In a new report commissioned by FIFA (Farting Is For All) eggs have been identified as the principal cause of fart potency.
The fart potential of eggs - especially boiled eggs - has been found to affect fart pungency even more than beer, Brussels sprouts, baked beans, and curry.
Pickled eggs were proven to be no more potent than regular boiled eggs. Quail's eggs and Duck eggs were found to be equally potent, although egg mayonnaise sandwiches fell a little short of the mark.
But not by a great margin.
A successful and particularly pungent fart, as measured on the Sniffter Scale, can cause beer to go flat, milk to turn sour, cats to keel over, wallpaper to peel, and paint to yellow.
FIFA recommend boiled eggs, beer, and boiled cabbage followed by mushy peas, broccoli, a doner kebab with lashings of chilli sauce and a ring-stinging vindaloo for maximum fart potential.
A diet like that opens doors, kills wildlife, adds to the hole in the ozone layer, and is likely to get you arrested for breach of the underwear.
FIFA apologised to delegates at a conference in Berne, Switzerland, recently for being obssessed with shit. And the smell of shit.
Barack Obama and Gordon Brown agreed at the Liverpool summit that shit stinks, but decided that their respective national debts prevented them from declaring a multilateral 'War On Farts And Shitty Smells.'
The 'Elevator Operator's Union' described the lack of proactive intervention as "a pile of shit."
Spokesman for the EOU, Squitty Turdberger told us:
"These clowns don't have to spend all day in an elevator. If they did, maybe they'd be quicker to act on the problem."
The controversy prompted the UN in New York to concede that shit actually does stink. Fart expert, Lemmy Crackoff, of Neasden told us:
"A classic fart is visible. It takes the form of a lingering green mist. It's so toxic it'll kill the unwary."
And then he...eeuuurrrrgh....
More as we recover in the Intensive Care Unit...
