Shergar, County Louse - (Prenup Mess): "I was starved of proper rogering," Susan Krubbs told her astonished readership last weekend, "by a man who promised to tumesce on demand or yer money back."
Decades of cuckolding then saw her fool a geeky ex-Stasi husband and pass off a mobster godfather's brat as conceived in wedlock.
"Sure, that deception has taken its toll," wily old Sunday Smearer hackette Susan Krubbs explained.
"But hell, who gives a toss now an exclusive contract lets me vent for the next 12 months?"
Colleagues at the paper hold their noses whenever she's in the newsroom, the stench of hush-hush gravytrain $$$s pungent like betrayal.
Last week her little cuckoo-bastard got his first investment banking position in the City, the six-figure salary paycheck care of Poppy in America.
Bernard Madoff is 69.