Grant County, Wisconsin. After listening to 19-year-old Timothy Wilber carefully articulate the numerous reasons why he feels lonely, depressed, confused, insecure, and 'out-of-place' as a Philosophy Major at the UW-Platteville School of Engineering, Dr. Clive Roberts, 56, took it upon himself to console the uncertain and miserable young man last Tuesday.
Although he desperately tried to hold back tears of laughter while Timothy described the 130 square-foot dorm room he lives in (by himself) as well as the existential struggles he faces on a daily basis while walking past a cemetery on his way to academic courses concerning the 'higher meaning of existence,' Dr. Roberts decided to comfort the teenager with the ultimate understanding that the loneliness currently plaguing him would probably last the rest of his life.
Upon noticing that Timothy was displaying signs of shock, horror, profound sadness, and even deeper depression during the 30-minute talk, the clinical psychologist then attempted to alleviate his pain by telling him that excessive substance abuse would eventually 'kill off' his desires for intimacy, slowly eliminate his need for affection and closeness, and help him build up the impenetrable walls of paranoia that would sustain his survival in the future.
"I tried to tell him that his hidden and 'deeply-rooted' issues (if properly combined with excessive alcohol consumption, tobacco usage, and denial) have the powerful potential to distort his thoughts and lead him on a downward spiral that will involve looking at himself negatively while misinterpreting events and pushing caring people out of his life," Dr. Roberts confessed.
"But, because he was such a whiny bitch about needing things like "true love" and "purpose," I finally just threw some 'New Age Books' and some 'Feel-Good-About-Yourself' pamphlets at him before telling him to get the fuck out of my office," he added.
After holding the end piece of his glasses to his lips while deeply reflecting on how pathetic Timothy is, Dr. Roberts decided to stay in his office so that he could proceed to help other people.