ORLANDO - Tiger Woods has just announced that after voluntarily checking himself into rehab on three different occasions, at a total cost of $475,000, he is ready to pick up his putter and his balls and start playing around...ah make that and start playing some rounds.
Woods said that he is thrilled that the American people fell for, or rather accepted his apology. He said that he realizes now that the citizens of America now know the truth; that he was seduced by a dozen, beautiful, money-hungry, attention-seeking somewhat skankish white women.
Tiger said that isn't it odd that not one of the women who were after his money were black women. He asked why. And he answered himself, "Because black women has da utmost respect fo me and dey know dat I has da utmost respect fo black women, except when it comes ta jumping into bed and having mad, passionate, crazy sex, and then dey have da decency ta accept da fact dat in dat regard I sho nuff does prefer ta go ta town, so ta speak with da 'white meat.'
Woods was asked if his wife Elin has forgiven him for all of the playpen poundin' he did. He smiled and replied that on a scale of 1 to 10 it would be a somewhat yes with some still unanswered questions that he will soon get around to answering whenever he finds the time to make up some answers that are half-ass believable.
He smiled and said that it is no secret that Elin has made some mighty powerful high-priced demands of him in order for her not to run off with the kids to her home country of Sweden.
When asked to name some of her demands he said "Well, she wanted a brand new $7.3 million yacht and I got it for her. She wanted a $250,000, 2010 Lamborghini Murcielago and I got it for her. She wanted me to open up an account under her name and to deposit $100 million into it and I did it for her.
When asked if she has gotten back her trust in him, he started laughing. He smiled and said, "Well it isn't a matter of my wife not trusting me. It is a matter of my wife not trusting the money-seeking women who want to seduce me in hopes of having a one-quarter black baby and being set for life."
Tiger went on to say that his wife has never not trusted him. He said she has always known that he was just a victim of seduction by highly trained, highly motivated, and highly big bosomed white females who look at Tiger, not as a tall, skinny, half black man, but as a long, wide blank check.
Elin said that when Tiger talked to her about him playing in the Masters in Augusta, Georgia in April, she agreed right away. She noted that her only stipulation was that she go along as his caddy. She stated that with her as his caddy, she would make doubly sure that no more white women try to get into his pants and excite the hell out of 'Little Tiger,' or as she refers to his wayward penis his little old 'Silly Putty.'
Mrs. Woods has certainly read Tiger the Riot Act. She has let him know how the cow ate the cabbage, and she has made it abundantly clear that if he ever allows even one hormone-crazed white woman to even touch his putting pole she will grab the nearest scissors and perform an unscheduled wienerectomy right there on the spot.
Tiger has told her that he has seen the light. He has learned from his Sunday come to meetin' class. And he has vowed that as far as he is concerned her Swedish crotch cookie is the only one he will be nibblin' on, kissin' on, and poundin' on.
Eldrick Tont Woods giggled like a little school girl, he smiled, and he grinned like the Chattanooga cat that swallowed the Charleston canary.
In other somewhat related news. American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi revealed to Ryan Seacrest, in the strictest confidence, that Simon Cowell does not wear any underwear.
