The train company who supply the service to people who live in south east London and Kent have decided to change their name in an effort to reflect the quality of the service they provide.
Southeastern Railways are to be rebranded as Uselesscunts Railways, although a decision is yet to be made as to whether the company will keep Railways in their name as this would suggest they are running some kind of train service.
A spokesman for Uselesscunts said, 'It's about time we changed the name to something where we could manage customer's expectations a little easier. Now people won't be so disappointed when their train doesn't turn up, or if we lay on a shorter train than usual so it's impossible to actually board the train as it's so packed already.'
'We understand that people who live in the South East of London have no other alternative to get to and from work everyday so this means we don't have to try very hard as we have no competition.'
'There's no tube service apart from the Docklands Light Railway which is being rebranded the Docklands Shite Railway for self explanatory reasons.'
'If you want to catch a bus then as long as you don't mind sitting on one for 90 minutes each way, catch the bus for all we fucking care.'
'Cycle? Why not? But the chances of you making it home alive via some of the shittiest sink estates in Europe are zero at best.'
'You're fucked basically and we know it. Pay your extortionate ticket prices and put up with the clueless cunts who we employ to stand on the platforms and just stare at you open mouthed when you dare ask them for help or advice.'
'At least now you can't complain anymore because changing our name to Uselesscunts means you'll know we run a service that does exactly what it says on the tin.'
The Spoof understands that this article will be of no interest to anyone who lives anywhere without a postcode that begins with SE and also knows it will be very likely that no one will read this article. However, for the inquisitive or incredibly bored who do decide to click on this story please think for a moment how lucky you are in being able to get to work and back every day without wanting to kick the fuck out of the (delete as appropriate) dog/cat/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/kids when you do finally get home after a hard day's work.