The Ultimate Invention - a Threat to Civilization?

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 10 March 2011

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Inventor Dr.Ralph Seemore

A new lie detector said to be accurate to within .000001 of a percent has been hailed by many in America as a major breakthrough in crime detection. Retired CIA scientist and inventor Dr. Ralph Seemore who is currently under police protection is said to be in line for either assassination or a congressional medal. Time will tell.

Speaking from his hideout in the mountains of Mourne in Ireland where he now lives, Dr Ralph laughed and sipped on a pint of Guinness as he told reporters:

"It will revolutionize the legal system around the world...and hence democracy as we know it. It's accuracy is virtually infallible. It works on minuscule modulations of speech frequencies determined by cortical activity in the brain.

"Hitherto, lie detectors could be duped by taking medication for instance before testing so as to slow down brain waves and reactions. This one cannot be duped no matter what you do as the mere thought of trying to outsmart it will be recorded as will any abnormal brain signals.

"Ironic,eh?... that man should be at the mercy of his greatest pride and joy... technology. He is now a captive of what he hoped would free him, a teeny weeny gadget that, like his ego-maniacal pride... to use Shakespeare's immortal words... has been "shrunk to this little measure"; and costs no more than a few pints of Guinness to make". Cheers!"

That indeed is the real trouble with this invention: Its SIZE! Measuring no bigger than a cigarette packet it operates without wires or antennae and can function with total accuracy at a distance of thirty feet. It can be concealed on one's person and be programmed to emit sounds or flash lights at the occurrence of a lie. It is no more expensive to run than a digital camera.

The media industry are not the only ones thrown into confusion by its arrival. A massive escalation in the divorce rate is anticipated should the device be unleashed into the market, an unlikely scenario at this stage. Military regimes and dictatorships could use it to consolidate power or to break adversaries.

Many politicians around the world are lobbying ferociously against it in the Senate arguing that it is an infringement of democratic principle to intimidate a person into telling the truth.

Senator Spud Poker of Wisconscin said: "Nobody will be safe with this thing. Politics is all about lying successfully. That is how we got our boys into Iraq and hopefully Iran for crying out loud. Everybody knows that.

"A president that would always have to tell the truth to the people would be no president at all. It would be like forcing a European politician to be loyal to his wife. It threatens civilization as we know it. The sooner we put the brakes on this damned gizmo the better!"

Pope Benedict held an emergency one-day symposium on the issue in which he argued that the invention was "heaven sent" and would be of great use in the confessional.

Cardinal Sinn of Singapore pointed out that "God always knows if a penitent is lying and so the device is unnecessary." To which the Pope replied "what is unnecessary for God may be necessary for His Church."

Rob Peoples co-founder of the notorious defamation legal firm Grillings that numbers its clients among the world's greatest celebrities and public figures said "this device should be governed by the judiciary and be manufactured in very small numbers for their exclusive use only. Thus legal firms such as ours could benefit by constitutional right and enable us to strengthen our stranglehold on free speech and democratic liberties as they currently exist. Any other use of it is criminal, to tell you the truth."

Joanne Rowling and her publishing partners Christopher Little and Neil Blair who are scheduled for trial concerning plagiarism next year in England's High Court had "no comment to make" as they hurried into a taxi after a conference with franchise holders at their offices in London.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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