Windows 7 is a virus

Funny story written by Mark Merton

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

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Microsoft has released its new operating system Windows 7. Here are a few tips on what to look out for.

Step 1: Can you upgrade?

For starters, you need to check with your GP whether you are fit to cope with a system upgrade stress which proved rather worrying last time you upgraded from XP to Vista. Your GP may advise you to stay put instead of risking a permanent damage to your brain for the sake of showing off to your friends with a stupid upgrade.

Step 2: Back-up your files

Before you do any upgrade you need to back up your computer. You should have an external hard disk to do this. Connect it to a USB port and try to answer the questions hurled at you by your old and prospective systems. If you do a clean install, you will need to use another Microsoft tool, called Easy Transfer. It comes in two flavours - Vista and XP. Launch the application; it will ask you whether this is your old computer (please do not temper with someone else's computer). Having created a big mess of back-up files you can now go to the kitchen to weep over a nice cup of tea.

Step 3: Migrating applications

For the clean install you will need the original installation disks of each application, In some cases you will be able to download the software afresh (which gives you a version you wouldn't recognise ), but remember that in most cases you will need your licence number, your date of birth and the name of your postman to prove you are a legitimate user.

Step 4: Have plenty of time at hand

Making back-ups and transferring files take time, so you can't do this in a hurry. All your drivers would be declared unusable by Windows 7 anyway. Finding the right driver to start with would be a matter of luck and would take about three months to achieve.

Our Verdict

Windows 7 is the first computer virus on sale. Insiders say that there would be Windows 8 and 9 soon in the shops. But wait until Windows 10 if you really want to spend the rest of your life in a mental care home.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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