Written by Inhopeless

Monday, 15 November 2010

MOST LIKELY TO BE EITHER LOS ANGELES OR LONDON - Today a tech firm has created a new product that will... look, just read a different article and sub in the names, okay?

But I still have to do this report, so...

The new device will start shipping later this year in time for Christmas. Most consumer electronics and large-ass superstores like Wal-Mart and Tesco will stock it.

The device has many features... look, you know the drill. Why don't you just check the product's website? Oh, right, you need an unbiased account. Good luck with that. The new features are an improvement over the old model... look, I'm sure the old one works just as good. But it comes with some fancy bells and whistles that you wont need, and never will.

A representative from the tech company had this to say: "This new technology installed on the device will ensure that you get the best experience out of the device -" [and make sure that you have to buy special parts to get it to do shit] "- it will change the face of the market forever."

Look, I'm gonna assume that you, like other sheeps, are gonna buy this crap, and then say you couldn't live without it, even though you did before you bought it. Then the company... yeah, I'll continue.

The device will connect and stuff with compatible devices, which you gotta have too, so there...

There's no point buying the thingymajiggy now, cause in, like, three months, it'll be half the price, but you want to pay the full price to the corporate pigs.

Cause that's what they want. You don't need it. You're better off with the stuff you have.

A phone is for texting and calling, not launching missles.

A 3D TV will hurt your eyes twice as fast as a HDTV, and you'll get used to jumping out of your seat every time an axe virtually attacks you or something.

What? Just read another news website's piece if you want a news piece on it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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