George Osborne to cut Fridays after Rebecca Black song
Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that he will be axing Fridays after listening to the song "Friday" by Rebecca Black. The song has evoked the Chancellor's anger after Ken Clarke showed him the video on YouTube. After listening to the song...Read full story
Warhol's $63 Million Portrait of Elizabeth Taylor 'seen weeping crude tears'
New York - The 1962 'Men in Her Life' monochrome portrays slinky, doe-eyed Taylor flanked by third husband Mike Todd and future spouse Eddie Fisher. Today the actress's face in the $63.4m masterpiece appeared to burst into sweet light crude tears...Read full story
Grumpy Happy as Doc Gets Dopey then Sent to Celebrity Rehab
Snow White and the seven dwarfs are back in the news after fifteen years of living in comfort and relative obscurity in their own private Hollywood Hills complex. Despite lucrative profit sharing from their last re-mastered DVD release, the troubles...Read full story
Obituary writers put their feet up as Elizabeth Taylor dies
Obituary writers worldwide have their feet up this evening as their oldest draft obituary is set to hit papers tomorrow after the news that screen icon Elizabeth Taylor has passed away at the age of 79. The double Oscar-winning actress had a lo...Read full story
Death Tragedy of Obesity Prevention Patient
An innovative research program into treatment of Morbid Obesity was dealt a major blow yesterday by the death of the patient involved in the highly contentious experimental treatment. The Deceased, who was severely obese due to a diet extremely hi...Read full story
Day Old Bagel Stops Gunshot, Saves Man's Life
Normally ordering two bagels a day on his morning trek to work, Norman Spelnik, Wall Street Banker, enjoyed a touch of pure luck or perhaps more accurately stated, a benefit of his own poor memory when a forgotten day-old bagel left in his upper ches...Read full story
Screen icon, Elizabeth Taylor (RIP) joins Wacko Jacko in orbit!
Elizabeth Taylor (RIP) has just died and one of her last wishes was not to join ex-hubby, Richard Burton, in heaven (he's too busy reciting "undermilkwood" over and over again), she only wants to be reunited with Michael Jackson; because she felt the...Read full story
Burnley Bands Needed to 'Rock The House'
BURNLEY artists wanting a shot at the big time are being given the chance to Rock The House. A national music competition with a political twist, Rock The House aims to support unsigned acts while patronising young people and raising awareness of...Read full story
Greedy Qatari Sheikha probed under US Foreign Corrupt Practices Act
Doha - The Qatari Emir's favorite wife has been fingered in a WikiLeaks expose demanding $280m from US energy giant Exxon to featherbed a pet hobby. Big Oil sources immediately responded by offering Sheikha Mozzad bint Nasser Al Missned their prof...Read full story
Palin in India: "Greetings from Land of Indian with Feather to Land of Indian with Dot!"
The travelling press corps accompanying Sarah Palin on her trip to India is reporting that it has been much less successful than Palin and her aides had anticipated. In her opening remarks at New Delhi University, Palin started her talk by saying, "Greetings from the land of Indian with feather to land of Indian with dot!" Reports say the students and faculty looked at each other and not a sound c...Read full story
UK Budget Summary
The Chancer of the Exchequer has just sat down after making his budget statement. In his statement, the Chancer said "this is my budget statement", receiving great applause from the hordes of sleeping MP's who had gathered in Westminster to hand i...Read full story
Elizabeth Taylor to be buried at Glendale 'next to Michael Jackson and Jane Fonda'
Los Angeles - In a plot reserved many years ago Oscar winning diva Ms Taylor will be sandwiched at Glendale Cemetery in between Jackson and the 'because I'm worth it' face cream promoting Ms Fonda. Taylor died early this morning at the Seedy-Sinai...Read full story
'Nothing in Budget' For Mr and Mrs Average
As usual Scrooge Geroge Osbourne has not given any cheer to Mr and Mrs Average and their 2.4 kids. The smug 'Bullingdon Club' boy still looks like 'Little Lord Snooty' and is unable to relate to hard-working Britons. He is not able to empathise...Read full story
Equalities Watchdog Role To be Curbed
The equalities watchdog is lose its remit to promote "good relations" between ethnic and social groups. Home Secretary Theresa May has published a report which proposes to scale back role of the Equality and Human Rights Commission. It will also l...Read full story
Is New Chimera Washed Up On Montauk Beach A Hoax?
A foul smelling, bloated animal corpse has been washed up on the shore of Montauk beach. The ugly corpse is a species of animal which has never been discovered before. It has the body of a dog crossed with a pig and a beak like appendage. Crypto-s...Read full story
New Anti-Smoking rules
The UK Government is set to introduce the most stringent anti-smoking rules in Europe. "Now that we have banned smoking inside public places we have seen an increase in the number of people stood around outside public places," said government Heal...Read full story
Big Foot Has Mated With Bristol Palin
There has been shock news that a Big Foot in Alaska has mated with Bristol Palin and she is expecting a baby in the summer. The Big Foot are huge hairy humanoids that bear some resemblance to grizzly bears but they mate like human beings and are a...Read full story
Pete Townshend's Tribute to Dundee United
The Who's Pete Townshend is releasing his memoirs this week. One of the most surprising news to come out of his book is the revelation that he wrote a tribute to Scottish Premier League club Dundee United under legendary manager and chairman Jim McLean, who was chairman and ruled United with an iron hand from 1988 to 2000. The tribute is called "Substitute" Here it is : "You thin...Read full story
Midsomer Murders - England Expects As Creator Quits
So the day has finally arrived when John Barnaby takes over from his cousin Tom in trying to quell the bloodletting in Midsomer Murders. Fans throughout the country will settle down tonight to see what kind of a job the new boy can do after 14 ye...Read full story
Russian Leaders In Libyan Spar Furore
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev have fallen out over plans to build a chain of cheap Libyan Spars in major cities in the country. Medvedev, who many Western commentators regard as Putin's "man", is furious that...Read full story
Joan Rivers and Heidi Montag To Star In "Botox - The Movie"
SAUSALITO, California - Joan Rivers and Heidi Montag were up in Northern California on location shooting a nude scene for the new Allesandro Fiafatanelli film Botox - The Movie. The film is loosely based on the loosely written novel by Sedona Funt...Read full story
Rebecca Black To Tour With The Black Eyed Peas and The Black Crowes On "The Black-To-Black-To-Black Tour"
LOS ANGELES - Rebecca Black, the young teen whose music video "Friday" has been viewed 33 million times has agreed to go on tour with two black groups, The Black Eyed Peas and The Black Crowes. The native of Anaheim Hills, California agreed to be...Read full story
Hearing Aid Breakthrough
Scientists have exploited the conduction qualities of the human bone to create a new type of hearing aid that transmits sound through people's teeth. The SoundBite directs sound through the jawbone into the inner ear and is certain to revolutionis...Read full story
Barriers To Enjoying Football Mount
The long running conspiracy to make it as difficult as possible to enjoy watching football kicked into overdrive with the news that Falkirk FC had increased their prices to £15.50 this weekend. This innovative idea ensured that many of the 4,000 p...Read full story
Blues Legend Pinetop Perkins Dies
Award winning blues pianist Pinetop Perkins has died in Texas at the grand old age of 97. Perkins' death was confirmed yesterday by his agent, Reclaimed Oak Southard , at a press conference : "I regret to confirm that my lifelong friend Pinetop...Read full story
Tiger Woods and His New Lover, Alyse Lahti Johnston, Are Planning a Thanksgiving Day Wedding
WINDEMERE, Florida - It appears that Eldrick Tont Wood's golf game isn't getting any better but his 'off-the-course' 'ball' game seems to be doing okay as evidenced by his latest much-younger, white, blonde girlfriend 22-year-old Alyse Lahti Johnston...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Wants To Open Up Her Own Rehab Clinic
HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan says that she has learned her lesson and hopes to get back on the right track and leave the world of booze, drugs, lesbian nudity, suggestive finger nail messaging, and necklace stealing behind her. The much troubled actr...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Wishes She Had Her Virginity Back
NEW YORK, NY - In a tearful, candid moment with Barbara Walters last evening, Lindsay Lohan revealed to her and to the world that she has come to regret losing her virginity so early in life. "I believe my life would be much different now had I no...Read full story