Washington DC -The Majority Leader of the Senate, Hairy D. Weed of Los Vegas, stated to my secret Senate source that his healthcare bill would include the "pubic option."
The provision would allow the federal government to legislate the mandatory use of suppositories. Failure to submit would result in loss of the government insurance plan to be offered to all Americans.
The aspartame suppositories would also serve as birth control and intelligence depressing agents. Those targeted for death would be given ten times the lethal dose of aspartame. The excuse doctors would give for prescribing them would be to relieve constipation. Doctors would have to make sure the suppositories were used in the office to prevent "pubic option escapees".
"The pubic option is the silver bullet," Weed told my source. "And not just for the healthcare plan. It should also take care of the Social Security deficit, if you know what I mean," he concluded.