The 2009, #1 Selling Scariest Halloween Trick or Treat Mask - Roman Polanski
WAPAKONETA, Ohio - The Great Grandma Buckeye Halloween Costume, Mask, and Outfit Company of Wapakoneta has just announced that the number one selling scariest Halloween Trick or Treat mask for 2009 is the Roman Polanski mask. Company President Sax...
Read full story"Shoot-your-own" baboon restaurant opening soon
Macho foodie critic A A Gill is to open his own restaurant in the monkey enclosure at London Zoo. Called The Funky Gibbon it will offer diners a new opportunity - to shoot their own dinner. Guests, who will be CRB checked, and must own a firearm...
Read full storyA Day in the Life Of Barack Hussein Obama
7:00 Wake up after dreaming I'm Abraham Lincoln 7:10 Switch off tape of 'How to Speak Like a 1700s preacher' that's been running all night beside my bed 7:15 Have breakfast of organic, freetrade Guyanan coffee, and a slice of old, feeble baloney 7:30 Receive daily phone call from Israel, telling me what to do today, and reminding me that the next set of tanks are now due for delivery, as...
Read full storyMan killed in restaurant for eating pie
The case for the Manchester pie killing was closed yesterday with a guilty verdict against the staff of London based 'Boobies Family Steakhouse' of killing Manchester man and pie lover Anthony Morgan after he was caught eating a pie. Mr Morgan (56...
Read full storyPick your nose and your brain will fall out - old wives tale turns out to be true
A four year old boy is in intensive care today after a five hour operation to restore his brain back into his head. The boy's mother told us, "I kept telling him not to pick his nose because his brain will fall out, but he wouldn't listen!" Dr...
Read full storyPhonetap 'shows Karadzic discussing Muslim daughter'
The Hague - (Kay-Four): The International War Crimes tribunal today heard wiretap evidence of Radovan Karadzic 'discussing his Muslim daughter'. The genocide trial of the fiendish Bosnian Serb ex-leader was stunned by the new testimony which Prose...
Read full storyLondon destroyed by space meteor - actually a hoax
This week, 24 hour world news coverage has been depicting London as a huge flaming crater after a devastating meteor impact. But when humanitarian aid arrived in London today at a cost of £300,000,000,000.97 everything seemed fine with no evidenc...
Read full storyCowell Defends Talent Show Judge Choice
With The X-Factor reaching it's climax, concern mounts over what critics call 'an absolute bloody farce', after Cowell named his choice for a special guest judge to join the team for the final show. Speaking from his home in Bracknell, Cowell, yel...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse's New Boobs Put Fear Of God Into Gay Photographer
Amy Winehouse's boob job may be old news to seasoned hacks, but for gay papparazzi member Johnson Love III a spot of overexposure has led to sleepless nights, tremours, and bouts of delerium. Johnson's ordeal began two nights ago when he went off...
Read full story"Boomerang" Anglicans Return to Episcopal Church - Blame Vatican's 'Bait and Switch'
Citing classic "bait and switch" tactics, Episcopalian defectors the world over have returned to their original churches, leading Catholics to dub them "Boomeranglicans" or boomerang Anglicans. Father Phillip G. Christopher, pastor of the Church o...
Read full storyHarperCollins estimates 1 out of 200 U.S. citizens are idiots
New York City, New York - At HarperCollins, researchers have shown that the proportion of idiots to Americans is approximately 1 out of 200. Therefore, they are getting ready to release 1.5 million hardcover editions of "Going Rogue" by *ahem* Sara...
Read full storyMaddie McCann conceived via IVF donor embryo? Nah...
Rothley - (Sunny Side Up): 'Maddie a triplet, conceived from a donated embryo,' Halo! magazine sources claimed today as Praia da Iluzion wingnuts' latest whopper began doing the rounds. The story speculates she has 'disappeared' to join her identi...
Read full storyFarting reaches danger levels in the EU
The European Commission is proposing new levels of total allowable fart (TAF) for each member state of the Union. The proposal is based on scientific advice from the Carbon Control Group CCG about the level of farting in the EU reaching dangerous lev...
Read full storyWindows 7 is a virus
Microsoft has released its new operating system Windows 7. Here are a few tips on what to look out for. Step 1: Can you upgrade? For starters, you need to check with your GP whether you are fit to cope with a system upgrade stress which proved rather worrying last time you upgraded from XP to Vista. Your GP may advise you to stay put instead of risking a permanent damage to your brain for th...
Read full storyBordello Falls 8: The Alamo pales into insignificance as Bordello Falls into it's "Last Stand"
The Streets Of Bordello Falls Chapter Eight The Alamo pales into insignificance as Bordello Falls into it's "Last Stand" Recap: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 The passing topsy - turvy years had cast a scar across the windswept, dusty mainroad linking east with west through Bordello Falls. Times were quieter, but on this particular b...
Read full storyIAU counter-sued by Patrick Phair
Paris, France - Patrick Phair, son of the now deceased Venetia Burney, the girl who had been the only woman on Earth to name a planet, is counter-suing the International Astronomical Union for damages. In dispute again is Pluto, and whether it sho...
Read full storyU.N. Peacekeeping forces take over KFC
Louisville, Kentucky - This city received quite a surprise when it was occupied to day by peacekeeping forces deployed from the United Nations. The mulitnational force from India, Sweden, Italy and Russia quickly overwhelmed the local police and Nat...
Read full storyDonny Osmond's Railroad Jitterbug On Dancing With The Stars Earns Him Three 8's
HOLLYWOOD - Donny "The Stormin' Mormon" Osmond once again showed that the Man from Utah is a virtual dancing machine. Donny and his dance partner Kym Johnson pretty much covered every square foot of the studio dance floor with their jitterbug rend...
Read full storySomali pirates hijack story is a hoax says canoe man Darwin
HMP Wormwood Scrubs - (Fishy Tales): Jailed canoe accident faker John Darwin has told inmates the highjacking by Somali pirates of Tunbridge Wells couple Paul and Rachel Chandler "is probably a fake". "Hahaha," Darwin chuckled, "maybe that's where...
Read full storyJordan to not visit British soldiers to boost Taleban morale
Plastic-chested model and television celebrity Katie Price, who calls herself Jordan after her obvious heroine from the 1970s, today announced she was going to Afghanistan to boost the morale of the hard-pressed Taleban soldiers there. 'Who's Jord...
Read full storySouthend To Drop The 'U' From Their Name, And Add An 'E'
Officials from HM Revenue and Customs have said that Southend United should drop the 'u' from Southend, and add an extra 'e' after the 'h', as they sought to place the League One side into administration because of an unpaid tax bill. They would b...
Read full storyOpting Out Of Earth....T-Baggers & Birthers In Mass Exodus To Moon
In a stunning announcement today, a spokesman for The T-Bagger and Birther movements stated that they were leaving in mass to emigrate to the moon. "We have had enough" said the spokesman, "and we're not going to take it any longer. We are going...
Read full storyThe Obama Book of Revelation
This is the Book of Revelation of Obama, written by the scribes of Cheney in the year two score and three. And in the land there were many false prophets and charlatans, and many spake ill of one another, and the people were sorely puzzled, and some wished for a saviour. 'Where is our Messiah?', they cried, and rent their clothes and gnashed their teeth, for there was much unhappiness across th...
Read full storyAdolf Hitler to become new president of the European Union
Former German dictator and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler is to become the European Union's first president. Speaking at the annual Nuremberg rally to commemorate the 1923 beerhall putsch in Munich, Hitler said to 125,000 fanatical Nazis: 'Look, um, hi,...
Read full storyParanormal TV show star to show breasts on British television
Broadcasters of popular spoof TV comedy ghost hunter programme, Least Haunted, hit back, today, at public criticism of the show's immensely talented and articulate, yeah, right, main presenter, Yvonne Batting's decision to show her breasts on British...
Read full storyHull City Manager Phil Brown Caught Shopping For Strange Items In Hull Market
Hull City manager Phil Brown was again the focus of intense media attention this week, when several confused shoppers spotted him hunting for strange, mythical items. Brown is under pressure to keep the Tigers in the Premier League, a task looking...
Read full storySpoof Consortium Takes over Icelandic Fast Food Franchises; Forced to Swallow Massive Debt for Liverpool and Man U For Dessert!
Reykjavik, Iceland/ Financial Botulism Capitol of the World - Calling it 'the chance of life time', a consortium of Spoof Writers from around the globe have jumped in to purchase the rights of 3 failed McFrugal hamburger joints, and in the process al...
Read full storyPeople Don't Like X-Factor's Danyl Johnson Because He Looks Like Richard Nixon
LONDON - Simon Cowell is furious that his protege, Danyl Johnson was in the bottom two of the last edition of X-Factor. Cowell said that 27-year-old Berkshire native Danyl along with America's Adam Lambert are the two best singers he has heard in...
Read full storyFA Introduce Revolutionary Rule
Following the many unfair decisions made by referee's the FA has decided to trial a fairer time keeping scheme which will ease the pressure on the referee allowing him to make the trickier decisions without the worry as to how long the game is taking...
Read full storyPersonally I think it's great, but then again, I'm completely made of wood.
"Personally I think it's great, but then again, I'm completely made of wood." - This was the typical response that climate change experts experienced when lobbying a random cross-section of trees during last months investigation into the possibiliti...
Read full storyThe Jay Leno Show May Be Moving To 3 A.M. (Eastern), 2 A.M. (Central)
LOS ANGELES - NBC executives are really starting to worry as the ratings for The Jay Leno Show continue to drop. Last week TV Guideline Magazine critic Wallace Foofulecki noted that the Leno Show had been beaten by The Condiment Channel. And no...
Read full storyChange your name or get sued
History is littered with companies that have been forced to change their names because somebody else got there first. The most recent high profile case was The World Wrestling Federation attempting to wrestle the name WWF off the World Wildlife Fund.
Read full storySean Penn seeks Manson interview
Corcoran, California - Sean Penn is seeking an interview with a personal hero and idol of his, Charles Manson, who he has said he regards as "his father". Sean is said to want to star as Manson in a movie he hopes to make about his life and vision.
Read full storyTory woman's affair with a tree
A Conservative parliamentary candidate faces deselection over an affair she had with a tree more than four years ago. South West Norfolk Conservative Association members are angry Elizabeth Truss did not let them know about the affair. Party lead...
Read full storyRaymond Jessop: "I am a tool of The Lord!"
Texas - (Rotters): Dismissing pre-trial arguments that Warren Jeff's sidekick is 'a divine instrument' Judge Larry Seidlin - er...state District Judge Barbara Walther! - told the accused "Don't screw with the law!" The Yearning For Zion polygamy n...
Read full storyJacko vault armed guard amid Halloween necrophilia orgy fears
Los Angeles - (Trick or Treat): Grave concerns may be behind a mystery Skull And Bones Club sperm donor's decision to post a 24-hour armed guard around Michael Jackson's Glendale mausoleum. The anonymous benefactor, a resident at Predator Chapel R...
Read full story'Lost pilots were using laptops' a Mile High Club cover-up?
Minneapolis - (High In The Sky): "Had their frickin' faces where at 30,000 feet?" a Gay Mile High frequent flyer commented today amid an official Air Transportation Safety probe. The inquiry is checking claims of poor visibility conditions being...
Read full storyColossal Sea Monster Unearthed
A colossal sea monster, thought to be the biggest ever found, has been discovered on the Dorset coast. The Prescottsor was originally thought to have been found in the North Sea in the Hull area. However, archaeologists now believe that it travelled...
Read full storyGlimmer of Hope for Obama's Basketball Dilemma
Given the recent anti-woman, demeaning, and altogether beastly evidence of men-only pickup basketball games at the White House, a local woman has written to President Obama, offering him an opportunity to diversify. Dear Mr. President: As a member of the tall fat white woman lobby, I would like to offer to play on your basketball team. I have to warn you that I can't run, I can't dribbl...
Read full storyObama lies to troops
Naval Air Station Jacksonville, Florida - President Obama addressed a crowd of GIs about the variety of plans for Afghanistan, none which involve withdrawing as a certain African American candidate had promised over a year ago. He brought smiles a...
Read full storySenate to add 'pubic option' to healthcare bill
Washington DC -The Majority Leader of the Senate, Hairy D. Weed of Los Vegas, stated to my secret Senate source that his healthcare bill would include the "pubic option." The provision would allow the federal government to legislate the mandatory...
Read full storyHeather "The Ice Princess" Mills Says She'll Win "Dancing On Ice"
EAST SUSSEX, England - Speaking from her palatial home, Heather Mills, ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney said that she has been practicing eight hours a day in preparation for her participation on the ITV celebrity skating contest Dancing On Ice Th...
Read full storyLocal Man Off Work For A Week With Haemorrhoids
Gomer Pyle, a local fork lift truck driver was astonished when his doctor informed him that he was suffering from piles, or haemorrhoids, and gave him a sick note for a week, because piles are no laughing matter, as the doctor knew only too well, bei...
Read full storyEggs Make Farts Smell Even More Rancid Than Usual
In a new report commissioned by FIFA (Farting Is For All) eggs have been identified as the principal cause of fart potency. The fart potential of eggs - especially boiled eggs - has been found to affect fart pungency even more than beer, Brussels...
Read full storyEconomists, Sociologists Defend Stray Jet Pilots' Use of Laptops While Flying
Sociologists and economists worldwide have come to the defense of pilots whose laptop use in the cockpit caused them to fly 150 miles beyond their destination. Federal safety officials reported Monday that the flight overshot its scheduled landing...
Read full story"Baby Einstein" refund sets bad precedent
The announcement of a refund to all parents who had ever bought an instructional video for their babies that was supposed to make them a genius has some industry leaders worried. Apparently the entertainment giant had offered a video that would al...
Read full storyObama Defeats Women at Basketball
To counter his critics who have accused him of having a "testosterone driven" Presidency, President Barack Obama held a basketball game today against his most trusted female cabinet members. Obama beat the females 118 to 2. The female players inc...
Read full storyShock: Breathing can keep you alive say scientists
Scientists at Hackney University say it may now be possible to live forever. Remarkable research, published this week, will show that by inhaling air into the lungs, it may be possible to maintain life. Team leader Dr Margaret Dung, who led th...
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