NEW YORK - The UN today formally endorsed a plan by the US Congress to incorporate disgusting imagery on cigarette packages. The plan, which is backed by the organization, Mothers Against Damned Near Everything Society Savors (MADNESS) but vehemently opposed by Fathers Engaged To Instill Social Harmony (FETISH), has caused a deep rift in the fabric of America.
US President Barack Obama, a closet smoker himself, has reluctantly signed on to the concept in hopes that the sight of bits and pieces of dead bodies will help quell his own raging habit. White House insiders say that there isn't a day that goes by when at least a few smoke alarms aren't heard sounding from janitor's closets or wash rooms.
One source, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that the president has several hiding places where he goes to smoke, but is usually discovered either by secret service personnel or his militantly anti-smoking wife, Michelle. "The man just lost control of congress, the world is going to hell in a handbasket and the economy is tanked to the gills. You got to let the poor guy have a smoke before he goes off the deep end and begins pushing buttons!"
But the odds are against American smokers. The anti-smoking mob has grown in strength over the years and even though they are still in the minority compared to the number of those who light up, momentum appears to be on their side.
The law, if - or actually when - finally passed, would place full color pictures of dead human beings and associated body parts from automobile accidents, battlefields and street gang warfare on the outside covers of cigarette packages. It is hoped that these gruesome photos will deter older adults and illegal aliens from buying tobacco.
But as for the younger generation? It seems unlikely that even such graphic blood and gore will do anything to dissuade kids who thrive on video games that offer far worse than the real thing.
In fact, the new packaging may make cigarette packs more attractive than ever, becoming collectors items in the same way baseball cards were coveted over previous generations.