Interview with "Hitman's" Scriptwriter

Written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 10 March 2011


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Grabbit's Mansion

A sequel to the blockbuster "Hitman" starring Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47 has just finished filming. Our film editor Les Mitty interviewed co-author Tex Grabbit for this month's edition of The Ego.

Les found Tex alone by his swimming pool in Los Angeles. A big cigar-smoking man in his fifties wearing a face that had lived a dozen lives, the celebrated scriptwriter lazed in a low whicker chair as several female starlets cavorted in his pool. Howdies over, Les cut to the chase:

L. Well, Mr. Grabbit, what makes this sequel...?

G: Different from the last? This time the hero is no more Mr. Niceguy especially around babes.

L: He's a misogynist?

G: Whatta fuck's a misogynist?

L: A man who hates women.

G: We all hate women for chrissakes. Even women hate women. My mother, God bless her heart, couldn't stand the bitches. So, he's normal right? You gimme dat..normal?

L: He's a genetically engineered killer.

G: Sure. And who isn't, wise guy? But he's normal like you or me is normal. Same mind. Just more disciplined that's all. His mission is to stop the Chinko shooting the president of the United States.

L: So where did the idea come from?

G: My brother Fredo, phones me up one morning, said he had been reading this terrific book by Wei fuckin' Wong something or other.. would make a great movie. Perfect for Tim. So, me and the boys got to work on it. Fredo has a slice of the industry around here. Could make a hit out of a crappin' horse. Never misses. The thing about ripping off foreign books is that they can't sue.

L: So, how many are involved in writing it?

G: 'Bout six of us. Buddies. We wrote it right here between drinks. Never had to rewrite or nothin'. We've taken our cue from Trentin on this one. Blood and guts from the word go. Our hero kills maybe eighty bad guys in this one as distinct from only fifty somethin' in the last.

L: So, you liked the idea. Mister Grabbit, ... this may seem... irrelevant... but why were we taught at school that if we worked hard at our writing we would one day be able to make a movie?

G: Fucked if I know, kid. Never had a writing lesson in my life and if it wasn't for spellchecker I don't think I could read the shit myself. Your teacher wasn't all wrong. Just left stuff out, that's all. If you work hard at your writing and know how to steal a good idea when it lands on your lap especially from a foreign source and maybe join the Freemasons and make the right kinda connections... then you get to make a movie! What sort of a world do you think you are living in?

L: Aren't you worried that you are sending a message out to the young that it is okay to kill people?

G: Of course, it's okay to kill people. That's what this country is based on. Can't have yellow- livered mammy's boys marching into Iraq for chrissakes. That's a worse message. Besides, that's what they want. They can't get enough of murder on the big screen.

L: Sounds very shallow and nihilistic.

G: Whatta fuck's nihilistic?

L: It means "nothing matters", no God, life after death...human destiny, nothing.

G: Can you getta outta my way. One of those broads has just removed her bikini. Nothing matters? Broads matter Les! And dough! So what's with the nihilism?

L: I don't think you understand....

G: Have a cigar Les. Come on, loosen up. Get in the pool. Listen, I'm not as dumb as I look. There's a lotta thought has gone into this movie. We sat up nights. There is a moral dilemma, best we ever wrote. A crisis Les! Critics will love it.

L: A moral crisis?

G: Whattafuck are you laughin' at! There's a moral crisis when the hero has to make a decision about blowing up an orphanage with seven hundred kids in it or risk the president being assassinated by the Chinko. In the end he makes the right decision and detonates the orphanage.

L: You don't have to blow smoke in my eyes.

G: Takes balls kiddo to make that kinda decision; but that is what has made this country great. And you can go back to jolly old England and tell that to your buddies. Besides, the Brits were stealing stuff from foreigners long before us. Ask the Harry Potter gang if you don't believe me. Learnt it all from them. Have a cigar.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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