"Naga Viper (The World's Hottest) Chilli Goes Well With Baked Beans" Claims Gillingham Goldfish Owner
The world's hottest chilli, the Naga Viper - with a stratospheric Scoville Scale rating - goes really nicely when added to can of cheap, own-brand supermarket baked beans, according to claims made by a Gillingham man last night. Goldfish owner and...
Read full storyLondon Top Gun-derground!
Today, as a result of a Freedom of Information Act request, it was revealed that the drivers of London's iconic transport network have been recruited from not the usual dull hiring agencies you might expect (you know, the ones where if the applicant...
Read full storySpoof Writer Attributes Overnight Success To Baked Beans
A soaraway Spoof superstar success, whose brother looks a bit like Charles Hawtrey out of the Carry On films has attributed his success to the regular inclusion of baked beans in his diet. The writer, who can't be named for legal reasons (Reddon)...
Read full storyThe Ultimate Invention - a Threat to Civilization?
A new lie detector said to be accurate to within .000001 of a percent has been hailed by many in America as a major breakthrough in crime detection. Retired CIA scientist and inventor Dr. Ralph Seemore who is currently under police protection is said...
Read full storyMummified Goldfish discovered in Egyptian Pyramid
Two archeologists announced today that they have discovered 2,000 mummified goldfish whilst doing research in a pyramid in Egypt. It took them a while to figure out what the miniature mummies actually were. They used special x-ray equipment to st...
Read full storyGoldfish lovers picket outside New Sushi Restaurant in downtown Toronto
Dozens of 'goldfish lovers' picketed outside a new downtown Toronto Sushi Restaurant today carrying placards and yelling, "We want goldfish", "When do we want them?" "NOW!" Apparently the owner of the new Sushi Restaurant is sticking by...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Opts to Spend Time at Charlie Sheen's Recovery Center
Lindsay Lohan appeared before Judge Keith Schwartz in Los Angeles today to find out whether or not she'll be going to jail on charges of stealing a $2500 necklace or if she'll be granted a new trial before another judge. While her attorneys asked...
Read full storyWatched Kettle Boils
Popular Scientist, Dr. Denver Colorado has been at it again and today proven that a watched kettle will actually boil. Denver, 43, from Cleethorpes University is an absolute Science boffin and loves solving things in the name of Science. I've often thought that this particular statement was a bit of old waffle but never done anything to try to prove it. I've always been a bit scared of ho...
Read full storyUnions demand fairness
Trade union leaders today threatened to strike if the government pushes ahead with changes to public sector pensions. A spokesman said, "It's not fair that bankers get huge bonuses, while we have to make to do with our poor salaries and pensions."...
Read full storyFascinating . . . Teeth
I get many emails from people eager to learn more about the FASCINATING world of Teeth. Actually that's a lie. I have never got a single email relating to this matter, sadly. But deep down I know you have been craving some knowledge on this subject. Here are some FASCINATING Teeth facts. . . Teeth of different shapes do different work. Chisel-shaped 'incisors', the front tee...
Read full storyFine Fail attack Fine Gael for threatening to sell 'Family Silver'
Fine Fail leader Saint Michael Martin has attacked the Fine Gael/Labour government's plans to sell off the family silver. This comes as quite a surprise considering that Fine Fail have already sold off the Family Gold, Family Platinum - and even a...
Read full storyPresident McAleese Gives Enda Kenny the Seal of Office
President Mary McAleese yesterday presented Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny with his seal of office. Borrowed from nearby Dublin Zoo, Otto the Sea Lion balanced a ball on the tip of his nose and splashed about in the presidential Jacuzzi as Kenny stru...
Read full storyScott Walker Begs Koch Brothers to Release Him from Pact
While Scott Walker says he doesn't want to compare his relationship with the Koch Brothers as being akin to selling your soul to the devil, seeing as he's a devout Christian and all, his friends say he is feeling the heat being turned up on him and,...
Read full storyTerminal 5 suspect package belonged to Lady Gaga
The examination of a suspect package that temporarily closed a section of Terminal 5 is rumoured to have belonged to pop diva Lady Gaga. A spokesman confirmed the incident saying they were aware of the allegation that the pop biscuit may have been...
Read full storyForbes announces latest list or world's richest people and they announce "we're giving it all away!"
Forbes have announced their latest list of global multi-billionaires and surprise, surprise, Bill Gates is still not "Numero Uno", the Mexican Telecom magnate, Carlos Slim (he wishes he was, fatty), is the new "Numero uno"! There is one major surp...
Read full storyDerek Acorah "Disappointed" with results of The Sun's Psychic Experiment
Derek Acorah, the world's foremost conduit to the realm of the other side, is disappointed with the results of his Sensational Psychic Experiment in The Sun newspaper. After requesting as many Sun readers as possible to attempt to channel their ps...
Read full storyWrath Takes 2011 "Sinny"
In a victory that was hardly a surprise to pundits who have closely followed the race, Wrath took top honors at this year's Sinnys, awarded to the Deadly Sins each March. "People are really pissed off everywhere," said Daniel Patrick, the event's...
Read full storyCheltenham racecourse installs anti-taser shield amid Gold Cup race knobbling fears
Gloucestershire - Fears of a stun gun attack on next Friday's Cheltenham Gold Cup have prompted decisive action by Prestbury Park stewards. A secretive rental agreement with the USA's Belmont Park has seen Cheltenham racecourse authorities instal...
Read full storyA Heartbroken Jessica "The Jinx" Simpson Texts Ex-Boyfriend Tony Romo And Says She'll Stay Away From The Cowboy Games If He Takes Her Back
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Jessica Simpson has confided to a close friend that lately she has really been missing her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo a lot more since he dumped her back in July of 2009. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback dumped little Miss Daisy Duke t...
Read full storyGeorgia's Y'all-Ditarod Delayed Due to Snow
Georgia's annual dog sled event was delayed due to Atlanta's first white Christmas since 1882. "In the south, competitors customize their sleds with wheels, making it dangerous to compete in icy conditions" explains organizer Tim Downs. "This should...
Read full story"Smell It? Hell, I'm Sitting in It," says 2012 GOP Hopeful
A confidential survey done by a GOP strategist was leaked to the press yesterday, a few days after the Iowa GOP Iowa caucus. It showed a deeply split and uncomfortable minority among several of the GOP hopefuls for the presidency in 2012. Everyone interviewed spoke on condition of anonymity. Here a few of the quotes as reported: "I'm sitting there on the stage at the caucus," said one, "a...
Read full storyGaddafi uses funk music to overthrow rebels in Zawiyah
Colonel Gaddafi has shocked the world by using funk music to recapture parts of Libya. In an amazing attempt to daze rebels the Colonel has launched an attack of 'FUNK' on weary protestors. In a breaking interview Gaddafi explained his motives...
Read full storyNaked Driver Sought By Police
Police are appealing for information about a naked man seen driving his car in Dumfries, Scotland, twice in a matter of days. On both occasions the man has been seen to get out of the car and go to the rear of the vehicle before getting back behin...
Read full storyKate Middleton To Choose 'Bizarre Gardening Accident' Exit Say Experts
Kate Middleton, lovely wife-to-be of Prince Harry's older brother William, has spent the last few months choosing flowers and clothes for her impending wedding day. But this week she had perhaps the most difficult decision to make of her life, which...
Read full storyJasmine Revolution Raises its Head Among Tata Group Employees
Freedom. Sweet Taste of freedom. Seems to be returning at long last amongst hundreds of thousands of employees of the Tata Group of India. Libyans may be experiencing an uncertain phase regarding this fleeting taste of freedom as Gaddafi-backed forces lash out against civilians demonstrating against his regime, however the signs are palpably positive in corridors of the ninety-odd Tata Group f...
Read full storyParalympic Rower Faces Illness Set Back In Gold Glory
Jed Simpson, Britain's leading rower heading for the London 2012 Paralympics, has had his bid for gold put in jeopardy. The Sunderland born sportsman has contracted woodworm in his left leg. Simpson had noticed sawdust appearing in his bed over...
Read full storyLily Allen Begs 'Don't Watch Documentary.' TV Bosses Tear Hair Out... Kind Of.
TV schedulers are considering pulling a documentary about singer Lily Allen after she begged her fans not to watch it. The C4 show, Riches To Rags, airs over three episodes beginning next Tuesday. But the 25-year-old star has gone on Twitter to...
Read full storyMan Turns Himself Into A Cartoon
Shocking News and a warning to everyone as to what can happen if you get a little too inquisitive. We've all heard stories where someone has been on a computer and maybe been tempted to have a look at something they shouldn't, only to realise they...
Read full storyPaxman Explodes Heads After Chomsky Interview
Medical experts were blaming the Daily Express again today for a further bout of exploding heads. The paper's Hickey column this morning led with an item about Jeremy Paxman's interviews with US Senator John McCain and self-styled "libertarian soc...
Read full storyArkansas Outlaws Adult Male Ponytails
LITTLE ROCK - The Arkansas State Legislature has just passed a bill banning adult males over the age of 21, from wearing ponytails. The bill was first proposed by Senator Cottonwood Foxfrick, who pointed out that he recently attended a Foxfrick fa...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Vows To Put The Lap Dances, The Bongs, and The Commando Underwear Behind Her
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Miley Cyrus has made a promise to her father, her mother, her business manager, and her fans. She texted them all telling them that she has seen the light and that she realizes that she is a role model and as such she has to act l...
Read full story"Twilight" Stars Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's Horrible Experience Down In Tijuana, Mexico
TIJUANA, Mexico - The stars of the Twilight series Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted by members of Mexico's paparazzi playing video games at The Chips & Queso Video Arcade in downtown Tijuana. The two American celebrities had gone down to Mexico to do a little shopping and to relax. They hired two off-duty members of the Tijuana Police Department to act as their bodyguards.
Read full storyAmerica Is Just A Lie
Western ideology is once again getting caught up in lies and deceit and the world is becoming aware of it all. For years people around the world have been hearing concepts coming from America about the rehabilitation of people who have been convicted of crimes and how it's a good thing for society, but those ideas were put to the test and they failed in the case of a Little Rock high school teach...
Read full storyUS Politicians Buck The Trend
Former Scottish Labour Party leader and current MSP for Paisley North, Wendy Alexander has announced that she will not seek reelection in the MAY 2011 Election. She has expressed a desire to spend more time with her children and as a result could...
Read full storyObama Appoints Gary Locke To Key Position
President Obama has nominated former Hearts and Kilmarnock full back Gary Locke as the new U.S. Ambassador to China. The U.S Senate must ratify the appointment before departing ambassador Jon Huntsman can be replaced and its anticipated that Obama...
Read full storyPost Office Strike In Doubt
The threat of a Post Office strike at the end of March is receding, according to sources within the Royal Mail. Although Communication Workers Union members at over 300 crown post office branches in the U.K. voted by 9 to 1 to strike over closures...
Read full storyThousands Of Dead Sardines Found In Marina
Department of Health officials have set up a five mile exclusion zone around a farm in Somerset after thousands of sardines were found in a 1973 Morris Marina coupe. 55 year old Norbert Mathieson, who has lived all is life in East Coker, a village...
Read full storyPhil Collins Announces Retirement
There has been a distinctly low key reaction in the entertainment world to the news that Phil Collins has announced his retirement from the music business. The former Genesis drummer , who carved out a successful solo career with albums such as '.
Read full storyKate Middleton Shocker: She Confides To A Close Friend That She Is Now Having Second Thoughts About The Royal Wedding
LONDON - In a stunningly unbelievable revelation that could possibly have world wide repercussions Kate Middleton, the fiancee of Prince William has confided to an extremely close friend that she is beginning to have second thoughts about getting mar...
Read full storySusan Boyle Feels That She May Be Losing Her "Socks" Appeal
BLACKBURN, West Lothian, Scotland - Susan Boyle, one of the towns most famous citizens recently met with a reporter for The Tickety Boo News and spoke about her career. She stated that it has been a fairy tale story but with some emotional, physical, mental, and even geographical roller coaster ups and downs. SuBo, as everyone except for Louis Walsh and Britney Spears, calls her, stated that...
Read full storySean Penn's Enjoying A "Titillating Romp" With Scarlett Johansson Down In Cabo San Lucas
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson checked into The Pancho Villa Resort Villa in Cabo San Lucas recently and showed the members of the entertainment media that an old geezer like Penn who is 50 can still attract a stunningly at...
Read full storyWisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Ego Earns World Record
Before Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker made a name for himself by leading the fight to strip public workers in his state of their collective bargaining rights, the record holder for having the biggest ego in the world was none other than Mel Gibson.
Read full storyNew reality show coming to your TV soon: Goldfish Have Talent (GHT)
It appears no-one can get enough of the 'goldfish'. A new reality show is, very quickly, being scripted for airing next month. The premise of the show is that contestants bring 'trained goldfish' to auditions and the panel of judges, Michael Fish...
Read full storyGingrich: My Infidelity was Patriotic
Newt Gingrich today blamed his past marital cheating on getting so caught up in his crusade to better "America and her ideals," as he put it, "that I started surrendering my body to political groupies on the road." The potential GOP presidential...
Read full storyInterview with "Hitman's" Scriptwriter
A sequel to the blockbuster "Hitman" starring Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47 has just finished filming. Our film editor Les Mitty interviewed co-author Tex Grabbit for this month's edition of The Ego. Les found Tex alone by his swimming pool in Los Angeles. A big cigar-smoking man in his fifties wearing a face that had lived a dozen lives, the celebrated scriptwriter lazed in a low whicker cha...
Read full storySusan Boyle jumps on the bandwagon and starts collecting goldfish
Apparently Susan Boyle has heard about the 'goldfish craze' and has jumped on the bandwagon in order to 'stay in the news'. Susan has had a HUGE aquarium delivered to her new home in Blackburn, Scotland and has filled it with goldfish of varying s...
Read full storyGoldfish Sticks Beat Chicken Wings as Hottest New Pub Food
The joke: "How many goldfish does it take to make one goldfish stick?" is becoming one of the most told jokes in bars and pubs. The reason is that goldfish sticks are now the number one hottest new pub food both in the United States and Great Britain...
Read full storyWish You Were Here Boy!
Startling research this week, has shown that man's best friend is very in touch with the type of music we owners listen to, and can boost their IQ levels. Professor Jack Russell from the University of Basingstoke explained the team tested over 20,...
Read full storyJordan In Socks Gets Tangled Up In Deckchair Mishap Following Threats From Rabid Goldfish
Just in - ambulance crews inform us here at Skoob News that some woman, claiming to be Jordan got entangled in a deckchair yesterday afternoon in Clacton, Essex, after being threatened by what appeared to be a rabid goldfish. We sent intrepid repo...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Makes Monumental Self-Discovery..."There's Hair Down There!"
ORLANDO, FL - During a careful self-examination of his pre-pubescent body in his dressing room while preparing to go onstage at his concert here in Florida this past weekend, Justin Bieber got the biggest shock of his brief life thusfar...he's growin...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Horrified As Emma Watson And Taylor Lautner Almost Accidentally Kill Miley Cyrus's Pet Goldfish In Potentially Horrendous Deckchair Mishap
The latest development in a sensational type Daily Male news non-story has Twilight stars and alleged sweethearts Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart looking on in horror as a skylarking Harry Potter star, Emma Watson, and Twilight werewolf Taylor L...
Read full storyCarlos Tevez Lodges Transfer Request Following Brutal Slaughter Of Beloved Pet Goldfish
Manchester City's Argentinian striker, the much traveled Carlos Tevez today once again announced that he is all set to leave the nouveau-riche Manchester club, and the city to which he once extended a welcome to visitors by way of a big billboard.
Read full storyJustin Bieber has a new pet goldfish
Justin has never been allowed to have a pet as his mother always said that SHE would be the one doing all the cleaning up after it etc. so imagine Justin's surprise when he arrived home in Stratford, Ontario last Tuesday, to find his wish had at last...
Read full storyLIVE! Goldfish Commentary
Live from The Goldfish Bowl with Vic Trout and Amelia Pout: Vic: He's moving. Oh yes. He's taking a right turn... Amelia: Yes Vic - he's really taking a chance there. What with his injured dorsal fin and that. Vic: Incredible! He actually skimmed the top of the ceramic pirate ship there! And still maintained his balance! Amelia: Wow Vic! Is this guy on a suicide run or what! Vic: Ho...
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