The Obama Book of Revelation

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

image for The Obama Book of Revelation
'Heeeeeeeeeeere's Obama!'

This is the Book of Revelation of Obama, written by the scribes of Cheney in the year two score and three.

And in the land there were many false prophets and charlatans, and many spake ill of one another, and the people were sorely puzzled, and some wished for a saviour. 'Where is our Messiah?', they cried, and rent their clothes and gnashed their teeth, for there was much unhappiness across this land.

And behold, two white angels appeared in the sky and flew across the seas and into the towers of Babylon, and thus fulfilled the prophesy of Cheney. That sayeth 'When two white birds shall fly towards the towers, the order to stand down shall be made.'

And the people cried in great fear, for this seemed as an end of days, and there was more wailing and gnashing of teeth, and many began searching for a Messiah, but none could be found to save them.

Now in the island of Five O a man appeared named Obama, and sayeth 'I am, indeed, the Messiah', and the people cried with joy, and believed they had found their saviour, and some brought their sick to him to be healed, but Obama sayeth 'Nay, nay, verily nay. Let my words be of comfort alone, I have no time to actually cure people, but tis the words that count', and some were angry with the Messiah,

saying 'What use are lots of words? We need action', but he rebuked them, and sayeth 'It is easier for a waffling windbag to sound like a badly-trained actor than to help the needy and the sick, this I doth, in verity, say to you, the people of this, for such it is, land', and he got into a chariot and drove away in haste.

And seven distant lands became one, and a huge serpent spread from the West to attack it, and much black liquid made many princes very rich there. And the people cryeth to Obama, saying 'Why do you not make us rich also? You are our saviour', but Obama answered them 'It may not be as easy as you think, but send your sons to an inevitable death in far distant lands, that'll keep your minds off me doing nothing to make you wealthier', and the people were angry with him, and some sayeth again that he was a false prophet.

But the people sent their sons to die anyway, and the princes became even richer, but the sick and needy got no help from Obama. And in the fourth year after his arrival in Five O an old man appeared that hath white hair, and he doth tell the people that Obama was the anti-Crat and a false prophet, and that they had been fooled by the waffling windbag. And the sick were still sick, and the sons were still dying, and the seven princes' beards were longer than ever.

And the old man sayeth: 'There shall be two great kingdoms arising in the East, where there will be much eating of chow mein and drinking of vodka, and they shall inherit the world, not you and your sons. For you have been tricked by the anti-Crat into believing you are a powerful and important people, and your sons have died for nothing, only to make the princes with long beards richer.'

'The two kingdoms will flourish while your one dies. Take heed, for they in turn will be replaced by a land of mountains and snow and clocks that have birds in them, this be thy only warning', and the people were sore afraid, and asked one another 'What doth the old man mean?'

When Obama returneth in his chariot from yet another visit to distant lands, a crowd gathered round him. 'Charalatan!', some cried, 'Liar!' came from others, and one elderly lady shouted 'Waffling insincere drama queen windbag!' to his face, but he spake to them as follows.

'When the time is right, we can say from our hearts that - and let us not forget this - our hearts have spoken, and they have spoken the truth. For this is now and we are here, on this great day, and what will be will be, let us make no mistake about what is, after all, such an important time for all of us, here and now.'

'So let us move on, and let us leave no stone unturned in our efforts to no longer look back to a past that is in the past, but to look forward to a brighter and healthier future, a future that is, that will be, that must be the future, for now the time has passed to look to the present once more in the past.'

The two towers were then forgotten, as was the order to stand down when the white birds struck the towers, and the people were angry with Obama, for he was indeed a false prophet. And their sons kept dying to make the princes richer, and the people cast Obama out, saying 'Begone, oh bag of hot air, to the outer regions where foxes dwell, and to Gaul and to Upper Silesia, for ye are no longer wanted by your own people'.

And Obama was lifted up by angels and taken to the land that is called Teevee, where he spent the rest of his days in the village of Khartoon-leaders, waffling as no windbag hath waffled before, and the people rejoiced to have got rid of their false prophet.

And sayeth some 'How shall we know if another false prophet doth arrive and try and fool us?', and the answer was revealed to them - that if they looked beneath the hair of such a beast, a number and some letters would be seen that showeth he was verily a devil. And that number and letters would be 1600 Pensylvani-Avnu.

Let him who hath ears to hear hear this, for the beast is now amongst ye, and the prophet Daniel hath warned ye - whosoever shall trust the beast shall be led into damnation, and whosoever believeth the windbag shall waste four years of their lives until the windbag doth vanish once more. For the windbag shall preach great lies of peace and healing the sick and aiding the poor, but shall be shown to be a lying windbag eftsoons.

Here endeth the Book of Revelation of Obama, the windbag beast of damnation and hellfire, and long dramatic ... pauses.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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