert the country's atte...
Read full storyTo Infinity And Boris!
Boris Johnson, current PM and enchanted mop, has said that the leaders of the opposition parties “don’t trust the people”. He admitted he, himself, doesn’t trust the people either, but that’s by the by. Johnson, standing in the middle of a windswep...
Read full storyAlabama Gets Emergency Hurricane Funding
Montgomery, AL - Weeks after suffering the ills of Hurricane Dorian, the Governor of the State of Alabama asked for emergency funding to help it rebuild. In an emotional interview on 60 minutes, GOP Governor Kay Ivey could uttered only one word. "...
Read full storyThe FDA orders vape juice to taste like fecal matter in light of youth vaping crisis
To stem the tide of youth smokers and those using vaping products such as Juul devices, the FDA will be adding numerous new regulations for cigarettes and vaping products. In addition to banning menthol cigarettes to help reduce the number of youth a...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Named In Yak Palimony Suit
BILLINGSGATE POST: Details are irrelevant. But it seems that ever since he was suspended from Manchester United for playing with his under-Inflated balls, things have gone down hill for the beleaguered Maguire. The domestic yak (Bos grunniens) i...
Read full storyClinical Psychologist Tries To Provide Necessary Advice To Depressed Young College Student
Grant County, Wisconsin. After listening to 19-year-old Timothy Wilber carefully articulate the numerous reasons why he feels lonely, depressed, confused, insecure, and 'out-of-place' as a Philosophy Major at the UW-Platteville School of Engineering...
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