It has been revealed, to us, exclusively that Boris Johnson has only got to where he is in politics because he is the only one with a van big enough to take the piano and the drum-kit.
The news reaches us that in trying to avert the country's attention from impending financial disaster, Boris Johnson put a band together to appear on Britain's Got Talent.
With John Bercow on Maracas, Michael Gove on Concertina, and Chris Grayling on a moving portfolio of keyboards, piano, mellotron, or drums, and Johnson himself on vocals and blether, the group, called Rudderless and Bitter, have reached out to the public with the love-lorn ballad 'What do you do when no-one trusts you anymore?'
It is the type of song Chris Deburgh churns out in his sleep. Please, for the sake of your ears, do not buy it. You will never recover from the Maracas solo.
It is obviously out of tune, out of time, and out of ORDER.