Number Eleven on City's Most Wanted List Saddened
BIRMINGHAM - Local criminal, James Rayner, is one of the city's dark side. However, he has been saddened to find that he is number 11 on the West Midlands Police's Most Wanted. Rayner, who mostly works the Bullring shopping mall, has stolen £4000,...
Read full storyStacey Solomon Eats Kangaroo Penis And Gets A Face Full Of Gunk!
Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger shocked the entertainment industry today by announcing that he's actually taken quite a shine to former X-Factor contestant and current 'I'm A Celeb' star Stacey Solomon. Speaking from a skip som...
Read full storyMan on the Street: "Britain Still Major World Player" says PM
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, David Cameron has inisisted that his nation will remain a major world player on the world economic stage and on a military level. What do you think? Elizabeth Rayner, 23, York (IT Consultant) - "I know Shakespeare said all the world's a stage, well then Cameron is an actor." Eloise Offen, 30, Wolverhampton (Urban muti-passanger transportational device...
Read full storyNew Meadowlands Goes Green, Will Shut Off Lights During Each Giants Game.
The leadership team at the New Meadowlands, whose catchphrase "New Meadowlands, Same Urine Smell In Parking Garage" is emblazoned on each Giants' ticket, has decided to 'Go Green', reducing its carbon footprint by turning off the lights at some point...
Read full storyShower Cleaner Goes Beserk
An article in Better Homes and Garden in the November Holiday issue tells of the ordeal of Harold Hooper, who, when, while taking a shower, was viciously attacked by his automatic shower cleaner which went berserk and almost drowned him. It was ju...
Read full storyGiants WR Ramses Barden Suffers (Non-Gunshot Related) Plaxico Burress-Type Leg Injury.
6'6" Wide Receiver Ramses Barden, whose whopping 64 receiving yards is the 244,524th most in NFL history, is lost for the year with a leg fracture that senile head coach Ton Coughlin characterized at a Plaxico Burress-type injury. Reporters were q...
Read full story"Money Doesn't Exist" claims banks
NEW YORK CITY & LONDON - Bankers today announced that 'money', usually worked out in 'banknotes' or 'coins', doesn't actually exist. Money, a device used to measure the value of an item, has existed as paper or coinage since the bronze age. Ho...
Read full storyCowboys Interim Head Coach Lifts Ban On Offensive Production, Winning.
Interim Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett revealed today that he has lifted former head coach Wade Phillips' ban on gaining yards on offense, scoring, and winning. "It was a really stupid policy, in retrospect," said Garrett, whose career as...
Read full storyIRA bombing whore-turned red top agony aunt bemoans frigid ex-husband
Shergar, County Louse - (Prenup Mess): "I was starved of proper rogering," Susan Krubbs told her astonished readership last weekend, "by a man who promised to tumesce on demand or yer money back." Decades of cuckolding then saw her fool a geeky e...
Read full storyChandlers staying mum about reported Maddie sightings
Mogadishu - (Praia da Iluzion Mess): The yachting couple said today they had read a story last year that the missing Rothley child had been seen aboard a boat 'in Mogadishu'. But Paul and Rachel Chandler refused to spill the beans ahead of the fo...
Read full storyHulk Hogan Never Participated In A Menage-A-Trois With Heidi Montag and Oksana Grigorieva
MISSOULA, Montana - Hulk Hogan was in Missoula where he had been named the Grand Marshal of The 97th Annual Missoula Buffalo Branding and Denutting Festival and Parade. Hogan, AKA Terry Bollea, who was dressed in a yellow and red tuxedo, stood out...
Read full storyLethal Stuxnet hybrid lip-syncs Farcebook messaging
Cyberspace - (Malware news): It's the end of email as we know it: today's launch of the Stuxnet-enhanced Farcebook comms tool sees 'a new hex't generation messaging system' go viral. The malware mutant mimics the genuine Farcebook messaging upgra...
Read full storyButch Patrick, Alias Eddie Munster, Checks Into A New Jersey Rehab Clinic Saying He's Dated Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag, and Carla Bruni Sarkozy
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - Butch Patrick, who in the 1960s starred as Eddie Munster in the sit-com The Munsters has checked himself into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic #2 in Hackensack. Patrick, who goes by the name Butchy Boy, said that he h...
Read full storyDead US man arrested?
"Is there life after death" was the question asked when police arrested a "dead man" who officially died 12 years ago. US police officers thought about asking the X Files Bureau for help but they declined to investigate, the case was just too Alie...
Read full storyEarth Pushed Slightly Out of Orbit to Gain 40 More Working Days
WASHINGTON D.C., BRUSSELS - The European Space Agency (ESA) and the US NASA have decided that they will extent Earth's orbit by 20 million kilometres, killing several metaphorical birds with one hypothetical stone. A joint venture between the EU a...
Read full storyNo Luck for the Irish
Begorrah Bejabbers the Shamrock Isle is in trouble. Gerry Adams is going to stand for Election in the Republic! News of this disaster led to the exposure of the Irish economy to a downward spiral of confidence. 'Just the Luck of the Irish' moa...
Read full storyNew Technological Product Will Revolutionise... blah blah blah
MOST LIKELY TO BE EITHER LOS ANGELES OR LONDON - Today a tech firm has created a new product that will... look, just read a different article and sub in the names, okay? But I still have to do this report, so... The new device will start shippi...
Read full storySomali pirates' ransom scam 'is Tory nutters fundraiser'
Mogadishu - (Stand & Deliver Mess): Are pesky Somali pirates really working for demented cash-strapped nutters - like Mrs Thatcher's son Mark? The reported $500,000 ransom paid for the Chandlers' release remains shrouded in mystery. However...
Read full storyPelosi Leads Again
Nancy Pelosi announced recently that she is starting a musical group comprised of Congressmen, Representatives and other staff members who work in the House of Representatives. The group is comprised of all whistlers, and she expects to have a mem...
Read full storyMonday Morning Pain in the Ass Quarterbacking
Week 10 of the NFL is almost over, and what did we learn from Sunday's games. 1. Brett Favre can't catch a break. Two interceptions he threw on Sunday were due to receivers losing their footing. But his excuse is going to be his shoulder; however, he still managed to throw the football without any real signs of having a problem with it. 2. Jets like overtime. 3. The Bears looked like D...
Read full storySaudi Arabia Makes A Pledge To End Women's Control Over Men
Geneva- Saudi Arabia has made statements that it will improve human rights for men in Saudi Arabia by ending the marriage slavery of men and other human rights issues during its review by the UN Human Rights Council on June 10, 2009 and should now wo...
Read full storyTea Party Candidate Explains Support For Farm Bill
Vicky Hartzler, the newly-elected representative from Missouri, has a problem. With Tea Party backing, she ran on a campaign of cutting government spending. According to the Environmental Working Group, she and her husband have received more than $770,000 in farm subsidies over the past 15 years. In the year 2012 she will have to vote on the Farm Bill. I caught up with her recently. Ken:...
Read full storyReality TV's New Star
Washington--Sarah Palin is trying to improve her image by staring in a reality television show called "Sarah Palin's Alaska." It is believed that Mrs. Palin wants to be president, and the best way for her to become president is by looking like sh...
Read full storyRecently homeless given 'right to buy' park benches
The government has announced plans to allow people who have been recently made homeless to buy the park bench upon which they choose to reside, in a proposal echoing then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher's right to buy scheme of the 1980's. The mo...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Getting Married to Stick It to Nick
Hollywood--Jessica Simpson is engaged to Eric Johnson. Jessica is denying rumors that she announced the engagement because her ex-husband Nick Lachey announced his engagement to Vanessa Minnillo. "No, I am not trying to one-up Nick when it co...
Read full storySteven Hawking to Upgrade Firmware, Hardware
CAMBRIDGE, ENG. - Steven Hawking, professor and smartest genuis in history, has told our reporter that he will update his system firmware, plus get some new parts. Hawking who was diagnosed with some terrible condition in the 80s has been stuck in...
Read full storyCash for Peace
Washington--Washington offered Israel $3 billion in military aid and will not support any United Nations resolution to recognize Palestine as a sovereign nation. "We decided that the best way to get peace in the Middle East is to offer Israel lo...
Read full storyVuvuzela tops the world's top 10 word list replacing F**K!
After years and years and years of topping the world's top ten of words the word F++K has at last been replaced in 2010 by that "horny" South African favourite, VUVUZELA! F++k has been at the top of the word charts ever since Queen and Led Zeppeli...
Read full story"Blink-182 Could Not be Punk," says students in Survey
BIRMINGHAM - A student sparked a spontaneous debate about whether the band Blink-182 is actually a punk band. The one student was outnumbered by nearly 15 other people who said 'F##k you man, they ain't'. Student A (name has been edited to avoid c...
Read full storyLocal Man Attends School Reunion
School Reunions, are they a good thing or a bad thing??? Local Man, Seaton Carew, went to a school reunion recently and he has agreed to recall what happened: It was a twenty-five year reunion so I sort of guessed that a lot of people would have changed in the quarter century since we were at school. It was held in the local football club clubhouse and was due to start at seven o'clock.
Read full storyForget X-Factor And The Jungle - It's All Going Down On Corrie
A press release from SEN advises British TV viewers to forget all about the X-Factor and the flaky nutritionist who can't stand spiders in the jungle. Because tonight, it's all happening on Coronation Street in Weatherfield - the street Karl Pilki...
Read full storyBranson Sex Change Shock
Richard Branson has decided to change sex after his Virgin motor racing team scored 0 in the Grand Prix season. 'I took this bet' he explained 'that if we came last in the tournament I would take dramatic action. Now the time has come.' Richard...
Read full storyProtestors gather over scrapping of bypass
Britain's busiest road is not the M25, or indeed, any road in London, it is the A628 in Mottram, Greater Manchester. The road that connects Manchester to Yorkshire via the Woodhead and Snake passes funnels tens of thousands of cars a day from the M67...
Read full storyJK Rowling 'paid Chandlers' ransom' furor
Edinburgh - (Pirate Ass Mess): Did self-publicising philanthropisst and children's author JK Rowling pay Somali pirates to release Paul and Rachel Chandler? A look of playful glee on her finely botoxed - er...chiselled! - features may belie the se...
Read full storyUN Endorses Gruesome Cigarette Packaging
NEW YORK - The UN today formally endorsed a plan by the US Congress to incorporate disgusting imagery on cigarette packages. The plan, which is backed by the organization, Mothers Against Damned Near Everything Society Savors (MADNESS) but vehemently...
Read full storyOracle & SAP; Taking the Blood Oath
If you happen to be a mid to large sized corporation still alive in the world economy these days, you probably own one of these two business software leviathans. And all it took, aside from a healthy annual maintenance payment, was a near life long...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Seen Leaving Miley Cyrus House
Just when you think there can be no more surprises to the career of Miley Cyrus, her dad and mom break up, she breaks up with Liam Hemsworth and now, neighbors with sharp cameras loaned to them (Write to us) say that they have seen actress Angelina J...
Read full storyJessica Simpson to Marry the Much Taller Eric Johnson
Middle aged men the world over mourn the weekend news that their favorite "Chicken of the Sea" and "Daisy Duke" girl, Jessica Simpson, will indeed marry an ex NFL football player, Eric Johnson. Attracted lately to football players as opposed Holly...
Read full storyQantas Hires Halliburton to Manage Jet Engine Inspections
Following another report of passenger plane engine trouble, this time on a Boeing 747, Qantas Senior Vice President, Mick Toomey announced that Halliburton will be employed to manage all further quality control inspections and repairs on its fleet of...
Read full storyNorth Korea Develops Theme Park to Curb Rise in Defections
Concerned over the public image of its citizenry defecting to South Korea in mass numbers, the North Korean government will begin construction of a new 40,000 acre theme park aimed at those North Koreans who don't find current lifestyle or leadership...
Read full storyParody Week - The Crazy Bunch
As requested, here is one on the unholy union of Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin--one of reality television's finest feats. The Crazy Bunch (to the Brady Bunch) Here's the story of a momma grizzly Who had 5 kids and a grandson that made six All of them were living large in Alaska Way back up in the stix, And the story of a blonde so dizzy That she had sextuplets plus two other kids All...
Read full storyGovernment's Misery Measure
David Cameron has introduced an exciting plan to revive the nation. A Misery Measure. 'You will feel so much better if you are miserable' announced Conservative Central Office 'we are suffering from cold blasts due to our windows being removed by wor...
Read full storyBoils for Banks to be Slashed
The City is facing unprecedented pressure to come to grips with the Boils culture whereby Bankers are provided with huge Boils that are frightening to their partners and send children screaming over cliffs. Nick Clegg, sporting his student scarf,...
Read full storyMachines Take Over
A Japanese company has introduced vending machines using facial recognition technology to recommend drinks to customers depending on age and gender. Sales have tripled as a result. A new force in society is developing. A Korean restaurant has done...
Read full storyNew mothers feel baby weight loss pressure from celebrities.
More than half of new mothers said they felt under pressure to bounce back to their pre-baby weight 'overnight' after seeing celeb mums looking camera-ready shortly after having a baby, a survey found. Model Heidi Glum, 37, was back on the catwalk...
Read full storyKatie Waissel Survives Again! It's The Collider Effect, Claims Boffin
X Factor wannabe Katie Waissel's continued survival in the show can be explained by science claims a top boffin. Katie survived on the show this week at the expense of Aidan Grimshaw amid claims that the show is rigged. But top US physicist Dr...
Read full storySatirical Writer threatens to Quit following Everton loss
Remembrance Sunday had pinges of regret for both sides at Goodison Park yesterday. This disappointed writer watched as his beloved team crashed to a 2-1 defeat to Arsenal, before having a huge rant over the forums. "It's not fair! My team have...
Read full storyHashirma Part III
Of these stories, two were outstanding: (a) dumping garbage or dust, from roof tops, on the Prophet's head while he was passing through the narrow streets, and (b) attempting to poison him. Although nobody ever saw any public persecution of Jews for faithlessness, the criticism remains why Moslem parents did not check their molesting boys. In other words, it could be interpreted as their tacit con...
Read full storyRemembrance Sunday - History Student's Discovery
A history student at one our top universities has made a vital discovery about the Festival of Remembrance. Daryl Cocktailglass studies at the University of Thames Valley East, and is in the third year of his history degree. He said: "I saw all...
Read full storyWoman Claims Alter Ego Wrote Pornography without Her Permission
K. S. Trojan, famous author of "All Things Funny" is going after her alter ego for penning several pornographic poems without her knowledge or permission and publishing them under the name Krazy K. Asked how Ms. Trojan noticed the poems or that t...
Read full storyOn the set with Brother Al
Following a recent cameo role in the US TV series, Brothers and Sisters, former Vice President Al Gore granted a few moments for questions from attending media types. MSM: Mr. Vice President, can you tell us a little about your part in this TV show? AG: Yes, I was offered a small bit part and being a fan of the show, I naturally accepted. MSM: What exactly was your role, sir? AG...
Read full storyFreshman Orientation for Congress Begins; Past Instructors Give the Skinny
Newly elected members of the U.S. Congress are meeting this week to get some education about their forthcoming jobs. Gail Farrelly, investigative reporter at The Spoof, interviewed some instructors of these orientation sessions from prior years.
Read full storyIs Medicare Developing a Nuclear Bomb?
LOUISVILLE, Kentucky - Senator-elect Rand Paul (R-KY) has presented documents showing that in recent years Medicare has purchased enormous amounts of nuclear and radioactive material from other nations. "I had always suspected that Medicare inte...
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Under Their New Head Coach Jason Garrett Defeat The (6-2) New York Giants 33-20
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones finally had something to smile about after weeks and weeks of wearing what appeared to be a painted on frown. His (1-7) team led by new head coach Jason Garrett defeated the highly fav...
Read full storyMilwaukee's Beer Suds International Airport Lists Three Openings For 'Pat Down' Security Agents And Receives 873,291 Applications
MILWAUKEE - Wendell Milkwater, executive director of Milwaukee's Beer Suds International Airport reported that he put out an Internet notice to hire three individuals to be trained to work as 'pat down' security agents. He said that he was amazed...
Read full storySpoof Writer Wins Tour de Force, Admits Steroid Use
A spoof writer known by pen name Shirley Ugest, after winning the Tour de Force, has admitted to using steroids, and has been forced to give up the prize. The result of this forfeiture has caused Ms. Ugest to become unable to find anything remotely f...
Read full storySpoof Writers Continue To Vanish
Washington, DC-- The FBI and Interpol are still continuing to investigate the strange disappearances of dozens of spoof writers. The 'writers' post stories on a bizarre British website called TheSpoof.com. Then they seem to cease to exist. Special...
Read full storyBoats - By Martin Shuttlecock
Boats... It's a bit hard to write about boats when you were brought up over a hundred miles away from the sea. At least it seemed that far. Even though it was probably less than that. My favourite true boat related story is the time, as kids, we nicked a 40 foot cast iron coal barge and punted the bastard 2 1/2 miles down the Leeds Liverpool canal. Using a clothes prop as a pole. We pu...
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